Blaming


#1

Went for drink with some old friends one of whom is sort of an ex- best friend who I had to estrange because of her unreasonably high expectations of friendship and demanding selfishness. Anyway at one point in the night we were discussing Weinstein etc and then went on to talk about how she’s fallen out with her mum because her mum won’t do this for her and won’t do that for her etc etc. The Weinstein stuff reminded me of a time when we were living together and the landlord grabbed my boob and tried to kiss me when I was on my own with him, the next time he came I asked her to promise me she wouldn’t leave me on my own with him and then 5 minutes in she went off to the the kitchen while we were in the living room, I totally shit myself and had to awkwardly get up and run after her and I just couldn’t believe she done that when I’d asked her to stay with me. I never said anything to her about it but I always wondered wtf was that about.

She was talking about how her mum let her down and how people just try and drag you down and I said sometimes people unintentionally let you down because something doesn’t seem as important to them as it is to you and you’ve just got to let it go and say well I’ve probably done it too and she said ‘I never do that’ and I said well actually! and told her the story and I said I never said anything to you because I knew it was unintentional.

She looked really shocked and said I can’t remember that at all and I said that’s my point, maybe your mum didn’t think she was doing anything that bad and then she gasped and said…omg but no actually see how you’re blaming me for something he did! You’re making me responsible for that man assaulting you!

I was just like huh? And was totally lost for words. Is that what I was doing?


#2

No, I think you were in the right. You weren’t blaming your ex-friend for the landlord assaulting you, but for going back on her word. Seems like she didn’t understand the gravity of the situation (seems like she just wandered off for a cup of tea). And she’s shifting the blame.

I’ve known people like that: self-involved, setting expectations for others they don’t come close to meeting themselves and always the victim. Cut her loose, casseroles.


#3

Narcissists will do anything to twist the logic away from them actually taking blame/responsibility for their actions, while also being the first to point fingers elsewhere

Sounds to me like you were more than reasonsable

Sorry to hear you had to go through such horrible episodes


#4

I can see why the sort of person you make her out to be thought you were doing that?


#5

That’s the word I was looking for (need more coffee)!


#6

Just can’t fathom how someone being told that would respond in any way other than with a massive, sincere apology.


#7

^This

I’d be heartbroken if I’d let my friend down like that, even if it was unintentionally and I didn’t remember.


#8

She sounds like a total nightmare, and you were probably correct in thinking she was someone…


#9

Yeah I agree that you were totally reasonable and within your right…what’s more, the assault was a separate occasion? So how she’s then drawn the conclusion that’s she’s been blamed for that is beyond me.

People that can’t even accept responsibility for something that a) probably is more absent minded than malicious and b) happened some time ago…are to be avoided, generally.