How do you think you can best add value to my life?

For example, Saps may be able to skim my living room ceiling, antpocs could sing me to sleep with sweet lullabies, jeziron can speak to his bro-in-law, ethric could help out with the nursery run etc.

Please apply below.

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I’m very interested in why you’d think this

To be honest I would fancy your chances more than saps skimming my ceiling

I’m surprisingly competent at DIY type tasks as it happens!

I could see to your wife’s carnal needs if you like?

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What are your tree surgery skills like?

Erm, I’ve once cut a branch off a tree and put some of that black tar-like stuff on the bit that was left.

Would you also board all of the floor and would you mind if I binned all the trains and stuff?

Ok, I need you to chop several 30m trees in half and ensure they don’t die.

I feel like I’ve done enough for you already quite frankly.

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Vertically or horizontally?

Ok, you get a bye.

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if you get any TV shows commissioned i could be an important part of your post-production team

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I’ll leave that one to your expertise.

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I’m thinking of a reality show where seriously underqualified people do very dangerous tasks. Episode 1: tree surgery.


You’re gonna need a hell of a lot of glass for all that chopping.

The underqualified people do dangerous tasks will need a marketing campaign.

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I have to put a felt roof back on a shed tomorrow. Not much looking forward to it, to be honest.

Why did you take it off?

Could cook you some pasta I guess