When I was a little kid (like 3 ) I had been watching Tarzan on TV (the old black and white ones with Johnny watisface). I decided I wanted to be Tarzan , so stripped off to my smalls. I also decided I needed to look “oiled up” to get the authentic look. I used washing up liquid, and when I realised my hand were a sticky mess I started wiping them on the curtains. The window cleaner saw me doing it and went and told my mum and I probably got smacked cos this was the 1970s

I have no memory of this , but my mum loves recounting the story and now you all know it too

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Aged about 12 or 13 I was out playing with my mates. We were lucky in that we grew up near lots of abandoned army buildings that hadn’t been touched since the 1960’s, some were accessible and made for great places to muck about as a kid. One such building had an open hatch in the ceiling between the ground and first floor, dying for a piss I thought that this was the perfect place to go. Unfortunately for James he thought it was the perfect time to stand underneath and look up. I pissed all over him. On his new Nike jacket. Everyone else told me I was going to be in big trouble so I ran home crying. To his credit James never mentioned it again. Also at the exact same time Rob took a shit into a carrier bag in the same room. He then slung it out of the window.

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Classic rob

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This isn’t an interesting anecdote, but guess who I just saw in a dusty, old magic shop on Clerkenwell Road at lunchtime?
Clue: It’s pretty much exactly who you would expect

lisa maffia???

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When I was wee, I lived in a house in a village that backed onto some woods. It was a time when it was quite normal for kids to be left to their own devices, so I would quite happily run around in the woods until it got dark.

Around eight or nine, my dad let us take his little axe out into the woods to make camps. We were given guidelines: only knock down trees that were already dead, always make sure the tree wouldn’t land on anyone or anything, only do this deep in the woods, any injuries were entirely our fault.

It was great. I found one area where there were lots of dead elm trees surrounded by new saplings. I diligently worked around the saplings and cleared an area where we made what was, frankly, a castle from old trees. It had a roof and what looks like turrets, but was single level because I was a bit scared about falling through the floor.

About a week after finishing it, Bigger Boys found it. They used it as their drinking den/porn stash/smoking hole. They didn’t let us back in, and worse, they pulled up a lot of the saplings.

After a fortnight, I went down there early one summer morning. I thought about knocking it down, but the holes I’d dug for supports would’ve made it way too easy for them to reconstruct.

So I burned it down. A totally natural reaction for a nine year old.

And the fire spread to cover most of the common.

There was about a day where really thick acrid smoke covered the village. It wasn’t a blazing inferno, but because the woods weren’t maintained there was a lot of leaf litter which caught fire easily and smoked like you wouldn’t believe.

The woods are still there. It’s a lot clearer nowadays, partly because of the fire getting rid of years of accumulated debris and partly because the village now has a yearly clearance of most of the woodland to prevent it happening again. I felt terrible at the time - who wouldn’t? - but apparently it’s made the woodland thicker and allowed the trees to grow quicker and better.

We didn’t play much in the woods after that.

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Jonathan Creek ?

and you went on to be a founding member of The Prodigy. Quite the life you have led Keith.

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This has really cracked me up

I don’t get it

Did you ever tell anyone?

Just the 6198 users of semi-popular music website drowned in sound dot com.

I didn’t mention it to anyone at the time because, fucking hell, I’d set the village on fire and I was nine! Told a few people at university and at parties and things since, but no-one from the village including my parents.

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I once let a dog into my friend’s house that wasn’t his dog

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Think I’ve posted this about fifteen times now but I love it. Visited my friend’s great uncle John who emigrated from Airdrie to New York to work in construction.

One morning in the subway “some Hispanic guy” bumped into him heavily on the platform. When he was walking away, John patted down his pockets. His wallet was missing!

John chased the guy down and caught up with him on the stairs. He grabbed him, shoved him against the wall and in full west of Scotland accent growled “The wallet, please.” The guy hands it over and John put it in his pocket without breaking eye contact, then goes on his way to work.

When he gets in to work he gets told his wife had phoned for him earlier. He calls her back and says “you’ll never guess what happened to me on the way to work this morning! Someone tried to steal my wallet on the subway! What were you phoning about anyway?”

She said “John, you left your wallet on the bedside cabinet.”

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Proper lol

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Balonz?

It was Jerry Sadowitz

pretty close then

I got the last letter right, which is a great effort.

Once panicked and genuinely said “Do i have get down, these are brand new jeans?” to an armed robber.

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