Ask culture vs Guess culture

You like to share food. Why didn’t you say so first time around?



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I would never have guessed that this thread would create vitriol

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Also that’s not what I said

what if you are comfortable doing certain things in certain situations where you wouldn’t be in others, or with certain people

Ordering in a restaurant with sharing plates on the menu must be a complete nightmare.

Never heard of these terms before, but I come from a family of mainly guess people but my OH is definitely ask. I’m a huge convert to ask culture.

My family is full of people second-guessing what everyone else wants, often ending up in weird compromises that please no-one, with unspoken codes being used and everyone trying to please each other while simultaneously avoiding any risk of rejection.

My OH’s family is much more direct, but is fine with polite refusal, and no need for mealy-mouthed excuses. ‘I don’t feel like it’ is fine.

It’s much easier to make compromise when people are explicit about what they want, rather than pretending they don’t want anything because it’s impolite to want things. Which is a bit of a middle-class thing I think.


This is a much better explanation than the waffling in the OP. With apologies to @the_ravens


Isn’t every dutch person an asker?


That’s certainly the trope

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Surely everyone gets to an age where they’ve watched enough TV shows where drama ensues from guessing instead of asking and convert wholly to being an asker???

Madness that I’m the only overt asker to have answered the poll so far. Asking is the only way to tame my neuroticism, it’s why I totally spiral when things are uncertain and there isn’t an answer to something.

The book thing actually makes sense too. I don’t care for vague fiction.


Hadn’t thought about this. Think an example of guess culture is this- the breakfast bar at my mums house has 2 uncomfy stools and one very comfy one. One time recently we were eating together and both of us took the bad stool to leave the good one for the other, until we realised the good stool was just there unoccupied :sweat_smile:

Honestly wish I could be an asker, I hate vagueness and time wasting but my personality is not assertive enough to make that a reality

this wont get the love it deserves

Yes, though I prefer explain. Doing CBT really highlighted it but didn’t explicitly label it ask / guess.

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It’s fine! I didn’t write it.

Ask people are not my people

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Fucking hell, I’d be fuming and cut you out of my life after this.

I mean, at the time I’d say “of course!” but you’d already be dead to me.

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I mean there is no value judgement on being one or the other, but it does seem that moving to being an asker is good. I guess it depends on lots of things but it would be difficult to see converting to being a guesser later in life as a positive step. Although, having typed this out I already can see big positives in becoming more of a guesser than an asker. I suppose being a guesser and becoming more guessy woudl be bad, i don’t know it’s too hot and hoogie didn’t like my thread! I’m all thrown off

which one are you

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