To counter yesterday’s thread. A confessional.
- I really really wanted one of the WWF little plastic baby seal figurines that both Emma’s had in Y6, they also had the seal WWF jumper and would coordinate wearing them to school together and I really felt they were rubbing it in.
I stole one of the figurines. Never get caught. Haunts me to today. Can’t even steal stuff properly as a kid as you parents always catch you with the swag, so I guess I probably just threw it away?!
- I stole a bath pearl from Boots when I was about 3 and held tightly onto it in my coat pocket until it melted and seeped through and made a big stain, and yet my mum didn’t notice. Could not believe I’d outfoxed those massive Dalek-looking cameras they used to have in there
- My One True Love throughout primary school started seeing one of the WWF Emma’s. I wrote him a love letter saying something like his girlfriend was a bad person and he should be with me. Signed it anon, obviously. He showed it to Emma, what a grass, and she folded it up so you could just see a word of it and approached everyone in the playground with it and said “is that your handwriting”. Nice try, Emma.
I feel like I should apologise to Emma, and Boots. But I’ll live with the guilt instead.
Should’ve hit her with the folding chair.
Dammit I was going to go with “plenty of tables you could have put her through in a primary school”
Much more subtle Narcing here. That respect guy should take notes.
Look, they even wore them on the same day on our end of primary photo.
Couldn’t find the £1 note mum gave me to see Temple of Doom
The ticket person took pity and let me in for free, found the pound sort of in the top bit of the pocket after I got home later. Just kept it
Pushed a go-kart at the greenhouse to see what would happen (it smashed through two panes of glass - what a surprise!)
Blamed it on ‘the wind’ and somehow got away with it.
I went to harrods with my dad when I was about 9 and bought a diary full of photos of kittens, and there was a chandelier with glass balls hanging off them and I plucked one off to inspect it further and I wanted to hold it for a while but forgot to put it back. I was so guilty though that I ditched it in hyde park later. Was genuinely terrified that the police would come lol. My first brush with the police was aged 4 I kept calling 999 then giggling into the handset and hanging up. They came round and I remember being really worried when I realised they were there for me and then my mum sat me down later to explain gently that I mustn’t do that, but anyway I was genuinely afraid they’d find me because of the ball
Cheated in my spelling test in Year 2 about months and days of the week (I thought February was spelt Febuary and Wednesday was spelt Wendsday because that’s how you pronounce them here) by looking at the laminate that had been taken off the wall and turned around so we couldn’t cheat, then changing my answers on the way to handing them in. Lied about it when my peer snitched on me, got away with it.
I didn’t usually get away with things when I was naughty to be honest
Stealing condoms from my older sister (she had loads because she went to a school sensible enough to make them easily accessible to students). The perfect crime.
I once stole a tennis ball from Forbouys in Ringmer. I also stole tennis balls from the PE shed at Ringmer CP school. Most of these tennis balls ended up on the roof.
Stole a Lee Sharpe Panini sticker off a mate
Stole my sisters cosmopolitan magazine which had a SEX STORY SPECIAL in. Such mags were rare in our house as my parents think magazines are for losers who can’t read a book, let alone one mentioning sex. Waited a while and then stole it and read all about people banging. Remember there being like a 101 Sex Positions bit and being very stressed out about one that had to take place in a cave because the man was standing with the woman’s legs wrapped around his waist and the woman needed to hold onto a stalagtite to ensure she was entirely suspended in air, essentially performing pull ups in time with his thrusts. Already knew there was no way I was going to have the core or upper body strength for that sort of thing.
Think it stayed down the back of my chest of drawers for literal years.
Used to rip my favourite bra pages out of the Littlewoods catalogue in a way that, at the time, felt like it would be subtle and impossible to notice but probably wasn’t
I had a friend who was a bit of a loose cannon and used to get me into shoplifting from the local superstore, he was essentially the archetypal “bigger boy” who led me astray…
This one security guard had copped onto us for sure, but on two separate occasions he completely botched the delivery of catching us. One time he accused me of stealing a milkshake that 'd actually paid for because he thought I ran out the shop funny and another time thought I was shoving things into my trousers when actually I was just accessing the money pouch of the incredibly ill advised bumbag i was wearing. Each time I’d actually nicked something but each time he got the wrong thing.
After the second “false arrest” wethen used to go into the shop and give him dirty looks and one day out of guilt he marched us into the newsagent bit of the shop and filled a bag with milkshakes and chocolate bars, handed it to us as an apology and we agreed “no hard feelings”.
The absolute feeling of euphoria I felt in that moment is matched only by how much of a piece of shit I feel reflecting back on it as an adult…
Bought 4 cans of Webster’s Yorkshire Bitter before my geography exam in full school uniform, promised to take my ID in the following day. They never saw me again.
One week ‘Smash Hits’ had a decent looking Nirvana poster attached to it. Teenage me certainly wasn’t going to buy a (spit) pop-music magazine so I tore the poster off, put it in a copy of ‘Kerrang’ and bought that. A victory for ROCK!!!
My first ever job was in our village’s Forbuoys. Inventory of things I stole during my 18 months on the job:
- 1 x 20 pack of Dorchester cigarettes
- 1 x copy of adult magazine ‘Razzle’
- About one million penny sweets that I would graze on all day
Felt bad about the cigs and the jazz mag. But then there was a change of management and the new store manager discovered that there was four grand of stock missing from the shop (which is pretty impressive for a village cornershop in the 90s) so I’m not sure I was the end level boss of pilfering tbf…