FFS you butthead.
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SORRY YOU ARE NOT A WINNER
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OK @Squandered, here is question 3:
Hey, ready to get truly intimate? If all goes well
on this date, I’ll invite you back to my place to watch some Frasier. Rawr! Which Frasier character is your favourite and why?
SUITOR 1: NOW WE’RE TALKING. Niles is my favourite character, but Roz is my biggest TV crush, and Maris is my favourite unseen sitcom character. I also love the following characters: Eddie, Marty, Daphne, Chair.
SUITOR 2: I would have to say Frasier Logan. He was an excellent non-league winger in the Noughties who scored an iconic goal against Ashford (Middlesex) to seal a winning injury-time comeback, having been 2-0 down on 89 minutes - and I think his ability to score is something I can emulate with you
SUITOR 3:
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A first point for SUITOR 1
Please can everyone try and retain some composure during the next question, because it’s a good one…
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But wait a minute - where exactly are you taking me on this date? Please describe the venue, drinks, snacks, vibes, and activities.
SUITOR 1: We’ll be going to the cinema. We’re watching Twin Peaks: The Return in full, all 18 episodes back-to-back. For drinks and snacks we’ve got Banana Yazoo, chocolate buttons and Monster Munch. The vibes will be excellent . No activities. If you’d like, I’ll feel you up during a Dougie scene.
SUITOR 2: I thought we were going ghost hunting?! Well, I’ve got my nice undies on, so we’ll want to go somewhere classy and romantic with a hint of aphrodisiac. That’s right, we’re going to Spoons! Whichever one is nearest, I don’t mind.
When it comes to beveraginos, we’re going to share a pitcher of vodka and Monster, one straw each and gazing into each others’ eyes like Lady and the Tramp if their spaghetti had been infused with sugar and taurine. I’ll order a big dirty Spoons curry just so you’ll think about me naked, and you can get some halloumi fries that I’ll pilfer. The vibes are ‘seedy and erotic’. Our activities include admiring the unique Spoons carpet, ranking the pieces in Tetris from most to least aesthetic, and a spirited discussion about the merits of putting the balls in. In sport, you hound! Get your mind out of the gutter. I’m a classy lady.
Hopefully we’ll finish it off with a bit of slap and tickle back at my place, or maybe in the toilets if you just can’t wait to enter me
SUITOR 3:
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I think
might be my favourite sentence of all time.
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the disrespect!
(also there’s a lot of Dougie scenes, so …)
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SPONSORED POST:
LET @anon45164313 LEAD YOU AROUND THE BACK ALLEYS OF MANCHESTER, AND PAY HER FOR IT!
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SUITOR 2 gets off the mark!
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One question remains, and suitor 3 leads by one point…
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Here we go…
Please create a piece of art (eg poem, drawing, song, sculpture, waxwork) that expresses how you feel about being chosen for this incredible date.
SUITOR 1: No, you’re not the boss of me. If you want a piece of art then we can make love to conclude the date.
SUITOR 2: This piece is entitled ‘The Chosen One’.
There are few joys left under capitalism,
But it’s a thrill for a date to end in jism!
I’m your chosen one, your prodigal son,
…maybe not your son, as I made you cum.
I’m not desperate - I’d never beg -
But I love nothing more than a wave of smeg.
You selected me, wheat from the chaff,
And to thank you kindly I conjured spaff.
I love currency, but the best kind of pound
Leaves salty seed within my mound.
I’ll end it here, as a Blind Date whiz -
Let’s go back inside and I’ll make you… give me a kiss
SUITOR 3:
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Nice avatar
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Had to get in before someone else did.
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I reckon someone’s getting their Lego-ver tonight.
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Can you confirm who the final point is going to please…
I assume suitor 2 will be banned upon conclusion of this?
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