Have you got any low-key nemeses?

You know the sort of person I am talking about. The person who always seems to get on the train in front of you. The person who overtakes you on their bike every morning. The person who always seems to spend too long on the gym equipment, or has been parking in your favourite space for the past two months.

Got anyone?

The person who arrives at the bus stop juuust before I do. I have no idea why this irks me, but it does.

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Fucking Extremely English Richard always parks his car on the opposite row from the one that’s filling up, which leads to some unnecessarily awkward parking manoeuvres if you want to park considerately.


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Early Ian Brown lyrics needed spellchecking


This spot on my thigh

Any people, Bam?

Next door who referred to me as a hippy

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Had this with a guy in college who couldn’t clap in time

Later found out he had dyspraxia

Guy o the corner of the street who is always out with flip flops on and hanging around with like 10 people and looking at their cars

Also the kids that throw stuff at the house when they’re walking past. It’s not targeted as such, we just happen to be on the route they walk past from school. No damage yet, but I now understand why my neighbour’s front door (and my previous one) had impact holes in the panels.

But what can you do? You go out and say “oi, stop doing that you scallywags” and they say “no” and call you clean shirt and then what.


Thankfully it wasn’t dyslexia

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The person who frequently parks their citroen picasso on a certain drop curb like them being slightly closer to their house matters more than people being able to cross the road safely.

Air rifle set up out the window

There’s someone in work who when they make themselves a hot drink leaves the used teaspoon on top of the tea towel.


Your most Tim Vine work yet

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That’s your answer to everything.

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Early lyrics to I Spy needed a redraft


Adopt anyone who is annoying the TV at work as my nemesis, even though I never meet them


Yeah I get so so furious with people that wrong my wife.


This might explain my deep-seated self loathing.