Yeah its difficult as Im working a deadline for this evening. Probably gonna have to stay late.
Lol obviously I just went home and didnt do this thing
hope you’re feeling ok - but be careful! 40mg isn’t a starting dose of citalopram. that shit sent me nuts, these drugs aren’t there to be fucked around with (not saying you are, just want you to be ok).
Yeah I was on 20mg before
Last time I posted in here about myself, things felt relatively positive.
However, last night I barely slept, my mind was a whirl of anxieties and unhealthy self-hatred. This morning whilst waiting for my train, I wondered what it would feel like to step out in front of a fast one passing through the station. It wasn’t a seriously suicidal thought, although I did acknowledge just how simple a task it would be - particularly if I had music on and was in that little bubble - just more out of idle curiousity of how to stop this maelstrom of negative and painful thoughts in my head. However, on one occasion in the past, something similar (thinking about how easy it’d be to drive really fast down the car-park ramp at work and into the wall Duke’s of Hazard style, only with bad consequences) snowballed quickly into me writing a note explaining why I was about to do it. Thankfully, the note was never finished… I know I need to nip this in the bud quickly though.
So, whilst spending today trying not to put myself under pressure to get back into that positive headspace and berating myself for slipping backwards - acknowledging that it’s all part of the cycle and illness but man, it’s fucking tough.
Additionally, I’m supposed to be at ATD’s stag weekend in York, but having seen the itinerary and fact that there’s a ‘punishment’ fund being set up for the stag, my anxieties about being in a large group (there’s 20 plus of us) of guys are throbbing like a cartoon thumb that’s just been hit with a hammer. I don’t know most of them, and although we’re all in our mid-30s and should be fairly sensible, the idea of being part of a huge bantersaurus group is really - well, for want of a better phrase - scaring me shitless. I feel absolutely wretched and selfish and shitty for doing it, but I’m going to have to bail on it. I don’t mind losing the £90 for the hotel room, but I simply can’t face going.
I totally realise those guys I do know aren’t gonna understand and will chalk it down to me just being an anti-social bore, but the ATD experiences anxiety and depression a lot as well so I’m hopeful he’ll understand… I wish I could cope with things like this, and I thought I was going to be okay with it - but I don’t do well in groups of people I don’t know and where the overt intention is for BANTZ.
This is just me unloading my angst as I don’t have anywhere else for it at the moment.
Thankfully I have a couple of days off later this week and the beginning of next week, so am going to go off and find some good headspace places for me - back to the seaside somewhere, perhaps. To an aircraft museum maybe. Be under my own steam, answerable to no-one, with no-one having any expectations of me.
This thread is such a god-send. Thanks, Bammers, for setting it up.
It’s hard not to want to kick your own arse when bailing on events and tell yourself that normal people are able to do this but that sounds like hell to me even on my very best mental health day. If you’re under the cloud then going will undoubtedly end up being bad for you. If your ATD will understand then that’s all you need to concern yourself with - maybe take him out for a drink and dinner or something either one on one or in a smaller, more like-minded group instead? I’m sure he won’t mind having a bonus stag do (especially if you’re paying!)
It sounds like you’re doing the right thing by acknowledging your suicidal thoughts, however upsetting that is. I had something of a plan going through my mind over the new year, which is troubling to acknowledge to say the least. It’s fucking tough work dealing with unwanted thoughts and remembering that they’ll pass. This thread is really useful for that though - I find sometimes just writing them down is helpful.
Thanks CH… That’s pretty much what I was thinking about the stag weekend - I need to look after myself rather than putting myself out for him and really falling under a big boulder during the weekend sometime.
He’s a really good bloke and I think he had to bail on a stag do last year for similar reasons, so am sure he’ll understand. Was thinking of offering to take him out for a drink a few weeks later instead.
Just getting some of those thoughts out onto the screen has already helped - they’re no longer just swimming in the whirlpool of my mind and I can begin to focus elsewhere for a bit. As I said before, this is an amazing thread.
UGH things suck right now. I’m completely uninspired/unmotivated to do anything creative or social (and when I did last night it just left me feeling awkward and stupid) and new job/uni/writing is causing me serious anxiety and what the fuck am I doing in Germany anyway and ughhhhhj
Man - if I know ATD the way I think I do, he’ll be disappointed, but he’ll absolutely understand that you need to do what’s best for you (I think you hint at already knowing this, but just to confirm). As for the others you know - whether they think it’s just you being anti-social or not is probably not something you should concern yourself with for now. Ultimately, your MH is the most important thing here.
As CH says, I’d suggest going out for drinks just the two of you closer to the wedding instead - maybe take in some cricket together if it’s later in the year or a neutral non-league game. Something you’ll both be comfortable in your own skin with and no danger of bants.
Can talk more later if you feel like it might help x
Hey Severed - Really sorry to hear the anxiety is back. I know it’s probably no comfort right now, but I think moving to Germany was a big move to make given your mental health and I think you probably need to cut yourself a bit of slack on that particular front; from the outside you seem to have made big strides towards making that work and appear to be in a much better place then when you were agonising over whether to go or not in the first place.
It will definitely get better, but I really hope for you it passes soon. x
Yeah if friends are friends like they say they are then of course they’ll be sad @he_2 is not able to go but will completely understand. That’s what friends do.
If the rest of them can’t understand that a stag do reeeeally might not be the best place for someone going through a mental health flare up to be then I simply despair. Most people are reasonable and kind though, remember that.
Thanks mate. Much appreciated.
Tbh, from what he’s intimated a few weeks ago I think he’s a bit anxious about it all as well. Gonna give him a ring tomorrow and talk it over,
Aye, I know the feeling. Tbh, from experience of those I’ve been on, the bark tends to be worse than the bite in terms of “bants”, although it does depend very much on how bad the ringleaders of the group are, and if ATD has a decent number people you don’t know then it’s obviously difficult to tell. Keeping yours to a small group was probably one of the best moves you could have made in that respect.
Huge thanks to everyone who offered advice about my situation. The fact that so many people cared enough to reply in itself helped, but to get so much positive advice has helped immensely and really focussed my mind.
Having thought about it and nothing else for a couple of days i decided to accept the redundancy. You’re all right, it’s not worth stress. I’ve not been myself for months and dread going in every day. My priority has to be getting better and then finding something more suitable.
Thankfully they agreed to increase the severence pay which should cover me for a few more weeks. It was all quite cordial, really. Ideally i would have preferred to stay with the issues being fully resolved, but short of that i suspect it’s the best option.
@Antpocalypsenow The field i’ve been working in is so general than jobsearches are pretty much an open book. I’m taking this as a positive rather than a negative, and the skills i’ve picked up at this place should be transferable to lots of things. Thanks for your encouraging words.
@iamwiggy It’s mad how much stress we put up with to pay our bills sometimes, isn’t it. As soon as you take a step back you see it. I was spending a third of my week at work and about a third sleeping. The hours in between were largely spent worrying about work. It’s silly, especially if it’s a moderately-paid entry level job. Thanks, bud.
@Im_On_Safari You’re 100% right about environment. In hindsight, i’d have taken a quarter or even a third less pay for the issues to go away. It wears you out. I was literally waking up at 3am/4am worrying about work and going in anticipating problems. Nice to talk to you outside of the silliness of the football threads.
@navajo Do think it’s about ‘rebalancing’ to a large degree, yeah. Remembering what’s important. Simple things like seeing family and friends more, doing things you enjoy, exercising, blowing away the negative thoughts. It’s gotten a bit manic, truth be told. Constant worry. Thank-you.
@colinzealuk Unfortunately the arrangement was quite informal. There was a short notice period but to be fair i had already exhausted this in extra sick pay, but as above they did agree to a bigger redundency which would have exceeded that. Appreciate your help.
@DarwinBabe I wasn’t being dismissed as such. There was a job still there for me, but the issues weren’t going to go away as the colleagues causing the problems weren’t going to be dismissed. I had no proof of gross misconduct. Other workmates seconded my issues with performance and workload, but not the other bits. I could have returned to work, but felt i couldn’t. They offered me the redundency as another option. Initially i thought it was a terrible idea, but the advice on here and from a couple of friends provided more balance. Sadly, despite being a vocal leftie i’ve never joined a union. I will be next time. Take care of yourself, mate.
@andyvine Cheers, buddy. Thankfully they seemed open to the idea of a increasing the redundancy, so it should cover me for a few more weeks.
@UnicornPorn Thanks for your valuable advice. I’ve spoke to ACAS before about an issue i had at a job some time ago (a place i was working for did a flit and there was outstanding pay and holidays). They proved a real help, as you have here. As above, it was a tricky situation in that i wasn’t being sacked or forced out, and essentially it was a matter of issues between colleagues where claims of gross misconduct couldn’t be proven. Issues didn’t get properly resolved and it caused serious stress, but in many other ways they were very good. They were very flexible regards time off and followed the right protocols addressing issues, but in truth one or two colleagues were total nightmares and whilst it was a bit alien to me that those people stayed in jobs my bosses were quite sympathetic and were under no real pressure to pay me anything.
@Songs_about_ducking You’re absolutely right. I think i was quite good at my job, and probably well within my comfort zone. In the cold light of day i’ve lost a bit of structure and potentially some money down the line, but in return for that less stress, hopefully progress with my physical symptoms, and at some point a job that’s more challenging and without the silly nonsense. Much appreciate your input.
Thanks again to all of you. These boards, particularly this thread has provided a lot of help to a lot of people. You’re a GBoL&L. Take care.
Nice one pal. Sounds like a very positive step imo
I didn’t have any advice to offer you before, but I read through and I just wanted to say that you have done really well to go ahead and make a decision considering the position of stress you were in. Big decisions are difficult enough when you are in a good place with mental health, but to be able to make such a considered choice when you aren’t at your best is really laudable. I hope that you get a good rest to look after your health before you get back into work
bad health anxiety has been sucking the life out of me for over a year now. i can’t write it off as ‘just’ anxiety because physical symptoms/(big) risk factors are there and no-one’s immune to getting bad shit. just googled assisted suicide abroad for some ‘reassurance’ should the worst happen.
I think you should go, these things always feel so much worse thinking about them before actually doing it. The fact there are so many people actually could make it better - easier to bail and go to bed early saying you’re tired, or to nip out for a bit if it’s overwhelming. It’s great that your friend understands, hopefully that could make it easier too. Of course whatever you feel is best for your mh is most important, but so many things i dreaded turned out pretty great and the anxieties were unfounded - it’s sometimes so easy to build it up and make it worse than it could be if that makes sense? Either way hope you get back to the good place you were at soon!
Really pleased to hear you’ve managed to come to a decision mate and also that they’ve willing to be accomodating about it as well. Hope it eases things in the near future and you manage to find a workplace that works better for you soon. In the meantime, you know where we all are
Sad to hear. What a sort of physical symptoms are you having? Feel free to not say, obviously, or chat via PM if that’s preferable.