How's your depression?


#2288

Of course that ties back into depression where I often think knowing something and believing it are two very different things. Like I know I’m good at my job (despite spending over half my working day on here), but sometimes I feel like a useless sack of shit.


#2289

Absolutely. Would add shovel-loads of self-deprecation with that.

I know I’m a good analyst, but I can’t accept when people describe me as a ‘data guru’ or ‘excel wizard’ because I believe I’m nothing of the sort. Instead I believe that the only reason I’m seen as a good analyst is because I use trial and error (and google) to try things out. Somehow, I’m winging it.

Whilst at times I find being self-depricating is quite useful at protecting myself, in the same way as @jazzballet says about accepting praise, it can be quite an insidious thing where you simply can’t advertise yourself for what you actually are.

It’s something I’m very guilty of - have been for as long as I can remember. The bizarre thing is, I find it so sad when genuinely wonderful people are unable to believe a kind word that’s said to them, or about them. But if someone says something to or about me, I feel completely undeserving.

Which leads to something about one’s self-perception so often being completely warped when put alonside how you perceive others. Another way to look at it is allowing other people to make mistakes, or to not have all the answers, I mean, that’s totally natural isn’t it? Yet, I won’t allow myself that same level of leeway. As if somehow, I should know better when I make an error of judgement.

It’s a real dog to deal with because on those rare occasions where I am not so wrapped up in a situation that I can take an objective step back and look at things I realise what a 'nana I’m being. But, all too often I am so consumed with feelings of hopelessness, inferiority and failure that I can’t allow myself to take that step back.

Tl;dr: Basically, mental illness is a complete headfuck.


#2290

starting a new job doing something I’m very uncomfortable with has pretty much blown the anxiety lid off. hoping it’ll pass in a few weeks, since I’ve only just started, but man…


#2291

Same! If someone is down on themselves I’m so upset for them and tell them off but do the exact same shit to myself :roll_eyes: and @colinzealuk as you said, it all ties back to depression and all it’s irritating irrationalities


#2292

Hopefully you’ll settle into it soon! You’ve done so much all at once with moving away so it’s natural to feel a bit overwhelmed, hope it gets better soon profk


#2293

Ah man, that sounds pretty rough.

What are your colleagues / line manager like? Are they approachable?

Really hope things settle down for you quckly, that you’re able to get on top of the work, and put the anxiety lid back on.

Always free if you want to unload at anytime mate.


#2294

yeah, the teacher that I’m ‘working for’ (i’m technically a language assistant but all my classes have been unsupervised, and its just me in front of 15-30 kids at a time) is approachable, but I’m basically here because she doesn’t have a lot of time, so getting guidance has been tricky at best.

I mean, I was very upfront about not having any teaching experience / qualifications, and I don’t think I’m doing a terrible job of it, but there’s so much about teaching that I don’t feel comfortable with yet (mostly class management), and its a bit overwhelming tbh.

first week, I guess, but head feels as though its going to explode, a bit.


#2295

Something about this work attracts particular type of people. Got a load of theories on it, but I’m not going to write it down here.

You get so much praise as it is seen as a bit of a dark art, but when a colleague starts to accept the praise, its such a weird thing. I guess experience makes you realise if you make a mistake (or more commonly, a perceived mistake) you’re back to square one in terms of credibility, so don’t ever believe the hype.

Was going to write something more general in the thread about being pretty much in the best shape of my life in terms of health, work, general outside things but I am so fucking bored and apathetic I’m getting to a point where I need some kind of event to induce some ANYTHING. Getting ready to press the self destruct button, I guess. The introspection is making me cringe. Urgh.


#2296

Fwiw (and it may be worth absolute jack shit), I know of plenty of qualified teachers who have gone into their first job since graduation and felt as though they are absolutely sinking in terms of classroom management early on.

Certainly in their worlds, experience has helped them as time has gone on.

You have my respect for doing it, btw, it’s something that would be way beyond me. I totally fail to control two kids, never mind 15-30.


#2297

This is for all of those with these kind of self-esteem issues but…

Do you find it reassuring when you meet someone who is absolutely wonderful or amazing at their job and then you find out they have exactly the same doubt and insecurity that you do? That most people actually feel the same, it’s not just you?

This has helped me to be more confident because I realised that there are no big secrets that other people know that I don’t. We’re all just winging it, even the people who know what they’re doing.

I wrote a story years ago and the main female character was based on the most beautiful girl that I ever knew. Years later, I got in touch with her through social media and mentioned this, and she told me that when I knew her she was suffering from all sorts of anxiety problems, agoraphobia and eating disorders, some days she could barely step outside. And yet I could not even speak to her because I thought she was too perfect. While this is enormously sad and makes me wish I spoke to her back in the day, it was also kind of reassuring. To this day if you asked me who is the most stunning woman you ever knew, she would immediately pop into my head and yet she could never conceive that someone could see her this way.


#2298

I agree, like completely. this is almost exactly the same as my thoughts and experiences.

like, I know people who are really cynical about “selfie culture”, but those threads have helped me so much.

a friend of mine from way back pointed out that until this last autumn, almost all my Fb profile pictures had been distant or obscured or something, never just me, my face, my hair, right there for all to see.

I actually feel like I have some kind of lasting self-esteem, even if it still comes and goes a bit :slight_smile:


#2299

I used to… adjust my eyebrows :’) being bullied made me hate my appearance, all the details… like, my chin, my nose, my eyebrows, the shape of my face, size of my head, everything.

like @jazzballet says about herself, I’ve accepted and embraced so much of myself that I used to be so harsh on myself for. and like you say, there’s something about natural photos… like, capturing yourself when you aren’t contorted by negative self-consciousness, too?

hah… I remember when I learnt that apparently big noses were popular. my nose isn’t even big, is the silly thing.

growing a beard has been so big for me. I know it’s something we joke about on here, but in my case it was huge in terms of… reclaiming a feature of my appearance on my own terms, an element of masculinity on my own terms. and it turned out I looked better with one than without?


#2300

aww… thanks, ccb ^ _ ^ that really means a lot to me

I totally agree with that sentiment. I feel like this is a safe and nurturing place, that we embrace the person in the photo, their personality. that this allows everyone to be more than just anonymous figments of the place, to open up and feel good about themselves in a safe community.


#2301

Yeah you’ve nailed it.

And yep I feel a lot more confident with a beard, in spite of being a massive cliché having one!


#2302

Same here although for different reasons.

It felt like I grew it more as some kind of a mask than anything else - but since I also look inifintely better with it than without, it’s staying.


#2303

If I could impart one bit of advice from 7+ years of freelance film industry work, working on everything from small-scale stuff right up to huge corporate and feature film productions, it’s that absolutely nobody has any idea what they’re doing. Everyone is bluffing, insecure, full of self-doubt, winging it. And I’d also wager that the people who acknowledge this the most usually get the best results - their knowledge of their fallibility allows them to take risks, and to work their socks off. People who perceive themselves as hotshots usually put in half a shift and have no idea how inept they appear to everyone else. I think this can be applied to almost any line of work. Basically, having the humility to be reluctant accepting praise and aware that you could be shit on any given day probably, in a weird paradox, gives you an edge.

Remember working for a DoP who pretty much confessed early on that he had no real idea what he was doing, which was pretty eye-opening and reassuring for me. Think he last worked on Blue Planet II.


#2304

Update: Relief - my next appointment has been put back a fortnight because my counsellor has had a bereavement. I’m going to try and give this a go over the weekend - still don’t hold out much hope of get much down, but you’ve all enouraged me into trying.

Thanks all who replied.


#2305

Absolutely completely agree. There are a few life lessons it’s taken me about 30 years to learn that can be boiled down to very simple concepts and I am completely bewildered as to why we were never told them at school. One is definitely: “Most people are incompetent. Everyone is winging it”.

Also could not agree more that people who think they’re great and forever praising themselves in public are the ones to watch out for. That would be another on my one page bullet points of life lessons for 15 year olds: “Anyone who has to remind you how intelligent they are, now rich they are, or how many people they’ve slept with, has none of those things (or at the very least is insecure that they don’t have enough)”


#2306

you may not even be a third the way through it

that’s all the time since birth multiplied by two left

that’s a lot

plenty of time to be discovered as the talent you are

go get it Bam!


#2307

I am going through the same process now, although in the (very) early stages. That’s really good to read, and I’m glad you’re finding it easier.