I feel ashamed coming in here and just talking about my own struggles and not helping other people. I think I’m a bit useless at the moment, really.
I really do appreciate any responses to my ramblings, though.
hard to explain how I’m feeling right now. like, in science, my brain has felt utterly… I don’t even know. it’s in such a state of disrepair that I can hardly articulate anything, or process anything. or do anything.
I have still been swinging from feeling briefly okay to feeling abject with such frequency that I’m just totally exhausted. when I briefly feel okay, I feel somewhat functional. but even then, I don’t necessarily feel good. at times, I’ve felt the grip of that kind of… general anxious state, the tight-chested, unresponsive kind of feeling.
it’s tied into my self-image, self-esteem. I just don’t have any solid ground, any consistency at all. the positive ideas I have had of myself seem entirely dependendent on other people.
my weekend was really good in part, but then I spent most of it being social. it allowed me to find my feet, to define myself in a positive way. to work out the wrinkles, at least temporarily. to practice being whoever or whatever I am. there were things that set me off balance again, but at times I felt good to be me.
a few things caused me to fall back into the neurotic, unreal miasma that I am so prone to right now, but it’s so hard not to be succeptible to that when I am back at home.
I had perhaps my most positive feeling on Saturday morning, at my friends’ house, where I considered the thing that has been occupying me the most, and I felt completely okay about it, about that person, and about myself. the problem is that even feeling good ends up with me see-sawing into daydream, fantasy.
and in the last few days, my brain has been especially foggy as a result. I’d like to read some books, play some guitar, do something, anything constructive, but without other people to distract me, I just can’t snap out of it.
hasn’t helped that I’ve had no data and no way to really talk casually to any of my friends, I suppose.