Amazing Farts

#1

That’s all I’ve got. Amazing farts.

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#2

I did an astonishing one on Saturday whilst painting and cleaning our balcony. The length of time it lingered for despite having taken place in a space which could easily be described as “outdoors” was a real achievement.

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#3

I’m proud of you.

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#4

What had you consumed prior to have caused such a thing to happen?

#5

Bet it was paint.

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#6

I had had three slices of marmite toast and a coffee. The meal the evening before had been a mixed doner…

#7

I hope I’m not overstepping the mark here, but I’ve always imagined you do very polite sounding blow offs

#8

No, no. That’s not overstepping the mark at all. I’d like to ask if you can expand on this at all though or maybe to rephrase it as a question?

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#9

Of course!
Well, you know some sound very aggressive like a broken car exhaust and they unsettle you and make you really jump? I imagine yours would be high pitched, a bit like the noises that tortoises make in the viral videos of them making love to crocs. Think it’s cause you have the general air of a nice man who old ladies smile at.
Is this true?

#10

Thank you very much for the effort you’ve put into this post Kermo.

The noises my blow-offs make are very varied, sometimes they are very quiet, sometimes they are high-pitched (as you described) but other times they could be described as “thunderous”. My body makes odd noises fairly regularly, this is something that I inherited from my Father (who inherited it from his Mother).

I am, however, someone that (historically) old ladies tend to smile at. This dates back to my first job as a 16 year old during which I built significant rapport with old ladies who were customers as well as old ladies who were colleagues, one of which I continue to contact some 17 years later.

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#11

Have I ever told about the time I evacuated a Games Workshop with a fart? Just imagine.

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#12

Your whole post is lovely, but this

Is incredibly sweet and comes as no shock whatsoever :’-) awww

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#13

old ladies don’t like me, I had to do some community thing in GCSE and help out in an old people’s home and an old lady got really worked up at me and said “he isn’t real!” it was really awkward.

#14

fucking hell just remembered when I told one of the old ladies there that we were from the school she said “when are we going back on the bus?” aaaah fuck breaks my heart

#15

As in… she thought you were a ghost?!
I bet old ladies do like you bam. You’ve a lovely face and kind eyes. I’ll like you when I’m an old lady!

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#16

didn’t go back after that week because I couldn’t handle it

#17

another time an old lady (probably late 30s early 40s) said to me at a friend’s 18th that I would be really hot when I was older. Had no idea how to react to that

#18

funny what your brain remembers isn’t it?

#19

(nothing in my post necessarily suggests that the old lady I continue to contact 17 years later is actually happy about that fact…)

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#20

Late 30s to early 40s is not ‘old lady’!I’ll be in my early 40’s in 10 years :cry: