I was born in a cross-fire hurricane
And I howled at the morning driving rain
But it’s all right now, in fact, it’s a gas
But it’s all right. I’m Jumpin’ Jack Flash
Eatin’ ass, ass ass…
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There once was a man called Cleetus
Who loved nothing more than to eat ass
But due to corona
He was all on his own-a
And now he makes do with wheatgrass
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Eat life.
Eat a job.
Eat a career.
Eat a family,
Eat a fucking big television
Eat washing machines, cars,
Compact disc players, and electrical tin openers.
Eat good health, low cholesterol
And dental insurance.
Eat fixed-interest mortgage repayments.
Eat a starter home.
Eat your friends.
Eat leisure wear and matching luggage.
Eat a three piece suite on hire purchase
In a range of fucking fabrics.
Eat DIY and wondering who you are on a Sunday morning.
Eat sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing
Sprit-crushing game shows
Stuffing fucking junk food into your mouth.
Eat rotting away at the end of it all,
Pishing you last in a miserable home
Nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish,
Fucked-up brats you have spawned to replace yourself.
Eat your future.
Eat ass.
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Ladies and gentlemen of the class of '97
Eat ass.
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, eaten’ ass would be it
A long-term benefits of ass eatin’ have been proved by scientists
Whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable
Than my own meandering experience, I will dispense this advice now
Enjoy the power and beauty of your ass, oh, never mind
You will not understand the power and beauty of your ass
Until it’s faded, but trust me, in 20 years, you’ll look back
At photos of yourself and recall in a way you can’t grasp now
How much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked
You ass is not as fat as you imagine
Don’t worry about the future
Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing Bubble gum
The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind
The kind that blindsides you at 4 p.m. On some idle Tuesday
Do one thing every day that scares you
Saying, don’t be reckless with other people’s asses
Don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours
Eat
Don’t waste your time on jealousy
Sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind
The race is long and in the end, it’s only with yourself
Remember compliments you receive, forget the insults, if you succeed in doing this, tell me how
Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements
Stretch
Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life.
The most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives
Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don’t
Get plenty of calcium
Be kind to your ass
You’ll miss it when it’s gone
Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t
Maybe you’ll have children, maybe you won’t
Maybe you’ll divorce at 40, maybe you’ll dance the ‘Funky Chicken’
On your 75th wedding anniversary
Whatever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much
Or berate yourself either
Your choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s
Enjoy your ass, use it every way you can
Don’t be afraid of it or what other people think of it
It’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own
Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your own living room
Read the directions even if you don’t follow them
Do not read beauty magazines, they will only make your ass feel ugly
Brother and sister together we’ll make it through
Some day a spirit will take you and guide you there
I know you’ve been hurting but I’ve been waiting to be there for you
And I’ll be there just helping you out whenever I can
Get to know your parents, you never know when they’ll be gone for good
Be nice to your siblings, they’re your best link to your past
And the people most likely to stick with you in the future
Understand that friends come and go
But a precious few, who should hold on
Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle
For as the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young
Live in New York City once but leave before it makes your ass hard
Live in northern California once but leave before it makes your ass soft
Travel
Accept certain inalienable truths
Prices will rise, politicians will philander, your ass too, will get old
And when you do, you’ll fantasize that when you were young
Prices were reasonable, politicians were noble
And children respected their elders
Respect your elders
Don’t expect anyone else to support you
Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you’ll have a wealthy spouse
But you never know when either one might run out
Never mess too much with your hair
Or by the time you’re 40 it will look 85
Be careful whose advice you buy but be patient with those who supply it
Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past
From the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts
And recycling it for more than it’s worth
But trust me on the ass
Brother and sister together we’ll make it through
Some day a spirit will take you and guide you there
I know you’ve been hurting but I’ve been waiting to be there for you
And I’ll be there just helping you out whenever I can
Everybody see it oh yeah yeah
Everybody see it oh yeah
He want you to feel good!
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Really laughing at this. Edited the lyrics after a glass of wine late last night. I should have put a bit more effort in but - so funny.
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The big questions
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Ass - the other white meat
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Ass, ass,
The musical fruit
The more you eat
The more it toots
The more it toots
The better you feel
So let’s eat ass
With every meal
Close enough
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Brian May, Roger Taylor and Adam Lambert post here? Cool!
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Ass margar-eater.
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im brian may
Wish I’d put a bit more effort into my Sunscreen edit. Parts of it really make me laugh still.
Give us a guitar solo from the roof of Affleck’s Palace