To the shop assistant when collecting a small lottery win:
“Think I’ve won something on this”
Shop assistant runs ticket through the machine
“Yes, you’ve won £3.80”
“That’s me off to the Caribbean tonight then”
5 Likes
Scottish Dad joke
Why did the cow go on holiday?
Cos it had a wee calf.
11 Likes
When we were younger and discussing who would do the washing up after dinner
“Rich, you’ve got a hole in your t-shirt, just under the armpit”
“Have I?” lifts arm up
“Good job volunteering”
Admittedly this worked once. Then it stayed as part of repertoire anyway
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6 Likes
‘Sack the juggler’
Said by my dad every time someone dropped something. Not once funny.
3 Likes
Found pretty much every one posted so far funny 
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CONGRATULATIONS!
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Similarly if someone drops a glass or some crockery: “Sounds like they’re having a smashing time”.
4 Likes
“I’m gonna go get changed.”
“What into? A rabbit?”
The old man has been consistent with that for 30 years despite never getting a laugh. Gotta admire the dedication tbf.
6 Likes
I’ve started saying this one myself. DAD JOKES NEVER DIE.
1 Like
Think that’s the sign of a dad joke. The fact it continues to be told without any hint of response
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Or alternatively (when the assistant confirms the ticket isn’t a winner):
“Well, back to work on Monday then.”
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Apart from you! Amarite? 
(N.B. I am a dad)
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Also out for a meal, when the food is put on the table:
‘Well I don’t know what the rest of you are having but I’m all set!’
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Someone comes to clear empty glasses off the table:
‘Sorry about that, just really thirsty today!’
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I use this one. It’s like a right passed from generation to generation.
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This also applies to school playground jokes.
Knock, knock / Who’s there? / Doctor / Doctor Who? / You just said it!
etc
My son was astounded when he tried these jokes on me and found out that they had not changed in 40-odd years
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Despite not being a dad, I regularly use all the ones I’ve listed here. It’ll be his greatest legacy.
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I’m having this one!
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I use this one a lot.
Similarly: “I know you don’t like ice cream, so I’ll eat yours for you”
3 Likes