Best mans speeches

:frowning:

:drum:

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pretend you’re a taxi driver and do the speech looking over your shoulder with your hands on an imaginary steering wheel

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Yeah maybe dig out all the old best man speech classics but deliberately get them wrong

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Here’s one I made up that you’re welcome to. You might want to play around with the wording a bit but the punchline is solid ghold.

“The groom’s not a great public speaker, but if the bride’s family are right then he’ll be good at one thing - and that’s the thanks. After all, I heard them all saying he’s the biggest thanker they’ve ever met. At least I think that’s what they said.”

Cue rapturous side splitting from all guests, followed by the best man being carried out of the room, messiah-like.

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I would not bring this up.

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You start with

“Unaccustomed as I am to public speaking…” < uproarious laughter, guffawing and hopefully applause>

Then you waffle on including the following content-

bridesmaids are lovely
bride is lovely
even the cake is in tears {sic. It’s a joke- tiers, geddit?}
Probably should mention every other perspon in the wedding party who ooks like might cry if they don’t get a namecheck for being ‘lovely’

Do NOT-
-mention the stag. It’s not worth it. Even if the truth is that you all had two pints and then played x-box at some remote cottage, nobody will believe you and you’ll end up saying something incident which is interpreted by somebody on the bride’s side as ‘rode a pair of twin prostitutes whilst off his face on spice’.

  • mention anything about the groom’s previous exploits before he met the bride (see above)

Just keep it short.

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Tell his new inlaws and all his colleagues that he’s slept wih hundreds of prostitutes.

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If I could just say a few words…
I’d be a better public speaker

mic drop
start dancing the Macarena with great aunt Susan

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My opening gambit would definitely be “It’s been an emotional day, even the cake is crying!” and then a few lines after that splutter “IN TEARS, the cake is in tears, sorry” during a bit about how lovely the bride is looking or whatever.

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But enough about the groom’s willy!!!

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Might be worth investing in a fake dong so when you stand up it’s on display, you feign ignorance then look down and say something like ‘what? this old thing’ rip off and throw it with real zest at the oldest woman present whilst shouting ‘Weeeyhhh’. After that they’ll be putty in your hands.

Maybe get some putty in your hands too for another potential joke.

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My sister went to a wedding in catholic territory Ireland recently and the best man’s speech was a doozy. He was apparently using it as a test bed for a stand-up routine which included a great many jokes about paedophilia in the catholic church. Unwisely he’d not run any of the jokes past anyone beforehand.

My sister loved it, but the bride was in tears and the best man wasn’t seen again after the speech. (He wasn’t murdered, just sent home)

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this is genius

Emotional day.

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*taps spoon against glass*
*suddenly notices the wedding cake is a single tier*
*starts sweating profusely*

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“it’s such an emotional day, even the cake’s… a load of cupcakes? What? Fuck sake.”

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Do people know your last name is budget? If they do I’ve got a good idea.

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I like the idea of doing a speech with all of the stereotypical best man jokes in but deliberately sabotaged.

I’d like to wish the couple the best for their honeymoon in Wales. At least I assume they’re going to Wales - I heard the groom say he was going to Aberystwyth for ten nights.

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*tiers