How's your depression?


#2568

Thanks JB, you make some really good points, many of which I have considered in depth tbh. In the end I have spoken to my friend and told him I don’t feel able to attend. He has been super understanding and supportive, and we are meeting for a drink in a couple of weeks.

The amount of agonising that had gone into making this decision has been huge, but ultimately I think it’s the right one. The chances are things would be fine if I did go, but I can’t take the risk of feeling totally out of my depth and falling apart.

Thanks for your reply and input, it is hugely appreciated.

Really hope things are okay with your eyes now.


#2569

nice one!

after your subconscious fully takes in the fact that you’re not returning… you may find yourself feeling better much faster than you expect. clearly time off work for stress is necessary but i think people probably only fully recover once they truly believe at a deep level that the period of stress has actually gone away and isn’t coming back. that might only happen either after leaving the job or after they’ve been well enough to return and see how things are different

(…i should say that while like anyone i have been stressed in jobs, i’ve been nowhere near the level of needing time off so i’m just guessing here)

plenty of reasons to be positive in career terms too: you’re clearly confident that you were able to do the job well, the skills are transferable and reason for leaving on the ol’ CV is that you were made redundant

keep us up to date when appropriate :slight_smile:


#2570

Mate, I didn’t get a chance to reply to the original post, but I really think this is the best possible step you could have taken.

Having been in a role that was oppressive and made me miserable as sin (in fact, suicidal), getting out of there and finding a fresh start in a new environment was the best thing I could have done.

I truly hope this all works out for you, helps you to lift yourself mentally and find something infinitely better for yourself.

Good luck with it, man.


#2571

#2572

I don’t think people on here recognise it often enough but you are a wonderful person. I really hope for the best for you.


#2573

Sorry that sounded like a pure backhanded compliment but I meant you are great and just felt like pointing it out.


#2574

I feel ashamed coming in here and just talking about my own struggles and not helping other people. I think I’m a bit useless at the moment, really.

I really do appreciate any responses to my ramblings, though.

hard to explain how I’m feeling right now. like, in science, my brain has felt utterly… I don’t even know. it’s in such a state of disrepair that I can hardly articulate anything, or process anything. or do anything.

I have still been swinging from feeling briefly okay to feeling abject with such frequency that I’m just totally exhausted. when I briefly feel okay, I feel somewhat functional. but even then, I don’t necessarily feel good. at times, I’ve felt the grip of that kind of… general anxious state, the tight-chested, unresponsive kind of feeling.

it’s tied into my self-image, self-esteem. I just don’t have any solid ground, any consistency at all. the positive ideas I have had of myself seem entirely dependendent on other people.

my weekend was really good in part, but then I spent most of it being social. it allowed me to find my feet, to define myself in a positive way. to work out the wrinkles, at least temporarily. to practice being whoever or whatever I am. there were things that set me off balance again, but at times I felt good to be me.

a few things caused me to fall back into the neurotic, unreal miasma that I am so prone to right now, but it’s so hard not to be succeptible to that when I am back at home.

I had perhaps my most positive feeling on Saturday morning, at my friends’ house, where I considered the thing that has been occupying me the most, and I felt completely okay about it, about that person, and about myself. the problem is that even feeling good ends up with me see-sawing into daydream, fantasy.

and in the last few days, my brain has been especially foggy as a result. I’d like to read some books, play some guitar, do something, anything constructive, but without other people to distract me, I just can’t snap out of it.

hasn’t helped that I’ve had no data and no way to really talk casually to any of my friends, I suppose.


#2575

Stress has given me tonsillitis. This means I can’t exercise which is my outlet.

Trying to hold it together for the time being!!


#2576

Hey mate, difficult to control I know, but the last thing you should feel is guilt for using this thread and not contributing back… It’s what we’re all here for. x


#2577

Big hugs Meo. Try and remember you got through a period of not being able to exercise last year, so you’ll no doubt be able to do it again and that first session back at the gym or out on the roads will feel all the better for it!


#2578

ahhhh. been having a bit of suicidal ideation.

normally drive into work with my dad &or a mate and have a good chat and listen to music, i’ve been working alone for a couple of weeks and the drive has become this weird ordeal for some reason. feel very aware of/outside my body and incredibly anxious, you know that feeling where the world seems to have a claustrophobic & dead audio space like it’s been snowing, and your voice sounds dead in your ears? i don’t know if that’s something other people get with anxiety.

anyway, my brain keeps suggesting i should drive in to the central reservation or into a pillar of the m56 bridge. don’t plan on doing it but he_2 talking about similar stuff up there reminded me it might be good to get that written down.

when i get back home i can disassociate, watch shit telly or whatever but those two hours a day in the car are a fucking nightmare atm. x


#2579

Sounds awful :frowning:

Just a thought, but have you considered giving podcasts in the car a go? If you can find something just distracting enough it might manage to steer your mind away from some of what you’re feeling with and keep you slightly more associated with yourself/in your body mentally?


#2580

Thanks love! I needed that reminder x


#2581

cheers bud. yeah, i did try that, didn’t really work & was flicking through my podcast app on the motorway. ended up texting people in order to get out of my head, which is out of order obviously. had to shut my phone in the glove compartment to stop that temptation.

idk if spending so much time deliberately distracting myself when i have the opportunity out of the car is making that time when i’m trapped all the worse. weird though, i usually really like driving.


#2582

Motorway driving can be pretty monotonous though - at least it goes that way for me. Is there some kind of date where you’ll be able to have people on the commute again that you can at least try and look forward to, or is this a longer term/indeterminate thing?


#2583

Suicide

had quite a few points last week when I seriously considered ending it. like considering where to do it and what I would write and who to. still feel pretty miserable but very glad this didn’t develop. this place is so supportive and it really really helped me survive last week


#2584

i’ve definitely got another couple of weeks but it’s unlikely to be very long after that, fingers crossed. might try having my mam give me a ring and chat nonsense for 10 minutes for the way home at least.

so strange how new triggers just pop up out of nowhere.


#2585

shit, liking that post is pretty inappropriate eh. - i’m sorry it’s got to that point for you & happy it didn’t go any further. hope things get better mate.


#2586

I get this feeling very strongly with anxiety. I have been experiencing it quite acutely today actually. The claustrophobic aspect of it especially.


#2587

CW/TW: self-harm Suicidal ideation hasn’t been a thing for me yet in this latest depressive episode, but I am struggling badly with thoughts of self-harm. The impulse seems near ever present, the thoughts are so invasive, graphic. Thinking about cutting is the only thing that snaps me out of the anxious depersonalised state, the idea of that feeling and the tangible, visceral, real sensation. I know it is such a selfish impulse and I cannot allow myself to do it, as I know it would easily get out of hand. I don’t know how to channel the feeling in a way that isn’t so self-destructive though and it is getting so hard to bear it, I desperately want some kind of release.