#21

I was with some friends recently who are a straight couple. They were telling me about a slightly eccentric friend of theirs and the guy was telling me about how she’s really unrealistic in the men she goes after, that they are mostly way out of her league. He decided to illustrate this further:

“You know, you have to be realistic, it’s like, if I was single I wouldn’t be aiming for Jessica Chastain or something…I’d…”

Suddenly realising that he had ventured out onto thin ice he turned to look at his wife who finished for him.

“Settle for me?”

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#22

I think banging in front of minors would make things worse tbh.

#23

Oh yeah! Didnt read your post properly.

Anyway - good luck!

#24

I’m going to blur this as it’s a sensitive subject (CW: Suicide)

I started working somewhere where I quickly found out that a person who had worked there a few months prior had killed themselves. This happened after I’d answered the phone and was like “whos is X? Do they still work here?”. Uncomfortable in its own right. But a week or so later, we were all having bants about something else and I very loudly in a small office said something along the lines of “urgh i’d rather kill myself”. I still feel so terrible about it. I think I ran out of the room and cried a lot and probably went home.

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#25

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#26

Best goddamn policewoman this zoo has ever seen.

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#27

I think I do it more over a text medium.

I have in the past been out with a friend and sent a text to a boyfriend saying I was having a shit time and my mate was being annoying…only to send it to her. Awkward.

Also at our place of work people like to write stuff on other peoples computers when they’ve left it unlocked. My friend left his pc unlocked so I went on it and thought i’d create some top quality office bants and message a new girl at work to tell her that he had a mannequin of himself at home or something weird like that.
Except I got the name wrong and sent it to someone in France. :woman_shrugging:

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#28

Sort of ruined my friends stag do surprise. I asked if they were excited about it before mimicking loading and firing a massive shot gun.

“Oh… so we’re going shooting?”

Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck

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#29

:man_facepalming:

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#30

I’ve done worse. I wrote out one three times before deciding I didn’t want to post it on the off chance they somehow discovered it on here :grimacing:

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#31

Incredible. Also, terrible. Although at 13 you couldn’t have conceived of the word’s baggage, right?

Oh my WORD. I feel … still racist, but better.

Mate :frowning: Also, the ‘sending the text to the person the text is about’ thing was something I thought had died out with the advent of smartphones. And good fucking riddance to it. Absolutely classic move.

My entire life is just one cycle of me doing something (physically or verbally) clumsy, pretending I’m OK with it, and then getting over it. Eventually.

#32

Oh yeah, your example here is completely harmless. Made me chuckle though :slight_smile:

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#33

I cried because I felt so bad tho :cry:

#34

the title’s absolutely done me

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#35

Most of my awkward bants is exaggerated commie stuff that offends liberals
talks of gulags and guillotines and suchlike

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#36

I’ve done a few of these in my life but very few spring to mind bar one.

When I first started high school I was put into a class with five other boys, two of which were neds and two others were guys I’d never met before from a school up the road. Amazingly, in my little sheltered life, I’d never encountered anyone from a school less than five minutes drive away. Anyway.

On the “induction” days we were all trundling from class to class and we realised quickly that myself, Saleem and Imran were cut from the same cloth. I think it was my Pokémon pencil case that did it. We became friendly over the two days.

On starting in August I was walking up to the school full of trepidation on my first day, to see one of my new classmates standing ahead of me, looking equally worried and scared. I walked up, and said “Oh, hey Imran! Good summer?” to which he replied “Yes, but I’m Saleem”.

Luckily, both were forgiving. Saleem is actually one of my closest friends still to this day, 22 years later.

9 Likes
#37

I’ve posted about this before but in my office we sign a ridiculous amount of birthday/birth/new home/wedding cards to the point that I probably sign about five a week.

Was signing a condolences card whilst someone else was talking about their holiday and I wrote ‘sorry to hear about your holiday’. I was the last of 40 to sign as well so I couldn’t scrap the card and just had to try to style it out.

18 Likes
#38

Was leaving one shit job for another and both bosses were called Lorraine. I dunno why it came up in conversation but a coworker on my final shift (stood alongside Lorraine 1 who was actually really sound and had really helped me out) made some rubbish non-joke about every female in my life being called Lorraine. “Your girlfriend is called Lorraine, your best mate is called Lorraine, your dog is called Lorraine”. At which point captain dickhead over here was like “yeah, it’s a great name for a dog, eh, eh!!”. Blank stares.

Dunno wtf I was thinking. She immediately went outside for a smoke and cried her eyes out apparently. She was in the process of getting divorced after her husband cheated on her because he didn’t find her attractive anymore. Still feel utterly terrible about it to this day.

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#39

:no_mouth:

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#40

This has really tickled me. Really great.

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