My friend has put together a playlist of primarily queer artists and allies of colour and it’s wonderful <3
just wanted to open up somewhere about something, like my mental process atm in trying to pick up the pieces of myself, and it’s a gender thing.
one of the main things I’ve always struggled with is my voice. first time I ever felt dysphoria was when I became aware my voice was starting to break.
I didn’t want it to. I struggled against it. I even regressed a bit. being at an all-boys secondary didn’t help, but I think I’d have struggled either way.
I don’t really know exactly what the roots of my dysphoria are, but I know it’s inextricable from my mum. which kills me with guilt on top of everything, but anyway.
there were never any adult males in my life, really. my father does not exist in any memory and I don’t know when he left. my uncles and cousins were not in my life very often, and there’s only one of them who is someone I’ve ever felt a connection to.
(I wish he had been more present, because he is to this day a truly wonderful person, even approaching 60. zero percent gammon.)
I was very, very close to my mum as the youngest and the only son. I think though, although I don’t remember, that when I misbehaved, my mum would be very angry in a way that she would associate strongly with negative feelings about men and my absent father.
also, my mum has had a very hard life and has long-running and unresolved/unexamined mental health issues, and was volatile. she never physically hurt us, but she could still be scary.
I’m only really considering this properly for the first time right now. the further back I go, the less I have to really be sure about.
we moved a lot. three houses and five schools before I even turned nine. I got bullied at the first two, spent a lot of time out, obviously with my mum.
so my mum and my sister were my only constants in a very unstable life. I was blissfully happy as long as I was with her, and for a few years after the first and second move, I was even happy and doing great in school.
it’s probably all there.
anyway, as I got older I felt more and more anxious about my voice, and this was like a feedback loop - the more anxious I got, the more tight more voice was, etc.
combined with how badly I’d been bullied, it was, yeah.
literally just thinking now that there are probably parallels and connections in my PTSD fawn tendencies and how when I felt scared of being turned on/low on confidence, (all the time) I’d be more feminine/boyish.
not even exaggerating, this has been something that’s dominated my life (I still live at home) and it feels like it’s only just making sense as I type this.
was going to say more but I need to process this a bit
was going to say about how it was comforting/reassuring to think/learn about gender progressively and realise facial hair, deeper voices, etc, didn’t have to be/weren’t tied to gender
has been difficult knowing how to process that and grow and now I know why
Yes, that’s right, a minimum of FIVE YEARS to the first possible start of treatment in my area. It might be a struggle for me financially, but at least I’ve been able to take out loans and credit card to find treatment. Can’t imagine how it must feel for that to not even be an option.
Appointments obviously won’t be back to normal for some time, so I would imagine we’ll easily be at seven years plus next year. Why would anyone even bother? How many people will die, have mental health crises, or be a shell of the person they could be. Why does nobody care that this is happening?
That is so flagrantly shit!
I’m sorry @wileycat
It is beyond disgusting
I cannot even start to understand how this is possible. So sorry to hear this.
Response to the GRA reform is out
Haven’t had a chance to skim it yet.
I mean, it’s better than I expected for sure.
Pretty sceptical on the new GICs though. It seems a lot of the problem is a shortage of people who are qualified / want to work in the field (not surprising given there’s an army of people digging for dirt on them), a lack of funding, and they’ve basically all come to a standstill with the pandemic.
Also how advanced are they with these new ones? We’re getting towards the end of the year and we’re in a pandemic. It’s positive for sure, but I’m also loaning towards ‘I’ll believe it when I see it’. Idk, don’t really know enough about this stuff to judge.
Given the vocal dissent against any progress during submissions and the instincts of this government, seems to me that any movement in the right direction at the moment is a win.
As @wileycat says, the devil will no doubt be in the detail, but this could easily have been a disaster.
I wouldn’t get your hopes up yet
I don’t think either of us are suggesting it’s a good outcome (I don’t think ‘win’ was quite the right word but I understand the meaning). But given the earlier messaging seemed to suggest no change whatsoever, I’ll take crumbs as something.
I’m not happy about it, and like I said am sceptical on the GIC front (seem something on Twitter suggesting they’re just claiming some existing projects), but it is better than nothing.
Yeah, exactly this. I was expecting regression rather than anything else, so while it’s hardly a victory for trans rights, just holding steady feels like a relative positive to me.