How's your depression?


#2408

I have really sunk down pretty low again after doing alright for a while. My last increase in dose of my anxiety meds in December seemed to have levelled me out somewhat, but there is too much going wrong at the moment and I can’t handle it.

Worst is my ex being a total nightmare again. He is asking for more contact with R despite frequently cancelling because of being ‘sick’, and I can’t explain my reasons for thinking it isn’t appropriate without him getting childish and abusive and bombarding me with really callous messages. The whole situation with how we broke up is still really traumatic for me and it is horrible still having to have any communication with him but I know that I have to do it for R. He never sticks to agreements we have made in mediation so we will probably have to end up going to court to sort out things and I am getting palpitations thinking about having to go through that, with him no doubt flinging a load of exaggerated and outright false claims to make out I am an unfit parent.

Argh, I am just ranting now, sorry… I won’t continue, but there are a bunch of other issues too that are overwhelming me and it is making me feel like I am going to implode in on myself, which in turn is making me want to self harm for some release but I know that I can’t do that.


#2409

It’s a period that will pass like periods have passed before.
You know the person and mother you are and no matter how much someone says something, you can be strong knowing it’s not true.

It sounds like a shit situation so it’s not surprising you’re feeling overwhelmed with it. But I’m sure you will get through it and feel free to vent all you want. You need to get it out sometimes and it’s 10x easier (for me and a lot of people) to say it out to us lot.


#2410

I’m currently in this situation cause I haven’t heard from my best friend all weekend. She’s read my msgs but isn’t responding and now I’m like WHAT HAVE I DONE/SAID. I know I won’t sleep tonight thinking about it and dwelling on it when the reality is she was probably just sleeping and in the cinema or whatever


#2411

It’s awful, isn’t it? There’s no way you can bring it up with the people in question without sounding batshit or them just laughing it. NO MATE, NO, RESPOND OR I’LL ACTUALLY BE SICK WITH WORRY.

Conversely I’m incredibly shit at replying to messages myself as that also makes me anxious.


#2412

Thanks Meo, I just seems like this is a period that can’t end anytime soon. R’s dad is still going to have to be part of our lives until R is an adult :frowning_face:


#2413

I know!! I do end up going down that route sometimes but luckily it doesn’t happen very often. It’s almost like dating??? Like when you get a new bloke and you’re like WHY ARENT THEY TEXTING ME and you check your phone constantly but it’s just a mate and all you were doing is chatting shit.


#2414

Yeah that sucks bad! I suppose all you can do is take each week at a time.

Make sure you’re trying to do some things for yourself to unwind. It must be hard to find time with a child.


#2415

Feeling like I am worthless, and that i have really squandered how privileged I have been in life. Currently unemployed and my parents are helping me a bit which they don’t mind (privilege). I need to get some structure back and get a job, basically.


#2416

I’m finding it very hard to keep my head above water at all. I still can’t move on from the one friend of mine and her presence in my life determining whether I am able to function or not, let alone feel happy.

I started the year resolving myself to move on completely. I deleted her number - a futile gesture because I could just go back on Instagram where she first gave it to me and get it back again at any time. I didn’t try and contact her at all.

then as soon as she contacted me again, I fell straight back in. I’d been stuck hoping she would anyway, but maybe if she hadn’t, I would have eventually moved beyond that phase of longing.

she actually kept in touch properly for a bit. popped up to chat three days in a row, then back again after a couple of days. I felt restored, lifted up off the ground. like she was making an effort to be in my life, like things mattered to her.

but it’s been the best part of a week since we last spoke, and she did the old [ask how I am / don’t reply], and I’m left wondering if I’ve put her off in some way.

and I just fall back into the same old longing, punctuated by my heart breaking all over again, whenever I see something of her and the guy she’s seeing on social media.

I know how unhealthy this is. I just don’t know how to move on. there’s nothing that makes me feel like she does when we’re talking.

we would have been hanging out this Saturday if she didn’t have to help with something that day. she also seems up for getting a drink and seeing a particular film this coming month, but I don’t know. seems more likely that she won’t have the time.

and if we do hang out, will I not just end up feeling broken up because I’m still stuck on the daydreams of last year? then, regardless of how it goes, how long will it be until I see her again afterwards?

I know the obvious answer is that I have to try making a clean break, but I just don’t think I have enough left to manage this. I feel like there are only a few leaves left on my tree. I’m clinging on to this because there is only a chasm there waiting if I let go.

p.s. please can somebody unban me? it’s incandenza (perhaps this is obvious).


#2417

Whoa you alright man? are you self banned or something else?


#2418

oh ffs @Parsefone don’t be such a child, people value this forum


#2419

Mate, I was in a similar situation to you but had to work 3 feet from her for 2 years. It nearly killed me. If she spoke to another guy, it wasn’t unknown for me to throw up at home. I used to think it was her fault and had this resentment about it. It was complete fantasy, and I’d created this insane situation from nothing, against my entire logic.

Somehow YouTube ended up on a video (from a guy who has fairly dubious views, I have to admit) talking about how you need to take responsibility for yourself and an play a victim all you want, but ultimately, no-one is going to change it but you. Struck a chord. 6/12/18 months ago, I’d have got angry at it, but it caught me at the right moment and I tried exceptionally hard to understand that whatever they were making me feeling was down to me, and it’s still isn’t it easy but I don’t walk home very night thinking of the least painful way to die.


#2420

that sounds slightly more like how I felt about a friend of mine back in university. lived with her for two years, which… yeah.

the thing that hurts this time is that it’s not complete fantasy. I’ve learnt from how I was with my uni friend, and just… well, I’m used to cutting through my own fantasies about things in life, and being brutally honest with myself, rather than feeling like I’m being wronged or anything.

it’s been horribly confusing, made me question everything about myself, and about what I think I know about her, our brief history. there’s been a lot of silence, which has resulted in my mind trying to fill the unknown with daydreams and rationalisations. you know how hope has a way of shifting the goalposts.

I wanted it to happen too much and put way too much pressure on a very new friendship. then clearly someone else swept in who was the right person at the right time.

when we saw each other last, she had a really good time. if we’d seen each other the couple of times mooted in summer, things might well have progressed differently. but that didn’t happen.

idk. sick of thinking/talking about it. just seems overwhelmingly impractical for her to be in my life rn, as much as she suggests she wants to be there. and even though I know I’ll be the best me around her, it isn’t going to somehow sway her from somebody she’s evidently falling in love with.

but like I said, it feels inveterate now. and I’d just end up feeling as dreadful as I did before I met her, if I lost that faint hope, as much as holding on to it is dragging me through the bushes, here.


#2421

I see. Best of luck with it all then.


#2422

Hey, I went through the exact same thing a couple years ago with a girl and it’s fucking rubbish but I promise you it will pass and you will feel better. Honestly it got to a point where I just had to go cold turkey for a few months until I felt comfortable around her/it not being a thing and it was super tough but we are good friends now without the bullshit


#2423

Yeah, I get this a lot.

I’d managed to get to a couple of social things in the past six weeks or so where usually I’d have cancelled a couple of days before hand because I couldn’t handle the anxiety. In the past, as soon as I’d cancelled, I’d turn my phone off to avoid any backlash (which never comes, tbh).

It was a real battle to get through that anxiety and to the social events, but in the end, I was pleased I’d managed to do it, it felt good and like I’d been able to break a cycle.

However, weekend after next, I have a stag weekend in York and my anxiety about it is off the charts. My friend, who will be the stag, understands depression, anxiety and all and bailed on one of his mates’ stag dos recently. I really don’t want to let him down, but some of the bantersaurus shit planned doesn’t sit well with me at all.

I guess I’ve just come to the conclusion that this is what life is going to be like for me in the coming years and I need to manage it as best I can. If I feel I need to bail on stuff because I can’t cope, then so be it. Sounds kind of selfish, but I need to to be honest with myself and others and put my own wellbeing top of the tree.

Being anxious about being anxious is a deadly cycle as well - it feeds into itself massively and just grows. I hear you, Scout, and hope things have improved since the other day for you.


#2424

Urgh. I’ve got to CBT day and still haven’t done those mood diaries :frowning:


#2425

Honestly, just tell your therapist you couldn’t do it because you couldn’t decipher your mood through the fog of numbness. (If that’s what you were finding, of course). No harm in doing that at all - it’s all part of the illness.

Hope the session goes well…x


#2426

just a quick thank you to everyone in here for being so nice and understanding to each other and sorry I haven’t really felt up to helping out much.


#2427

you don’t need to apologise bam
we all ebb and flow on what we can give and receive