How's your depression?


#2268

Don’t worry I certainly wouldn’t lump you into the bullies category. As far as I’m concerned you’ve always been one of the good uns…

I, on the other hand, definitely wasn’t for a spell in the early 10’s


#2269

Last year I suffered 4 bereavements - gerbils in April and early December (who were by far the best thing to boost my mood when I felt sad), my nan on May Day and my grandad on Christmas Day. I also ‘lost’ my dream job (got inches away from it) and my ex (not that I had ‘had’ him for ages, but he was a useful daydream when I was down). Losing my grandad didn’t really affect me much on its own - he was suffering, which was upsetting me more than knowing he’s now at peace and reunited with my nan - but something about the quantity of loss over the last 9 months has really hit me since New Year.

This has massively been compounded by worrying about my best friend’s MH issues. Tl;dr: he has bipolar, so I’m used to his downers and him occasionally disappearing for a week or two from social media, then being very fragile when he returns. However, with his worsening back pain (he is in a wheelchair and had a serious fall in September which has really affected the mobility he had), he’s currently in the worst state i’ve seen him in during the 5 1/2 years we’ve known each other. He ‘vanished’ offline a week before Christmas, was about for a few hours on Christmas Eve and then vanished again until the end of last week. Since he’s returned, it’s obvious he is very unwell - he is struggling to send a message to a person, totally overwhelmed by conversations and stimuli, etc. He’s posting public statuses as he’s unable to individually talk to people, but wants to try and verbalise his feelings. They are brutally honest and detailed and reading them makes me utterly miserable, and guilty because I felt inexplicably angry with him when he ‘returned’ last week.

He’s managed to have two conversations with me. One was fine but one was really intense and made me feel a bit nauseous by telling me that one of the things that upset him enough to vanish for 2 weeks was finding out I was spending New Year with a mutual friend he used to CASUALLY hook up with, and asking if it was “still just screwing” out of the blue which made me feel really uncomfortable. (About a year after anything had last happened between them, I mentioned the possibility of me hooking up with the mutual to my friend, he was REALLY surprised and weirded out but ultimately said it was fine. I was going to mention the whole New Year thing to him in advance but I couldn’t because he had vanished by that point and wasn’t contactable!?! I would never have dreamed of going there if it hadn’t just been casual, but… like… IT WAS and he never mentioned it as being anything else.)

So I’m feeling crushingly worried about him, useless because there’s nothing I can do, frustrated because I feel like there’s a lot of pressure on me to not trigger him but also not being good at walking on eggshells, and most of all, incredibly lonely because even though he often annoys me/vice versa, our relationship is the closest and most important one in my life. Atm it looks like it will take him months to recover, so tbh I feel like I’ve lost him too. (awkwardly, the person who has been picking up the slack and being a real rock for me atm is the mutual friend… which could then lead to more eggshells with my best mate.)

None of this is stuff I need medication or counselling for (I’ve actually been waiting all day for my doctor to ring me back so we can discuss me coming off Sertraline). I think it’s just a dip and I need a cuddle. Just wanted to let it out really. I don’t think it’s very coherent because it’s a weird situation


#2270

So the trust i work at did a 3 hour long group therapy session which I was fortunate enough to be selected to attend and it was a really great session where you go through memories with others but also learn the chemical and biological reasons yourself the way you do and how to counter it in day to day life with simple exercises and posture changes. I had a eureka moment which has hit me hard and I left feeling great. Obviously not a continued form of therapy but was astounded how catered it felt despite not being catered to every individual.

These have been played on due to the high levels of stress and depression found in nhs staff and that brave face syndrome was making people sick and that something needed to be done.


#2271

So I had a first meeting for CBT (individual) last week on Thursday. Was asked to fill out some kind of mood diary plus what I did about them, which I’ve so far failed to do; I don’t get too many “moods” or “feelings” as opposed to a consistent general nothingness and moderate level dread punctuated by occasional fleeting moments where they pass briefly, so I’ve no idea what to actually write down.

Now debating about cancelling next weeks appointment and not bothering with CBT at all, which kind of seems like a bit of a waste. :confused:


#2272

If I were you I’d stick with it and be honest in your mood diary. It may well end up not being a form of therapy that doesn’t help you at all but you’ve no chance of finding out if you don’t engage with it and one session isn’t really enough to judge. I had to push through a fairly thick wall of, “well this is just bollocks” when doing my online CBT and while it’s not been entirely useful I’ve picked up a few things that do help me cope with the bad days.


#2273

I always find mood diaries difficult, the directions you tend to be given are so vague I have no idea what they actually want me to put down, what is relevant. The therapist who I saw for a few sessions last year said he would work with me to create a sort of form I could use to prompt and direct what should be included, but then he discharged me before it got done. Maybe you could see if your therapist could help you put together something like that to help you put something down?


#2274

listening to sleater kinney for the first time since march 2015 and loving it. i went to see them live then, and the insane religious ocd/anxiety thing i was going through at the time fucking peaked bad - i went home from the gig and gashed my arm up bad and my gf found me soon after in a mess. went on meds and had therapy soon after. nice to listen to them free from all that mental shit now.


#2275

how do people do with their self-image on a day-by-day basis?

like… I mean, my mental health is largely predicated on how I look. but then how I feel can override how I feel about how I look? and then make me feel worse, in like, a feedback loop of low self-esteem, which extends to how I imagine people feel about me, being able to cope with being around others, maintaining a positive idea of myself etc.

I’ve always struggled with body dysmorphia since my teens, but also the way that mirrors, different lights, selfie cameras, photos taken by others, etc, all distort things… it’s hard to maintain a grip on things. like, what do I even look like?

I sometimes feel great, like I did the other day, but it’s so fragile and fleeting. I’ll end up butchering my hair or beard in moments of piqued anxiety or depression quite often. thought I had that under control.

and I also haven’t been sleeping too well. waking up feeling like your skin is all puffy, bags under your eyes, etc… I struggle with mornings a lot.

I woke up feeling dreadful today. I feel slightly better now. it’s so hard, though.


#2276

I’d definitely just be honest and say that you generally feel nothingness. That’s unquestionably a symptom of depression, and your therapist will get a lot more out of you saying that rather than feeling obliged to pour out emotions onto a page that aren’t inside you.

When I first went underwater a few years ago, that was exactly how I felt. Simply numb. Couldn’t emote, couldn’t feel.

I had two blocks of CBT - first batch was individual and the second was group sessions. I don’t think I had to do a mood diary for either batch, but I did for some counselling I had. It was impossible and I just fronted up.

The first batch was brilliant for me, I found it really useful in terms of being able to recognise that when I’d managed to achieve something, even something small like loading the dishwasher, that it was an achievement and to take the time out to recognise that.

As someone who found it incredibly difficult to sometimes find the motivation, the energy to do things such as making the bed, making a telephone call - the most simple of things that felt like insurmountable hurdles so often - it did change my mindset.

I’d advise you to try and stick with it for a couple more weeks if you can - I know it’s really difficult to do if you feel you’re getting nothing out of it (I really wanted to sack off the group sessions, they were a huge waste of time) - but hopefully you will slowly begin to find some benefit.

As always, you know where I am if you want to chat x


#2277

Just in addition, CBT wasn’t a cure by any means of the depression - but it did provide me with some useful thought processes and acknowledgements that took the edge of one part of the cocktail that was making me feel so utterly abysmal.


#2278

Hi All,

I haven’t posted in this thread before, but I have read it and been touched by the honesty and the support on show.

I suppose I’m just popping my head above the parapet to note that it is likely useful and affecting for far more people than are actually visible. It certainly has been for me.

Also, as so many of you have said… whether we know each other personally or not, my inbox is always open for a chat, or a drink, or whatever.


#2279

I’m the same its awful

anyone got any ideas about how I can get a passport photo done without having to look at it/myself?

Was thinking about putting someone’s contact lenses in and getting my boyfriend to do the buttons but that’s probably not advisable


#2280

Get it done at a studio rather than in a machine? Will cost £££ In comparison, but may be worth it for MH sake?


#2281

feel really hopeless and alone and like I want to cry, have really screwed up my life.

Sorry folks!


#2282

Don’t be sorry Bam!

Much love. x


#2283

thanks man


#2284

This probably sounds really weird but posting in the selfie threads for me has been such a huge step because I would have laughed in anyone’s face before if they told me I’d be posting photos of my stupid face for everyone to see. I started uni in 2007 when Facebook was everything and it caused me so much anxiety that I would avoid nights out/nearly cry and tell people to delete photos just to avoid having my photo out of my control. My profile pictures were always things like my cat or massive group photos where you can barely even see me and even that was stressful. There are photos that I was literally so disgusted by at the time and would untag them immediately and just feel really down for ages about. I’ve looked at them since and I am genuinely shocked at how hard I was on myself, and how irrational I was being. I don’t look amazing in the photos or anything but they 100% weren’t as bad as I thought they were at the time. So I guess it’s definitely just getting used to yourself and being kinder to yourself and appreciating the things you like about yourself more! Its hard but if we accept that our awful thoughts are irrational and things we find glaringly hideous are literally unnoticeable by others, it will make being kinder to ourselves that little bit easier.


#2285

Personally, unfollowing A LOT of people on Instagram helped me a lot. I would not only be comparing myself to how they looked but comparing what they had, what they wore, the amount of friends they had, how they’re always having fun etc.

Things that have helped me as well are having natural pictures taken of me. When I was younger, I absolutely HATED my big lips. I wanted thin lips. I would pose for hours in front of mirrors so that when someone got a camera out, I was ready to put my thin lips into action. I look back on those pictures (theres one up in my mums hallway and good lord it makes me want to die) and I look completely insane! I used to like dry my teeth almost so my lips would stick up and go thin!!

Now when we go away, my boyfriend is quite good at taking pictures of me when i’m posing a little but he will also take a few around there and try to make me laugh so theres loads of pictures with just my head thrown back or a stupid look on my face and I actually like them a lot more than I like the ones where I am posing because they are just quite confidence boosting. I genuinely look HAPPY rather than looking posed at being happy.

I mean I am quite lucky that big eyebrows and big lips are in fashion now :laughing:


#2286

yours and @incandenza’s pics are some of the best in the selfies thread :slight_smile:

In fact, I really like the way that selfies thread has developed. I don’t quite know how to phrase it but you’re right, it’s about being kinder to yourself (and letting others be kind to you).


#2287

Thanks :smiley: also what you said about letting others be kind to you is so important- being crap with accepting compliments can just be brushed off as being modest or shy but it’s actually a lot more insidious than that and signals underlying insecurities where you just don’t believe the compliment which is sad