Is there any gentler exercise you could adopt when you are ill, or would that not quite do what you need it to?
Czuk already covered this, but to re-enforce the point: you don’t have to feel ashamed for that. You might not feel like you have anything to respond, but that is ok - some other time you might, and besides that just sharing things can help people by making them feel less alone if they read something in your post which chimes with them, or your contributions and the courage it takes to put your thoughts and feelings out there can help other people to feel able to share. Personally I have always found your openness and honesty reassuring and heartening, something that gives me strength to aim for the same.
fucker innit mate. very enfeebling feeling, like being a step between in a dream and awake. always end up screaming and shouting to try to ward it off somehow.
i really hope you can get some relief from what you’re going through, you seem like a lovely person. wish i had some advice for coping mechanisms but mine are all terrible tbh. x
Thanks, and right back at you - you seem great and I hope you can get to feeling better soon x
when I’ve been low, I have been thinking about suicide again, so I’m there with you in that struggle. the other day I was so bad, I actually felt impulses towards self-harm.
I don’t know if I need to spoiler this or not, but I feel I need to as a buffer for myself in terms of talking about this: I have never cut myself or anything,
but in the worst episodes of self-loathing/body dysmorphia, I have had a tendency (ever since I left school and started being more aware of my appearance) to hit myself? hard to describe; it’s like I’ll be looking in the mirror, trying to make myself look less awful, or checking how I look out of fear I look awful, and I’ll feel so bad about how I look, I’ll be overcome by the feelings of hatred towards myself, and hit myself a few times in the face. hard. it sounds ridiculous to describe, but I guess it’s borne of the nastiness I had to endure in school towards me, based on, among other things, my appearance.
idk if anyone else can relate to that
*sorry about the messy formatting - having to have a spoilered section all in one para is stupid, huh.
I think I will be able to do some kind of yoga or something at the weekend! I was holding a carrier bag yesterday that had something light in and even that was making my whole arm ache
Hope you’re doing as best as you can at the moment. I know you’re going through a lot and it sounds so hard. I have much love for you and wish I could give you a big squeeze! x
today in therapy I learnt I find it impossible to be proud of myself or reward/compliment myself for positive things… so yep.
Hopefully knowing that is the first part of getting past it mate. I think a lot of us in this thread find it hard, especially when going through a depressive cycle.
Well it’s back again. Dunno what more to say really. Thought there was quite a lot of accuracy in this except it also applies to feeling suicidal in your 20s and now facing your 30s:
Really late to this but please don’t ever feel embarrassed to admit a crisis of faith or whatever, I’m very much in the “whatever works for you” camp, at most I’m a soft atheist, and I’d guess almost everyone on here feels the same. As someone who used to be a fairly firm believer, I know it can feel like missing a limb or something when that sense of faith disappears. I hope you are finding some meaning either way.
<3 the duv.
I do find that very relatable. [blurred because self harm heavy content]
It is a strange thing really, I think maybe because it does seem difficult to describe it without thinking it sounds ridiculous, it is easy to dismiss it as not self harm or not something that needs mentioning. I will pretty much never mention it at mh appointments that I hit myself, or I will skirt around it so awkwardly. For me it is a reactionary thing, something that can happen with a really acute wave of self-hatred, or when I am having a meltdown or sensory overload. Cutting (which I haven’t done in many years) is more of a pre-meditated thing with me, and in my brain I think if it with the language of it being an addiction: in that if I start it, the behaviour has to escalate to continue having the same effect; also, it feels like it is a lifetime thing so I am currently a ‘recovering’ cutter about six years ‘clean’, but I really feel in such a fragile state that I could relapse so easily right now.
It feels that the only thing that keeps me from that stuff is knowing that I really don’t matter in any of this, my needs/wants go behind those of others, primarily R of course. Problem is that I know I will collapse under the weight of this responsibility because knowing I don’t matter is making me into a brittle shell of a person.
Sorry, I have gone on about me far too much. I really wish I could help you figure things out x
feeling pretty fraught just now. I’m very glad to hear from you on this.
it is just as you say; it’s a sudden thing, an acute peak of self-hatred.
and funny you should say the thing that is on your mind is pre-meditated; I was, regretably, contemplating that earlier. idk why. it seemed like something that could be cathartic. I don’t even know why it seemed cathartic to me in that moment.
I wish it were easier to not want, not desire so much. I feel like it would make life so much easier. but as you say, it makes for a very brittle existence. you need to feel good about yourself to hold the ceiling up, keep from folding. xx
Really tired of (trying to) manage my anxiety on a daily basis. It’s fucking exhausting. And I’m backsliding on how well I’m coping with more intense anxiety-inducing situations, maybe because I’m not really lowering my baseline levels of anxiety and so is not taking much to tip me into the unmanageable zone.
Just want a fucking break from my brain for a couple of days ffs.
Have spent about six hours working on a job application today. On top of all of last Friday when I was working from home, and three evenings this wek. I sent my text to my line manager the otehr dayand she sent it back with (a) changes that frankly grossly inflated my role in things, which I’ve basically all deleted, and (b) comments like “you should explain more about your role here and what you achieved”, and it’s… like… I’m a junior member of staff. I’m at a grade the department doesn’t generally use, one below anyone else that works there. I literally just turned up and did what I was told.
Like, I get that I probably have ‘’’’‘achieved’’’’’ some things in the last year, and that a lot of this is because of my really bad issues with poor self-esteem and self-worth that I don’t deal with because the fun of having low self-worth is that you don’t take anything about yourself seriously because… why would you? And I get that she was trying to be helpful, but it’s just made me feel substantially worse about the whole thing to the extent that I don’t think I can submit it anymore.
Anyway, needless to say, this is not how I wanted my Saturday to turn out
sorry you’re having a rough time beliving in yourself guntrip! You’re great and we all love you. It’s tough having low self-esteem I can empathise there I’ve pretty much avoided doing anything with my life because I’m sure I’d be terrible at it.
Still it’s good that you are working on getting a better job that will hopefully help you feel better about yourself, that’s a positive step and you should be proud that you are managing it!
Hope you are feeling better today Epimer! Anxiety is really the most draining thing to deal with, sorry I can’t help much beyond wishing you a better time with your mental health
Wouldnt say Im depressed but my gosh I feel low about myself
you’re a top man and hope you feel better soon