"He doesn't have his shit together"


Had breakfast with an old friend who was pondering why she might not be fully into the guy she’s dating and it was familiar enough a reason: “he’s 34 but doesn’t have his shit together.”

Earns well enough to save, but no savings account or savings of any sort indeed, largely from partying/holidays. Doesn’t see the problem.

So does/would this matter to you, DiS, if you met someone your age who was similar? It’s a depends isn’t it? But him being 34 for some reason makes it feel like a more legit concern mebbe. Idk. Your thoughts, hive mind.

How's your love life DiS?

Attitudes towards money are important. Whilst there are many factors behind why he hasn’t got £££ sitting in a savings account, if his attitude on the matter is very different to your friend’s then this seems as legitimate concern as any.


yeah that’s what i put forward – he’s not ‘wrong’ but it’s probably going to eat away at her if it’s already in her head.


So, yes, it would and does matter to me broadly speaking.


like when you save up all the little end slivers of soap and mash them together to make a new bar


Additionally, she earns/saves a lot, so while dating someone without savings isn’t an issue per se, she’s increasingly feeling like settling down would basically entail her using her savings for major ‘milestone’ purchases as an implied part of the relationship etc.


exactly like that


Exactly. Nothing inherently wrong with his relationship with his own finances but these things are all about compatibility aren’t they. And they change with age. When I first started going out with my wife I was fairly relaxed about money etc. but now I’m older I am really quite concerned about her attitude towards it which I find quite appalling all in. So yeah it might be wise to not have to deal with such dischord on the matter!


Yeah can’t imagine being with someone who doesn’t have a pension plan or a coffee table :joy:


i am def totally different on this subject than i was in my mid, even lateish 20s. no savings to speak of at 27, then freaked out that maybe that was bad news and finally got down to getting things sorted. my wife on the other hand, even when she was earning almost zero, has always saved something from any paycheck since she was 16, and she’s only just turned 28.


Would actually prefer if they didn’t


oh this was to @GEOFF, Ruffers missing the point is something entirely separate


how come?


I’m not sure adhering to normal/established forms of personal finance are necessary for a long term relationship, that’s all, certainly not for me - in fact probably the opposite. And the idea it’s a maturity thing is a bit condescending?


Would be a more suitable match for me


makes sense – i think we’re all singing from the same hymn sheet


Not sure anyone said they were in what was a pretty chill positing of worries being either legit or not. Your defensiveness is possibly a bit telling idk? Re-read the OP then tell me where the mention of immaturity is?

tl;dr – look within


That bit?


Same here. Worth noting my wife was brought up in the very definition of poverty so I understand where her attitude comes from. Problem for me is that the welfare structures that kept her family clothed and fed are ebbing away so having one’s own safety net is crucial if you ask me.


‘for some reason’ ‘mebbe. idk’

if you take pondering whether age makes a ‘lack of fiscal responsibility’ a problem or somesuch as condescending/a comment on immaturity, again, that’s more about you than me.

As I said about 30 seconds later to geoff (and in the OP), depends doesn’t it? She probably won’t do well with him long-term, which is fair enough no?