A thread to workshop specific insults for if you're ever in an altercation with a person in the public eye

For example, let’s say that Francisco Lindor of the New York Mets cut in front of you in a queue or something you could say “Hey Lindor, you’re a Major League Asshole!” or something like that.

So basically this thread is about tailoring insults to a specific person who is in the public eye.

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If I went to a fancy dress party as Christopher Walken and the real Christopher Walken turned up, I would like to say to him

“Hey, I’m Walken here”

in an attempt at his own accent.

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Doesn’t sound like much of an altercation really

you did a good one some months ago in the football (i think thread). was something like ‘are you shitting at me’ or something like that. would like to know the exact wording.

If Sadiq Khan nipped in and stole the last parking space off me somewhere I could say “Hey Sadiq, you’re the mayor of pricktown buddy”

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The invite said “Please come in a unique costume”

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Haha! Yeah, this is pretty good stuff.

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If Neil Armstrong took the last three loaves of a particular type of bread I wanted, leaving none of that bread type left on the supermarket shelf, despite me being there to buy that particular type of bread, I’d like to say to him

“That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for hey fuck YOU buddy!”

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I don’t recall I’m afraid but I apologise for my aggression.

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Now we’re cooking with gas!

Actually it’s the party organiser I should have beef with. How can you tell in advance that your costume is unique?

If Sting was blocking my view at an event where having a good view was important I would say “Hey Sting, I wish every step you took was off a cliff!”

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Let’s say that the party organiser is Jerry Seindfeld, I’d like to say to him

“Hey, what’s the deal with confusing party invites?” in that high pitched voice he uses when he’s doing one of his comedy bits. Then I’d pour cordial in his toaster.

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If you saw Meryl Streep being rude to waiting staff at a restaurant you could be like “and the nominee for Rudest Patron of a Restaurant or Diner… Meryl Streep in This Place!”

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If I saw Richard Gervais being rude to one of the staff at a restaurant, I’d like to think I’d say

“Calm down Richard, it’s not the Golden Globes awards night now, no need to be a prick for no reason”

but I feel that sort of wit would most likely come to me at a later date.

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I feel like there are funnier examples of these, but I think it’s more realistic to reflect the red mist that I would feel at the time which would make my attempts at witty insults come out more aggressive than cool.

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Having read about Norman Cook turning up in a tank for surprise DJ sets in the recent Fatboy Slim HGATR has got me thinking if you found yourself trapped by his double-parked oversized military vehicle you could tell him “Tank fly boss walk jam nitty gritty you’ve blocked me in and that was really quite shitty.”

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Good Lord

“NOFX? More like No Decorum!” - For if Fat Mike and El Hefe are goofing off at a black-tie event

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If Billie Jean Armstrong was rude to me over the phone I’d be all “Hey, just you wait till when I come around and beat your ass up!”

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