Anecdote Battle #1: Airports

Hello and welcome to a new series of threads that may or may not work.

Simply regale us with your best anecdote about airports. Whoever gets the most likes wins. GO!

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I was at Keflavik Airport when I found out Thatcher had died, and at some airport in France when Bin Laden died.

Should fly more, I kill terrorists

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I once fell in dogshit at Bilbao airport when I was 10 or 11 and got it all over my t shirt. my parents bought the only thing they could find to replace it for the journey, an adults sized t shirt which had a hideous 90s art thing on the front.

I continued to wear that t shirt up until I was around 19 years old, but lost it in a house move :frowning:

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I saw Ed Balls lose his seat live on a screen at the departure lounge at City airport at around 7am the day after the 2015 election. If I ever happen to see Ed Balls in the departure lounge at City Airport, and he goes to the toilet or for a snack, I intend to steal his seat and point out the irony of the situation

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I was in George HW Bush Airport while George HW Bush’s funeral was being shown on the many TVs dotted around the place. The profound indifference of me and my fellow travellers was, I felt, a fitting tribute.

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Also I feel this series is going to bring out some absolutely terrific Epimer poo stories.

It’s always in the last place you look.

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Munich airport, 2017.

I’ve been at a conference for the past three days and have been really careful with what I’ve been eating, because my last two trips to Germany involved stealth lactose. But I’m on the way home and it’s going fine.

I’m travelling with two other patent twats who I know fairly well. They want to have dinner before boarding. It’s a bit tight for me, timing wise, but I go with the flow. I have some noodles. Our gate is called but the other two are still eating. I’m just going to sit there and bide my… Oh. Oh no. Please not now.

I casually wander to the nearest toilet and unleash what is unmistakably lactose-induced diarrhea. FFS GERMANY! THREE TIMES IN A ROW! I get through it as best I can and head back out.

We haven’t even gone through security yet. There is only one machine open and you better believe there’s a queue. I am simply clenching and praying at this point. My plan is to get through security, then speedwalk off to the toilets by the gate before boarding. The plan fails: final call just as we get through security. We have to run to the gate. This is not ideal in my current state.

I get on the plane and immediately ask to use the toilet. No pretences any more: my traveling companions obviously know I’m in trouble here. They say no, not until we’ve taken off. I grit my teeth and think well if I’ve made it this long I can wait another 15 minutes.

Wrong. We’re taxiing now and it’s go time. It’s going to happen. Any minute second now. I press the call button and politely ask the stewardess of she would mind awfully if I very quickly nip to the toilet.

She says no.

I look her very hard in the eye and in front of my colleagues say “I wouldn’t be asking if it wasn’t extremely urgent.”

She’s not budging.

“I think it would be best for everyone if I could use the toilet right now.”

Still no.

“Please. I can’t wait. Please.”

She finally relents. I dash to the loo. I’m pretty sure the splashback was audible in row 9. I go back to my seat without making eye contact with anybody (it’s a middle seat, too).

I use the toilet four more times on that flight.

I just ignored everybody else after we landed, drove home, and sat in the bath with the lights out for a very long time.

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Isn’t this the premise of all threads?

Anyway, once saw Ed Miliband at city airport. He was labour leader at the time. All flights had been grounded due to heavy fog and he was looking pretty fed up, barely concentrating as a team of aides briefed him on the morning papers.

I went up to say hello and said something like “you’re not going to let them get this NHS stuff through are you Ed?”
“Well we’re going to do everything we can… do you work in the NHS?”
“No”
All the colour then drained from his face as he couldn’t think of anything else to say, there was a few seconds awkward silence and one of his aides just stared at him kind of angrily and raised his eyebrows as if to say “fucking say something else Ed jfc” and then I just said “ok see ya!” The aide looked at me apologetically and thanked me for my support.

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That was the last time I flew without valium.

I once checked in at a desk next to David Hasselhoff and his partner who were going skiing (I was on a work thing which sadly did not involve skiing). He was really nice and extremely tall. He was flying Easyjet.

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No interesting ones I’m afraid, but I noticed once in, I think, Luton Airport, that they had these plants by the departure gates. On each one was a little sign which read “Don’t eat the plants”. It would never have crossed my mind to try eating the plants if it wasn’t for the signs, but I suddenly had an overwhelming urge to do so. I wonder how many people have tried eating the plants for that reason.

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Turned up to an airport for a package holiday and the plane didn’t exist. They had to bus us to Manchester (from Glasgow) and we had to run as fast as we could for a plane that ‘might wait if we were fast enough’. Stressful as fuck.

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Just wait until @marckee tells his Newark 9/11 story.

Had a wank in Paris CDG airport toilets when my flight had been delayed for an hour

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I think I saw one or more of that band the Hoosiers at an airport once

Oh shit forgot this one. Was going on a holiday to a cottage in rural Ireland with about 25 friends immediately after finishing final exams at uni.

We all went out the night before and got absolutely wasted, took loads of drugs and stayed up until about 1 hour before we had to leave for the airport.

I stayed at my gf’s, but my packed bags and passport were at mine. Slept thru an alarm, woke up and panic strickenly jumped in a taxi to mine to find that my bag and passport weren’t there. In retrospect it was obvious that my housemates had taken it to the airport for me, but I was still asleep/high as a kite from the night before, and no one was answering their phone.

Eventually made it to the airport to find a scene like something out of 24 hr party people. Massive bunch of fucked up idiots careering around the airport, falling over, spilling vodka all over the floor, etc. Got my bag and passport.

One of my friends who was planning to smuggle some coke across lost his nerve and three of them went to the toilet to snort the lot before going thru security. Someone else had put some pills in a baggie and then in bottle of Asda Country Apple shampoo in their cabin bag. Someone else the same thing in a tub of Vaseline. Fuck knows how we got through, but we did.

Upon arrival at the cottage we found that the bag in the shampoo had split and pills dissolved, so a few of us decided to wash our hair with the shampoo to see if it did anything :joy:

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Long wank.

shoulda just given you the finger and said fuck off i’m reading the papers mate.

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