So I'm still off work. Don't even know how I feel now. Mainly cowed and a bit broken. Community team are booking me in for more appointments with them and I have another GP appointment on Wednesday. The wheel is gradually beginning to roll, etc. I don't feel any better or worse. Mainly empty, used up, with an overwhelming sense that time has passed me by completely and it's too late to get out of this hole I'm in, or even begin to try. Truly adrift, a feeling only made worse whenever I go out and see everyone else with youth and beauty on their side. The panic attacks are still coming on every so often, though not as intensely, but mainly I wake up every day honestly wondering what the point of it all is right now. Somehow feels worse being so aware of how cliched a feeling that is.
Apparently I was supposed to go into work last Wednesday for a meeting just to touch base and whatever; I got a letter on Friday dated the 22nd December saying as much, and now I'm absolutely bricking it. I just had my phone fixed too and there are loads of progressively angrier voicemails from my boss spanning Wednesday to Thursday last week. I either totally forgot we'd arranged this meeting or my boss is mistaken when she says we agreed to it on the phone just before Christmas. I haven't spoken to her yet and I'm dreading it.
Here's the thing though: I had a community mental health appointment on Wednesday last week, and we booked that 2 weeks before Christmas, so how come I remembered that but apparently forgot the work one, which was booked the week after? This is why I think work are chatting shit frankly.
IDK mates, I honestly can't face going back to that job, which I know is a lame thing to say but one that's true. I know it intensified a lot of bad feelings I already had, and the thought of spending my days in that environment, doing work I hate for shit money...I can feel my chest tightening as I type this. Yet the alternative is to quit and look for another job, which will likely turn out to be either shit, temporary and low-paying or shit and low-paying. And who knows how long I might be on the scratch before I find work?
WRT the GP appointment on Wednesday coming, my doc is aware of the work situation, as is the community team, but I can feel a subtle increase in pressure on their parts to return now. Like, "You've had enough time away so you are cured"-type pressure. I honestly don't even feel like arguing with them.
Every option feels like a bad one.