Don’t use the number of band members as part of your band name
Don’t be a covers band
Have proper songs and proper haircuts
Every 3 months or so, do an interview for the NME or Rolling Stone or something claiming that “Genre X is stale/dead” and you’re going to give it “a real kick up the arse” with your new album of probably insipid bollocks.
Take really moody photographs. Ideally in black and white and a post-industrial back drop. If you can, do this before making any music.
Split up. You probably suck and are nowhere near as good as the Mighty Mighty Bosstones.
Also, don’t “quirkily” use another number as part of your name when you actually have more/fewer members.
Generally speaking, don’t be quirky.
Don’t play the Good Ship
Don’t pretend that individual band members’ influences somehow combine to make the band something unique.
Say that you don’t fit in any genre despite clearly playing rock music.
Have mojitos at 10am
Live every week like it’s shark week.
Do a concept album about sharks but don’t feature the word sharks in any song, album title or lyric.
Don’t do concept albums based around the dystopian YA novel that the singer clearly doesn’t have the talent to write. Don’t let him discuss it in interviews. Don’t let him explain the plot, or say things like ‘then Cathuarsu has to descend to The Other Place, where the unbelievers mass to defeat him’. It’s fucking awful every time.
If you are wondering if your songs need more keytar, then they need more keytar.
Don’t be a cunt.
I can never tell on the Internet when people say shark week they mean the week of shark documentaries or having your period.
Internet Shark Week
- Week of sharks on TV