#85

yep, would love to have kids one day. Probably around aged 30. I reckon I’d be a great dad too.

1 Like
#86

Perhaps the ones who actually were happy were off jet-skiing or scuba diving or something.

2 Likes
#87

Some people are FULLY on board with kids and do, indeed, think that. People like different things and some people don’t find adversity to be a massive deal to them.

These views might not be the same but they are close and nor is ‘not sure you wanted kids until you have them’ a phrase you can really pick apart and act like it’s irresponsible. People have different ways to quantify their feelings is entirely the point of my post. One person’s 7/10 album is literally another’s 9/10 and they can both be enjoyed as much by each person but your metric is individual.

#88

Disagree. There’s a world of difference between “I want this but do not know how well I will deal with the downsides” and “I don’t know if I actually want this but I’ll do it anyway”. That isn’t semantics. When the thing is bringing a human life into the world, it absolutely is irresponsible to hold the latter view and do it anyway. It might work out fine, but it was still an irresponsible decision to have made.

#90

If you want to be with your partner and they totally want kids then it makes sense. I think it’s presumptive to assume that just because someone has kids and decides it’s not for them, they won’t still do all the necessary work for them. Apart from a few fucking weirdos, none of us enjoy our jobs but we do them well and competently because we’re fundamentally not total bastards, and sometimes we even do have days where our job is interesting.

I’m not arguing that people should have kids just because: clearly there are kids out there who suffered terrible upbringings thanks to parents who were terrible and hated it. I feel like there’s a gulf between that and deciding you should always go into any huge life-changing choice fully invested with it.

#91

I’m not presuming this at all.

#92

Okay fair enough. Why is it irresponsible, then?

EDIT: not meaning this to be snarky, just interested.

#93

The people in the pub I was referring to did also go and do all the nice holidays. They way I would look at it is when I was a kid I used to look forward to doing loads of things and get really excited. The older I have got the more I have done and the less of an impact it has on me, once you have been to an amazing beach or jet skiing you know what to expect next time. But I couldn’t wait to go to the beach with my niece to see her face and watch her play in the sea.

1 Like
#94

It’s potentially setting up yourself, your partner and maybe (but not necessarily) a child for significant emotional trauma.

#95

Mate, everyone gets sad. I don’t think couples without kids are going to be any sadder than those with.

#97

I don’t think you have time to get sad when you have kids. (I don’t mean that seriously)
I do know a few people without kids who have are completely happy as well.

#98

Yeah, that is true.

I guess what I’m trying to get across, but failing, is that you know yourself. If you decide to have kids that way you might also know that you will be emotionally fine and will be okay with it.

What he said is in some ways where I stood on kids, which was always that I’d have kids if my partner wanted them but otherwise I would be fine. Part of this was that my partner in life was more important to me than desire for kids, so I didn’t want to be in a situation where this was a deciding factor. However, I totally trusted that I would be cool with having kids because, you know, my parents clearly loved me even if one of them was being an absolute arsehole.

^^^^ I mean you see, it’s a fucking complex psychological thing and I could go on for hours and maybe if I was asked I might give you that offhand response because I wasn’t about to go into all that.

1 Like
#99

Finding it hard to know what to write in this thread.

If you’ll allow me to be sappy for a minute, then I’ll all say is this; I’m a big believer in the idea that “happiness is only real when shared”*. If your happiness is shared with a partner or friends or the family you already have, and that happiness sustains you, that’s wonderful. For me, having a child has expanded the happiness I have and am capable of having on a deep level.

*I’m not saying Into the Wild is a good film though, fuck that dude.

7 Likes
#100

You can take the disser out of the music board but you can’t take the music board out of the disser.

8 Likes
#101

found out when I was 20 that there’s a high chance I’m infertile, which was a massive relief. my dad always used to hassle me about how i’d deffo want kids as an adult and wouldn’t be whole without them (until I told him about the infertility thing), and at my leaving drinks when I was 22 one of my coworkers gave me a big speech about how I had to have them. gotta love having a uterus!

#102

Had a child super young. Aside from the trauma of having a kid as a teen and the fallout when you inevitably split with the mother, this isn’t a bad route to take. Definitely not having any more. Too much stress, and I love travelling etc which is nigh on impossible/no fun when you’re a proper adult and have nippers.

#103

Absolutely this.

I hate it when people try and impress their own thoughts or feelings onto other people.

For me, having kids is something I’d definitely wanted after losing a baby back in 2002 during a non-planned pregnancy (just realised I’d be a Dad to a mid-teen now if they’d survived… I feel old all of a sudden!). That experience totally focused my mind on what I wanted from life. And, although being a parent isn’t always easy (often, it’s far from it), speaking personally I get back far more pleasure and joy from the kids than the time and effort I put in myself really warrants.

But that’s just me - it suits me and it gives my life infinitely more purpose and direction than it’d otherwise have.

For many other people, I imagine this is the absolute opposite of what they want from life. And that’s fine, isn’t it? Because people are allowed to want different things from life aren’t they?

#104

I’m very pro-kids, but you definitely meet a lot of wet blankets through being a parent.

1 Like
#107

When I told relatives I was keeping my surname when I got married, I got a few asking me “what will you do when you have kids?” So many things wrong with that question anyway but I really don’t understand why people that don’t exist and may never exist need to be considered above actual, real, 27-year-old me and my name that I use every day for everything.

Also, if I did change my mind and decide to have kids, why would they have the other guy’s name if I grew the thing inside me and would probably end up doing most of the work once it’s out? Obviously a lot of people disagree and it’s a very personal choice, I just think it’s weird that the default is that babies take their dad’s surname

6 Likes
#109

The depressing answer of course is that police / passport control is probably far more likely to be suspicious of a man with a child that doesn’t have his last name than a woman in the same situation. I imagine/hope this is changing, though.