Dad Jokes

Are you alright dad?
No son - I’m half left

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(Police car / Ambulance / Fire engine races by outside with siren going)

Dad: He won’t sell much ice cream going at that speed.

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“Dad, I’m hungry!”
“I’m Dad, pleased to meet you hungry!”

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[Exaggerated] Phew! You have the breath of a thousand camels

Hi In Pain, I’m Dad

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In the pub’s gents on Friday; chap walks in, looks around and says “bit of a sausage fest in here!”

I did a little lol.

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I’m subconsciously picturing a lot of these being said by Paul Ritter btw

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“You hear about the fight in the chip shop the other day? The fish got battered”

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Do all.these

Plus: I’m thirsty, no it’s not it’s Saturday etc
I’m tired…hi tired I’m mum!
I’m hungry…angry? Why are you angry?

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My two favourites:

‘I’m on a new seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it!’

Me: Are you losing your hearing dad?
Dad: What?

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Actually excellent.

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This isn’t a dad joke, this is a pointed observation made mainly by mums, in my experience.

Classic dad joke in our family:

“I feel like a cup of tea.”
“You don’t look like one!”

Mum always used to say “Enjoy your trip?” whenever I stumbled while we were walking anywhere.

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‘Are you deaf?’
looks at watch ‘It’s 20 to 6…’

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Actually brilliant

“Where’s your mum gone?”

“To put the kettle on”

“Won’t she look a but silly?/It’ll never fit”

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If anyone ever makes a funny noise during conversation, e.g. “Then the boiler started going eeeeee”, then my dad will insantly respond with “how’s it go?” (made funnier in thick Welsh accent) to try and make the person make the noise again, suddenly making it more ridiculous stripped out of context.

Often these will be the only three words you’ll hear from him in an entire conversation that may last over an hour. It’s reached the point now, where any sound of any description in any context (e.g. a car horn) can be responded to with “how’s it go?” and he’ll give a little chuckle.

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‘Where’s mum?’
‘She ran off with the milkman’

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That’s a staple of my dads. Also if we’re driving somewhere

“Where are we going?”

“There and back to see how far it is”

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Also when I was teenager and wouldn’t tell my parents where I was going when I was going out. So my dad started doing the same thing.

Only I now tell them but my dad still doesn’t tell me where he’s going if he’s going out. And I’m just like sigh ‘fine, I’ll just go ask mum’

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I think he’s only used this once but still:
(At the train station) ‘One return ticket please’
‘Where to?’
‘Well back here of course!’

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