It’s not even him it’s some fella called Nomadic Jurassic
I would sue
Course he is
I’ve noticed he (nomadic jurassic) has started replying on some of the comments on Instagram saying “oh man”. I do wonder if Bedingfield has done it deliberately the sneaky get.
TODDY SHITPANTS is rambling through Norfolk. He desperately wants to get to Roydon because, to cut a long story short, he only has two weeks to live and his dying wish is to have a wank in their famous gravel pit. Thanks to the tireless intervention of the Make A Wish Foundation, he was able to get an written exemption (signed by King Charles himself!) meaning that the laws that would normally prevent the likes of you and me, dear reader, from masturbating wantonly into any of our nation’s open-pit mines can no longer be invoked in trying to put him behind bars. So all there is to do now is to get to Roydon!
When our story begins, TODDY is in the headquarters of Escape Hunt - one of Norwich’s top providers of exciting escape rooms and virtual reality experiences - great for parties, corporate team building or a night out with family and friends. They’re just closing up and CHRISTINA GRISHAM, who works there, spots TODDY in one of their most popular escape rooms.
CHRISTINA GRISHAM: I’m sorry we’re closing now
TODDY: Does that mean I can’t escape until you open up in the morning
CHRISTINA GRISHAM: No it means you have to go now
TODDY: So much for high stakes
And so TODDY leaves Escape Hunt encumbered with a profound lack of closure. He thought it would be a nice little break from the arduous personal journey he is taking in order such that he can have a monumental spaff in a quarry, but actually it’s just made him feel sadder and more disappointed that he doesn’t quite know where to go next on his walk.
Suddenly, who does he see but a top singer from the 2000s. That’s right, reader! It’s Natasha Bedingfield!
TODDY: Holy smokes, Natasha Bedingfield! I remember your hit song ‘Unwritten’!
NATASHA BEDINGFIELD: What a coincidence! I remember that song too!
TODDY: Whoa, this is like something out of a film. Anyway do you know how I can get to Roydon?
NATASHA BEDINGFIELD: Oh shit, no I’m afraid I don’t.
NATASHA BEDINGFIELD: But my brother, Daniel! He absolutely knows where Roydon is. The lad is writing a PhD thesis all about Roydon
TODDY: Wow, where is he studying his PhD
NATASHA BEDINGFIELD: His PhD is not supported or recognised by any academic institution whatsoever he’s literally lost his mind
TODDY: OK can we go and meet him
NATASHA BEDINGFIELD: Yes let’s
TODDY gets into NATASHA BEDINGFIELD’s Honda and they drive all the way to DANIEL BEDINGFIELD’s house which is in Norwich apparently. They knock on his door and who should answer but… DANIEL BEDINGFIELD himself!
DANIEL BEDINGFIELD: Natasha! What brings you here!
NATASHA BEDINGFIELD: I ran into this bloke here, try’na get to Roydon from here where we are in Norwich
TODDY: It would really help me out if you could tell me in what direction I have to go in if I was to want to get to Roydon from this location, which as we have said is Norwich
DANIEL BEDINGFIELD: Hmm. Come in
They go to DANIEL BEDINGFIELD’s purpose built map room
DANIEL BEDINGFIELD: OK. Let’s see here… OK. I’m just running the data through my sophisticated navigation system…
They wait while this happens
DANIEL BEDINGFIELD: OK the results are in - you’ve got to get through Diss
This is the kind of relevant content I’m in for
Why have they sat on this story since June?