How's your depression?


#345

It differs wildly from person to person but just take extra care of yourself for the first week or so. If it doesn't work out or makes you feel terrible, don't be reluctant to go back and try something else. Good luck with it.


#346

So I'm still off work. Don't even know how I feel now. Mainly cowed and a bit broken. Community team are booking me in for more appointments with them and I have another GP appointment on Wednesday. The wheel is gradually beginning to roll, etc. I don't feel any better or worse. Mainly empty, used up, with an overwhelming sense that time has passed me by completely and it's too late to get out of this hole I'm in, or even begin to try. Truly adrift, a feeling only made worse whenever I go out and see everyone else with youth and beauty on their side. The panic attacks are still coming on every so often, though not as intensely, but mainly I wake up every day honestly wondering what the point of it all is right now. Somehow feels worse being so aware of how cliched a feeling that is.

Apparently I was supposed to go into work last Wednesday for a meeting just to touch base and whatever; I got a letter on Friday dated the 22nd December saying as much, and now I'm absolutely bricking it. I just had my phone fixed too and there are loads of progressively angrier voicemails from my boss spanning Wednesday to Thursday last week. I either totally forgot we'd arranged this meeting or my boss is mistaken when she says we agreed to it on the phone just before Christmas. I haven't spoken to her yet and I'm dreading it.

Here's the thing though: I had a community mental health appointment on Wednesday last week, and we booked that 2 weeks before Christmas, so how come I remembered that but apparently forgot the work one, which was booked the week after? This is why I think work are chatting shit frankly.

IDK mates, I honestly can't face going back to that job, which I know is a lame thing to say but one that's true. I know it intensified a lot of bad feelings I already had, and the thought of spending my days in that environment, doing work I hate for shit money...I can feel my chest tightening as I type this. Yet the alternative is to quit and look for another job, which will likely turn out to be either shit, temporary and low-paying or shit and low-paying. And who knows how long I might be on the scratch before I find work?

WRT the GP appointment on Wednesday coming, my doc is aware of the work situation, as is the community team, but I can feel a subtle increase in pressure on their parts to return now. Like, "You've had enough time away so you are cured"-type pressure. I honestly don't even feel like arguing with them.

Every option feels like a bad one.


#347

hi blueturtle!

I hope typing all of this out at least made you feel a little better.

Don't blame yourself or consider yourself a failure for having difficult mental health issues, I'm sure you didn't ask for them!

What kind of work were you doing? Not every low paying job is shit.

How about your hobbies, is there anything outside of work you can do to help your fulfilment and peace of mind?

Hope you've coped ok with your day and thanks for posting x


#348

try not to worry about work, if they get angry that is totally inappropriate of them and not your problem, take as much time as you need


#349

Genuinely feel like I might have made a breakthrough with this business.

My new counsellor said yesterday that she felt like my problems aren't something I can disentangle by thinking about them.

At first I was horrified but as the day went on I began to realise this might be quite profound and strangely freeing.

I've spent about three years now trying to understand and rationalise the conflicting thoughts and emotions I've been left with following an all-consuming relationship. I've been obsessed with the notion that only by understanding it all could I rise above it and ultimately stop the sadness.

But now I think I know that it doesn't matter why I feel these things anymore. That for the time being (and maybe for a long time to come) I will continue to feel them and no amount of understanding or self-knowledge will change that.

I've realised that maybe I can deal with each trigger and wave of sadness that follows it by concentrating on the physical response not by dwelling on the far too complicated mess of thoughts and feelings. And as a result I already feel a bit better.

Now to work on what kinds of routines and activities I can develop when the triggers hit me.


#350

Pretty bad at the moment. Awful start to the year.

I've been feeling really inferior and worthless recently.

It's an irrational self-esteem/jealousy issue. And I know it's really stupid and selfish.

I've basically spent a long time assuming things were (on track of) going well for me, now I realise that isn't quite so and I've been deluded for a long time.


#351

this sounds very wise


#352

It does, doesn't it?

I'm feeling slightly cautious but I think it could be the most important breakthrough I've had.


#353

Really struggling right now. Not been sleeping for several nights, and spent all night thinking how much better it would be if I didn't wake up.

Don't really know what to do about any of it but it all feels really hopeless at the moment and I generally feel like giving up.


#354

Sorry to hear that mate. It's horrible when things are like that especially with sleeping problems, I can relate. What's your before-bed routine like? Having a good one in place might help e.g. start reading a book chapter at 10, brush teeth, listen to an album and focus on it, lights out. Something non-phone related and obviously very easy going. Considering you find the thought of waking up difficult too, I'd recommend that if you're also able to do it, you get a treat ready for in the morning. It's generally grim at this time of the year, but setting the time aside to have a warm pastry/fruity smoothy or even a quiet sit and a cigarette can help I found.

I know you might not be able to change your evening/morning routine in such a way, but hang in there - sends hug.


#355

I've been on Sertraline for the anxiety and depression about 4 weeks. Think it's working pretty good. It's not like switching from night and day, still getting a bit of anxiety - but it seems to have leveled me out some.

Still feeling a bit flat at times - but I think that is down to more "normal" Jan/ Feb blues/ shit weather/ having a cold etc


#356

^this @elthamsmateowen

After suffering from insomnia for about 18 months, I am fully aware of the cycle you can get in with lack of sleep. I had a few bad days last week and it sent me into a total spiral where I felt like I was looking into a black hole I'd never get out of. But trust me, it will pass. Once you get that sleep in, you'll start to slowly feel a little better and have a bit more positivity. I fully understand what you're feeling and it will definitely be ok.

I would agree 100% with Otto about a pre-bed time routine. I'm a firm believer in sleep hygiene being a massive part of my life.
I recently got myself an aromatherapy diffuser with some lavender oil. I now put that on whilst i'm cleaning my teeth and getting myself ready for bed and the room smells nicely of lavender. It also has like a little trickly water sound which is relaxing. I then read with that on. I don't wake up in the night like that now but if i stay on my phone or watch tv in bed, i'll wake up.


#357

@meowington

Thanks both. I try to have a bit of a routine and I've suffered in the past but now rather than general anxiety and depression it's much more 'active' if that makes sense, in that in the past it was always a numb kind of sleeplessness, whereas now it's active thinking and dark thoughts that while I've had them plenty in the past, has started to become pretty non stop and occupy my mind during any downtime.


#358

Today has been the worst day in quite a while. Back on the dole which never helps but my social life has been good so it feels somewhat irrational. Been on a drinking run lately and my room is a mess. Felt awful and lathargic all day. It's a general pessimism. A fatalistic disposition to how things are going and the reality of work.

Sent loads of emails to uni professors asking questions about thier course (Master application maybe) as well as some volunteer posts and no one has replied back which is a little annoying.

Tommorow I must clean me room and the dirty clothes a piling up and I will have to take them to a launderette (no washing machine my flat)


#359

Yeah same or it was until I started drinking heavily again. I might need a bigger dose as it's quite low atm. But first I will try to stay off the alcohol and see if it improves


#360

had a few panic attacks at work recently. suffered from them during my final year at uni quite a bit, but I thought I was over it, really. its been four years since the last one, and I feel pretty shit about having them again tbh. had one today in a meeting and I think I got away with no one noticing (lots of people in the room and was able to just ride it out praying no one would say anything to me).


#361

i'm due back at work tomorrow. occupational health made me stay off longer than i would've liked to but i have to admit i didn't protest much as i hate my job. only really going back because i'm getting close to the drop in sick pay. i honestly can't face it - i'm on medication, getting therapy, but i know the job itself is causing a lot of stress and the idea of just sitting there doing nothing all day long tomorrow is torture (long story but more of our role has been farmed out to other departments and now there's barely anything to do). i've been off so long i know it will be ages until another employer will even look at an application i make. really feel like just quitting and going on the scratch. probably would if not for bills and rent. feel old and without any direction, really don't know what to do with my life and feel like time has run out to decide anyway.


#362

yeah - probably a good idea.

I'm still having the occasional drink but trying to limit it a bit.


#363

Yeah got pretty drunk tonight too. Got some job applications done then got drunk at a bar. Worse there was a girl I have previously had a fling with. She ignored me till I said hi and was perfectly pleasent then after. Still felt really fucking shit though. Despite currently having a lovely girlfriend and really not wanting to go back to thise days.

Honestly I think a lot of my drinking is a childish reaction to the fact that everyone is growing up and some are getting decent jobs. The fact that I now have few people to go out with till 6 in the morning. How all my mates that I used to take drugs with are now tee total exercise freaks.

I'm scared of this stability. I really am. I'm scared of getting a good job that will commit me to a place. I'm scared of my lovely relationship as there is nothing wrong with it and I'm scared of getting stuck. Ultimately my issue is why when my circumstance is so good do I feel so shit? Why am I nostalgic for hedonistic nights when in the past they mostly just made me feel lonely?

I know that my mental health is not a rational body but previously I had always something to hope for. Someway to improve my situation. Right now I should like my situation, I've got what I wanted. So why do I still feel crap?

Obviously cause it's because the things that make me feel shit are inherent and stem from myself and past. They are not situational. But I have very little false hope to cling onto now and I just want to get recked atm.


#364

Finally signed up with a new doctors surgery. Now I'll play GP roulette and hope they're decent with mental health issues. I've working on the theory that the anti-depressants did me no good as they didn't do anything for my anxiety. Feel pretty much permanently terrified these days.