#65

Until a couple of years ago, I was firmly in the ‘not now, not ever’ camp.

But now, messing about with my nieces is pretty much what gives me the most joy and could cope with all smelly stuff for that.

#66

I don’t want kids but if my hypothetical future wife/long term partner/whatever wanted them I would be willing to discuss it.

#67

Oh, it was all fine in the end. Our boy is 2 now. But the first pregnancy didn’t work out, so I didn’t enjoy the second one at all. Hated it actually. Constantly worried.

I was 37 too, actually. I’ll never forget the woman at the hospital using the term ‘geriatric pregnancy’. I was all “err, some mistake, surely? I’m still a boy!”.

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#68

no - I’m far too selfish - wanna spend my free time in the pub, or cycling, or watching football, or playing games, or whatever I wanna be doing…

definitely don’t want to spend it watching shit cartoons and at soft play (and then as the years progress at stuff like swimming galas and bowling alley kids bday parties)

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#69

The paradox is if you had kids, you would. It changes your entire perspective on what you ‘want’ to spend your time doing.

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#70

maybe? definitely not ready to take the risk though :slight_smile:

#71

Essentially this, plus the irreversible damage to my body after hosting and then squeezing out an actual human

no thank u

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#72

Also, as they get older, the cartoons get better. We’re just moving onto Adventure Time, Gumball, Spongebob, etc. All brilliant. That and because he’s not terrible he doesn’t just want to sit watching tv, so we do stuff.

#73

I’m sure this is true for most people, but there’s a definite stigma around people admitting that they’ve become a parent and that it really isn’t for them. Which makes it really dangerous to rely on the “I don’t want this, but biology will kick in and I’ll be fine!!” argument for why you should have children.

#74

I’m sure there is but the stigma around it will be the least of your worries if you have the misfortune of experiencing this…

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#75

It’s worth noting that both of my parents hated being parents. Hated it. They’ve both said if they’d had their time again they wouldn’t have bothered with it. And they’ve both come through it alright I suppose.

#76

Sure, but my point was about how dangerous an assumption it is to make that you’ll be fine with the decision to have kids once it happens.

My ex’s dad said he wasn’t sure he wanted kids until after it had happened. That’s a hell of a (incredibly irresponsible, imo) gamble to take.

#77

I think in instances like this I default to the “well that’s tough shit you’ve just got to deal with it” approach. Appreciate not everyone shares this view.

#78

The biggest problem I’ve experienced from people becoming parents and not enjoying it is the reluctance to sacrifice some of the things they used to fill their spare time with, even though most of those things were literally just wasting time anyway (e.g. people being attached to their phones, spending hours a day playing video games, living at the pub). In these instances, I think having kids just forces people to become an adult, and they don’t like it.

This is not a dig at any of the above things, but moderation is always important, and society in general has a problem with differentiating between time-wasting activities and good quality hobby/relaxing time.

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#79

Yes, but that possibility should really be factored into the decision making process before it happens rather than saying “I’ll definitely want to do those things when it happens even though I definitely don’t want to do them now.”

#80

When I worked in a pub lots of older couples who hadn’t had kids used to come in. They used to talk about how happy they were with the extra time and money but didn’t seem that happy and drank a lot. They also were really out of touch as I suppose kids make you get involved in different areas of society.

#81

Well the flaw here, which we’re both guilty of, is talking in absolute terms about this. No-one really knows if they definitely want kids and all that brings, and no-one really knows if they definitely don’t want them either. It’s all a scale and we live and die by our decisions - I’d personally be wary of claiming the route I took to arrive at mine is superior to anybody elses.

All we can do is just hope that when the nuclear apocalypse comes we can look back and go “I did the right thing”.

#82

I don’t know that everyone who decides to have kids is 100% full on “it will be amazing”, though, are they?

It’s like this move to Australia we’re doing. People are all, “Oh you must be excited and really looking forward to it,” and the answer isn’t really that. Yeah, there are a lot of things to look forward too. There’s also going to be saying goodbye to my mum and stepdad, F saying goodbye to them, dealing with renting our flat, moving stuff out there, trying to sort out a house to rent, faffing with school, worrying how F will deal with her new life, not being sure how we’ll deal with it, saying goodbye to a lot of stuff."

I mean it’s fucking hard shit, is what I’m saying. Sometimes you just have to accept there are decisions that aren’t really full on one way or the other. Do you want kids? They’re great in loads of ways, they’ll stress the hell out of you in others. But the flipside is that if you don’t have kids you might find that life gets tougher in your late 40s because you’re not into going out and drinking loads any more any way. Like a lot of the very valid reasons I didn’t have any interest in having kids 10-15 years ago, would be really unimportant reasons to me now, and if lots of your friends have kids that means your entire life is already changing? I mean part of what made my 20s so great were the people around me living their lives in the same way I did.

Sorry for this ramble. I don’t think people should feel pressured into having kids by others saying, “Oh if you had them your views would change”.

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#83

Thinking that it’s going to be 100% amazing and being sure that you want kids aren’t the same thing.

I doubt that there’s anyone who is sure that they want kids also thinking that it will be 100% amazing.

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#84

Yeah, always feel quite sad when I see people like that, especially at the more extreme end. The bloke will always be at pains to stress that “Oh, nothing wrong down there! All working perfectly well thank you very much! Just value my freedom!” then start tutting if someone brings a kid into the bar.