my ma occasionally regales me with stories about my great grandfather who apparently was involved in gun-running for the IRA
also had a cousin on my dad’s side who was a heavy duty drug dealer in Australia for a while and laundered some of his money through putting on festivals over there with some of the big DJ’s of the day like Carl Cox, he went off the rails a bit when he got into dabbling in his own produce, fell through the roof of my aunt’s house whilst trying to break in and ended up serving about 10 years inside
If you Google my (original) surname you get some stuff about my aunt (by marriage to my dad’s brother) being kidnapped for ransom but it apparently being some kind of scam that she was in on, related to her son’s incarceration due to IRA-related activities.
My grandad on my mum’s side was apparently involved in some kind of smuggling operation on the Liverpool docks. According to my gran, raids of his house became so routine that he became quite friendly with some of the investigators.
Also my grandpa’s father looked exactly like (notorious philanderer) Edward VII and everyone used to tell him that when he grew up. According my my mum he was dropped off at an orphanage by a well-to-do lady when he was a baby and money sent over every month… So… maybe I’m 2748959th in line to the throne or something?
I will definitely be guillotined in the DiS revolution won’t I.
My auntie was one of the writers & animators on The Snowman and my uncle’s company designed the logo for the railways in the UK, but they see themselves as above the rest of the family so I just hope they’re happy but have no interest in connecting with them in any way.
Diana Dors was my grandad’s aunt, or something like that.
Around the time I discovered this, there was a Channel 4 programme about her fortune being lost and the trail to try and find it and get it back to its rightful heir. To a lot of people that programme was entertainment. To me it was a lottery ticket.
My great grandfather was a bare knuckle boxer. There’s a long line of hard as nails guys in my family that finally stops with Doughy McPacifist here. If there is any kind of afterlife they’re going to kick the shit out of me for eternity.
I’ve just had a fantastic idea for next year’s comedy hit of the summer. It’s like Get Hard, but instead of prepping someone for a life in prison, it’s prepping someone for a violent afterlife.
According to family legend my grandmother’s uncle emigrated to Canada and got caught up in two criminal activities - cattle rustling, for which he was deported back to the UK, then he snuck back in and started booze running alcohol into the States during prohibition. Should ask my dad for more details really, not sure how much of it is true.
What IS true are the various tales of my dad’s grandad, a farmer / money lender, who kept all his cash in a giant iron safe in his front room with a lacy doily on top. He once got kicked by a horse which cracked his head open, instead of seeking medical advice he poured vinegar on the wound then wrapped his head in brown paper
He died of a heart attack in his farm yard. Apparently his wife was told his last words were “Tell my wife I love her”, but it has been passed down that his last words were actually “I hate that fucking dog”, and his heart attack was set off because he was pissed at the dog and trying to kick it.
