Animals that aren't really all that



I’m going to be writing to David Attenborough this weekend asking him some hard-hitting questions about animals. You know, if such and such an animal is so great then why can’t they…etc

If I run out of questions (I haven’t thought of any just yet) I’m also happy to just slag various animals off and see what he’s got to say about that.

Let me know if you have any questions or animal insults.

Don’t PM though, post them here.


Please note that I won’t be criticising or insulting David Attenborough himself.

He’s a national treasure ffs.


Most of the big cats are a bit shit really, aren’t they?

You always see them chasing stuff on these programmes, but most the time they seem to come back empty handed. You can run at 60mph, massive teeth and claws, as agile as anything, but they consistently seem to get outmaneuvered by a fucking bison or something. Useless cunts, have a word.


animals that don’t make noises. like what noise does a giraffe make… just nothing?

at a push maybe a bit like a small cow? they’re too fucking quiet. mon giraffes get it together.


The only shit animals are the ones that spread diseases, like mosquitoes.



(sorry @scout)



  • dickheads

0 voters


Some monkeys make horrible noises.


I will definitely take this up with Sir David Frederick Attenborough OM CH CVO CBE FRS FRSB FLS FZS FSA.

What do you reckon all these initials are about?


Don’t forget RRS


You should send him a letter calling him doccy mc doc face



my dog did a fucking massive burp this morning. what’s that all about, attenbro?


I’m not going to list them all but people are always going on about how lovely birdsong is but most birds sound fucking terrible. Like really really bad.

I can’t think of a single bird that sounds good.


No Theo, we don’t want your sexist “banter” thank you.


The crow sounds good if you’re in a graveyard.


OM is a mantra. Not sure about the others.


Yeah, when I’m robbing graves then it can be quite appropriate.


All animals are lovely, even the rats in the bin. Was throwing out rubbish and saw a mum rat and her two kids, and when I opened the lid they got scared and just hid their heads and front paws. Their big butts and tails were still sticking out <3 bless them


Dear David,

Can you get Disney to stop demonising hyenas?

Also do you reckon in your prime you could beat up a baboon?

All the best, Boaty McBoat Face fan