Bullshitter friends' stories

We’ve all got at least one, right? That friend who chats utter bullshit, making up ridiculous boasts that crumble at the slightest scrutiny, but you let it slide because they’re your mate.

I’ve had far more than one over the years.

Friend 1 - Absit: During school, amongst his many stories, he stated that he was a games tester for Nintendo, trained with the SAS at the weekends and could drive. This was all at age 12/13.

Friend 2 - David: Around the age of 13/14 he stated that he had a professional contract for Newcastle Utd playing in goal, but was released due to injury, even though he was fucking dog shit every time we played football. Said he was a martial arts expert but one day he got beaten up by local 11 year old gobshite Jamie Miller, who wasn’t even hard. David cried. And finally, having not seen him since school, I met David a few year back as a doorman outside some shitty bar in the east end. He said that he owned a security company that was responsible for Rhianna’s personal security at her recent O2 arena show.

Friend 3 - Matthew: Regularly tells me that he’s had 15+ pints on nights out, even though I’ve seen him get pissed after 4 or 5. Once said he met a stripper in the west end who took him back to her place and they had a threesome with her flatmate, and then came into work after 1 hour’s sleep. Finally he once went out clubbing in the sticks somewhere, missed the last train back, couldn’t be bothered to get a taxi so instead he broke into a farm, hotwired a tractor and drove it back into town. He can’t even drive.

You got any bullshitter friends’ stories?

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Wasim who had Tekken 23 on a ps5 in 2003 :pray::pray::pray:

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Classic absit

Classic david

Classic Matthew

Classic Wasim

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One of my mates back home is notorious for this. Over the years he’s claimed variously to have been invalided out the SAS due to an injury (he did apply to join the army, but got rejected for being too unfit), a Michelin starred chef and one of the worlds top cocktail barmen. He’s a nice guy and it’s harmless enough, but I wonder why he bothers given we all know it’s total bullshit. Might get away with it if he’s talking to someone who doesn’t know him.

Mate had a 3sum and claimed he moonwalked out of the room

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Not a friend story but I regularly used to claim I’d been in the circus. Blame Enid Blyton.

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We once had a security guard who left. He never bothered cleaning out his locker so we had to do it to free it up for someone else. When we opened it up, it was full of notes in his handwriting saying things “If you are reading this I have been compromised. Please contact MI5 as a matter of urgent importance” and “If you are reading this I am probably dead”.

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Wouldn’t say friend, but there is a bloke at work who has done everything, or if he hasn’t done it he has a mate that has.

An absolute nuisance trying to have a conversation with someone while he is with in earshot. Leads to him being shit at his job too, because he’s always too busy getting involved in what everyone else is doing.

Not a friend but, someone who my mate tolerates cause he feels sorry for him. Has said many bullshitty things but top 3.

  1. Said he went to Deepdale as an away fan and had a half a pool cue stashed up each sleeve.
  2. Was going to Israel on holiday gave a specific date and time. Checked the airport schedule the flight didn’t exist. Then said he wasn’t flying from Manchester and refused to say where he was flying from.
  3. Once said he was going to Comic-Con in San Diego for 2 weeks. Spent his entire time at home on Playstation Online.

I do feel sorry for him but, he tries to make himself more impressive than he is while we are all sat around in the pub talking about our boring weekends watching Netflix and he is saying I went to the Sahara or something. It gets to the point where I’m just thing you don’t need to impress us if you wanked into a sock all weekend say it, we won’t fucking judge you.

Oh I forgot one. Said he was going out with a barwoman at a pub. We knew a person at the pub turned out this woman was married, started to say he was having an affair with her.

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My favourite specific example of the genre though is the [different] bloke at work who went AWOL for a couple of days. His excuse when he finally got in touch was that he’d had a fall whilst walking in Snowdonia and had to be airlifted off the hills by mountain rescue and spent a couple of days in hospital.

Obviously had fuck all evidence of this when time came for an absence meeting (due to prolific absences for other reasons).

Just one guy who used to justo spout such nonsense. We’d be in the pub and he’d go to the loo, come back in be all ‘just shagged a bird’. Just not feasible in a pub the size of a living where it’s just us and a couple of old men at the bar.

A place I worked at used to have a woman who said she was good friends with Gloria Estefan, slightly before my time but apparently she’d come On Monday and people would be all nice weekend, and she’s be like ‘oh yes, Gloria Estefan came round and we had a nice meal’. Also had a terminal illness that she got better from :grimacing:

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One of my mates at uni claimed-

  1. to have been set upon by a gang who dumped him over a level crossing into the path of a train. However he did a flying karate kick back over the barrier and they just ran off in fear.
  2. one night him and a mate decided to borrow his mate’s Dad’s top-of-the-range BMW. They went out joy-riding and ended up getting chased by the police. In the nick of time they arrived back at his mates house, parked the car and ran upstairs. The police knocked on the door only to be informed by the Dad that the car had been parked on his driveway all night.
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My boy has a friend who always has to go one better. My boy bought a Koenigsegg Regera on Forza Horizon 4, and it has some peculiar drive train which means it only has one gear. He told his friend about this, who retorted that he’d got a faster car on it with zero gears.

So, a roller skate then.

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Should add that I once worked with somebody who claimed to be an ex-commando, a trained ninja and a breakdancer. All turned out to be completely true!

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Someone I lived with at uni reckoned she had:

  • Watched Ben Affleck have a wank at a party
  • Seen over a thousand plays
  • Flown from Mongolia to Turkey by helicopter

After a while it just becomes really, really grating because you can’t challenge them without calling them an out-and-out liar, but it feels like they think you’re properly thick to be believing their nonsense.

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Number one liar at my school claimed his dad owned 100 Volvos, which is a brilliantly absurd choice of car for this sort of bullshit, and that he once outran the police after doing handbrake turns on the M4 in his dad’s turbo charged tractor.

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Don’t really understand what they get out of it really

Attention.

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Thinking about it it’s a little bit sad, really. Most people don’t have interesting lives (I’m including myself in this) and it’s probably a way, conscious or not, of making their life seem a bit less dull. Might have to try it myself.

Assuming absolutely all these people sound like Jay from The Inbetweeners

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