Going out with someone who has abandonment issues


#1

For anyone who’s gone out with someone who suffers from fear of abandonment, how did you do it?

Long story short - have recently met someone, things have moved very fast - sex on second date, her talking about moving in on third date (scared the shit out of me!) - and I just don’t know how to navigate this. She’s exactly the same as an ex of mine, who also suffered from abandonment issues - first date to relationship in a blink of an eye, clingy, over the top sentiments of love, which then turned to her being scared she was going to lose me, going emotionally cold on me and then ending it before it ever really begun. Apparently people who suffer from fear of abandonment reject people before their partner has the chance to reject them - a form of being in control.

I really like this girl, but I’m wary this might go the same way as she’s very similar to this particular ex.

For anyone who has been with someone who had these fears, advice would be much appreciated.


#2

Not an expert but probably talk to them about it? Explain that things are moving quite fast and that you need things to move a little slower?


#3

I don’t understand why people start weird threads like this.


#4

I agree with @HotBeefTrauma you need to have a discussion if you want this to go further


#5

Basically this

but I want to note that, fuck me, is this post funny to read out loud


#6

I’ve actually studied this phenomenon for 20+ years. It’s a delicate and often misunderstood condition.

I would recommend a steady diet of haribo and thrice daily gong bath sessions.


#7

To those saying this is weird, that’s unkind, asking for advice is fine!
Agree with @HotBeefTrauma too, talk it over but be reassuring too so the self defence mechanism doesn’t kick in


#8

Oh yeah


#9

Yeah, I did that with my ex and she saw that as a sign that I was rejecting her. The smallest perceived slight seemed to bring the house tumbling down.

In hindsight I shouldn’t have made this thread. Fear of abandonment is a hard to understand phobia and, unless you’ve dated someone with that fear, it’s impossible to understand. Hell, I struggle at times to understand it.

Nevermind. Carry on…


#10

This is an unkind thing to say


#11

I disagree, but i’ll take your and jazzballet’s point. Something about the tone of the OP didn’t sit well with me, that’s all, perhaps i’ve misjudged it, idk, but i can’t remember a woman starting a “i’ve been having sex with someone and they’re clingy”-type thread.

Just a bit wary that personal posts like this are about another human-being ultimately. Perhaps i’m being a big prude, but i just can’t imagine telling the internet that i’d met a woman and we’d had sex. Seems an unecessary detail to me. I’ve absolutely no issue with people asking for relationship advice.


#12

Fair enough, but I think the guys just asking for advice, I didn’t see it as boasting


#13

Not boasting insomuch as if that person was able to be identified there’s already real specifics about when they chose to have sex with someone. It’s a bit… i get what @bugduv is saying.

I mean it’s not THAT long ago since that exact situation happened and caused a ginormous amount of hurt to someone. If @Zygotic regrets the post can the @moderators consider nuking it? It’s the level of detail (not the poster asking for help) that feels a bit crud.


#14

I like your voice

Also, this wasn’t the funny bit to read out…


#15

wouldn’t call it weird, seems to be a genuine request for advice.


#16

I didn’t want to dissuade him though bc he did a bloody good job, for fair


#17

Oh yeah! (oops)


#18

Happy to nuke it if required, I don’t have a problem with it myself as the details are pretty generic but I am fairly aware of how it could be perceived.


#19

Would love to do a super important and brilliant avant-garde spoken word album with you.


#20

I’d be up for this