How's your depression?


#505

how's the music going?


#506

want to talk about it? I know you're having some crap times with family illness but we're all here for you :slight_smile:


#507

Meh, happened with a shrug. I should write more really but that would require on me believing in myself more/being inspired. Meanwhile I'm waiting for Post Louis to do their thing


#508

Well at least you got the project finished and out there, you should be proud of that! Sorry it's been tough out there for you :frowning:


#509

Got my first CBT session today.....on the phone....at work

Such joy.


#510

I know I just constantly feel I could/should have done better/more


#511

don't worry I'm a much bigger failure, you have plenty going for you!


#512

Think I've developed some form of anxiety. Wake up with a feeling of dread in my stomach and only making myself sick after I've gotten a shower helps. It feels like I'm expelling the worry that seeps in overnight.

I haven't truly got that much to worry about, and in fact most things are ok. Which is weird.


#513

You're not, we're all kinda fucked x


#514

It's not weird at all, for me depression and anxiety can happen during pretty much any period regardless of what's going on. It's the nature of the beast and I'm sure it's the same for a lot of people.

Making yourself sick to feel better sounds like a difficult thing to go through, I really would recommend you speak with a GP. Do you struggle to get to sleep, and/or find it difficult to relax before bed? Hope you get some relief from it tonight and the morning after.


#515

Cheers man.

Ah yeah I know it just hits and I've always been pretty appreciative of well rounded and comfortable people suffering with it.

Its only been about a week, and started when I was sick in the shower and felt loads better. Don't struggle to sleep but was waking up about 1 for a while (thankfully I'm up at 5/6 recently). I'll see how it goes over the next couple of days - thankfully I'm not ending up homeless so that should help


#516

anyone here got experience of turning a bad point in their life around?

My life has just gotten consistently worse for 10 years and I can't think my way out of it.


#517

Yes and no. I'm not a very good after picture for mental health but I've had spells where life was better and it's always been through diligent self care. Tend to use looking after myself physically as a ramp up to it, getting control of things that are fairly easily controllable like eating/exercising and sleeping well and then using hopefully better self esteem to force myself to be more sociable. Think maybe good human interaction/being part of communities is the only thing that genuinely makes​ life better for me. on a down turn it feels impossible though.

Best of luck to you man.


#519

I meant for this to be short but I kept rambling sorry. Over a thousand words – ‘kin ell. Longstoryshort what helped me - seeking professional medical help, restricting drink/drugs, adequately preparing myself for when triggers happen and how to better control destructive behaviour, accept that I'm not as bad as I think I am, not be as hard on myself.

Back in 2014 I was working a job that I hated and was incredibly stressful. I did shift work of three days on, three days off. Pretty much from the moment I started the three days off till I rolled back into work I was drinking non stop, along with frequent drug taking. At the time I lived with my ex and it had become a really horrible relationship where after five/six years we just fucking hated eachother. My mental health was at rock bottom, intense depression and frequent self-harm. I couldn't sleep because of suicidal ideation and when my depression gets seriously bad I get very short and infrequent audio/visual hallucinations. Shit like (content warning) voices in my head telling me to kill myself, suddenly hearing screaming when almost falling to sleep, being sat at the pub and "seeing" my body hanging from the ceiling, having waking nightmares in the middle of the night that I genuinely thought were real e.g. my friends breaking bones infront of me, etc. I pushed most of my friends away and felt completely alone. Financially I was in a lot of debt too because I was spending money thinking I wouldn't be alive to pay it back in the future. That was a bit daft because I've only just managed to pay it all off now!

The catalyst for the next stuff is pretty shameful. I met someone else and we only kissed but I'd never done anything like that before (or since) and the guilt was unbearable. Spent a week not eating and only sleeping for max of one hour a night. So at the end of this week I snapped, packed a rucksack, and told my ex I was off. That was actually a massive relief, because after telling her all the reasons our relationship wasn’t working, she said that she agreed and it was for the best. We're friends now if quite distant. Still left me without a place to live but thankfully a couple of friends let me stay at theirs, so I lived on their sofa for six months and gradually built things back up. Living with friends helped a lot here, I'm lucky that was an option.

In terms of turning it around that was a really slow process that probably took me most of two years though the first six months is where the most change happened. Obviously the break up was rough at first even though we both wanted it over, but the relationship ending did cause me to feel loads more positive. I started a new job, where I temporarily took a significant pay cut just to be out of my previous one. Made lots of effort to reduce my drink and drugs intake, which was really difficult and initially made me worse but after the first couple months I felt so much better physically I couldn't believe it. It's so hard to go cold turkey with that stuff and I think it's actually a bit of an unreasonable aim in a lot of cases, but that doesn't mean it's right to still be going full tilt all the time. I also focused a lot more on the things I enjoy, making music, going to gigs, football, videogames, doing arty cultural bullshit, cinema, writing. I’d gradually stopped doing all of that stuff without realising it.

But the biggest thing I did to help myself was see a GP. I did this after a particularly bad hallucination, and I didn't really want to seek help because my previous experiences with mental healthcare had all been terrible. Thankfully, this GP listened to me and referred me onto mental health services. It was two-three months before I started getting CBT but that made a huge difference to me, I hadn't received any kind of therapy before even when I was 15 and the depression caused my first breakdown. I'm not going to say CBT is the answer, because it's not a cure. But having weekly CBT gave me structure to my life that I could work around. Even though some of the sessions weren't all that productive, it started giving me stuff to aim for. I was able to make plans and expect when something would trigger me, and if that triggering event did occur I was better able to deal with it.

It's easy to think when you're depressed that you are an awful person, and a really tough thing was me realising that I am not awful, and there's a lot of good I can do. I know that sounds cheesy, reducing it to good and bad, but it's a hard thing to articulate. It’s not like this was all on an upward curve either, I had setbacks but that’s okay. When those blips happen it’s important to accept that they happened and could happen again, but what can be learned from them to help avoid them in the future? Above all else it was vital for me to not beat myself up about it, because that thinking makes the setback a full blown reversal to before.

Ultimately, I think to get out of these situations you’ve got to look at what you can change. I’d spent years and years being in denial about the severity of my depression and being ashamed of it, thinking that my tactics for dealing with it worked fine. They obviously didn’t. Change is something that needs to happen in these circumstances, even if that change is seemingly really minor e.g. walking to work instead of getting the bus. When depression is all consuming you’ve got to break out of your routines, because those routines get warped into such a way that they feed into the depression, that work for it without you even realising that’s happening.

Don’t know how to end this without just saying – mental illness is a dickhead and there’s no easy treatment, and no treatment that works for everyone. You’ve just got to keep muddling on and doing what you can to help yourself, with what support you can get. Also don’t turn down a hug.


#520

Great post. Agree 100% with the last sentence


#521

thanks so much for taking the time to write this, it's really very inspiring actually. Small changes, patience and perspective then it seems.

So very glad you have made it to a happier and more stable place, those sound like some truly awful times and I very sorry you had to go through it :frowning:


#522

Hey @Bamnan

I posted this up a few years back now, but it definitely feels as 'right' as it did then re: reaching a turning point. it's a bit silly, but then sometimes i feel a bit silly for suffering from depression or anxiety so:

"when I went really really dark for about 6 months (and previously to that, way back, a couple of years) and was completely unsure of any worth I might have to anyone or anything else, I used to try and focus on a place that i'd one day reach where the idea of depression was never in my mind, and so far removed from who I was that it was impossible to imagine what being depressed is like.

It was that idea, which I was so sure of, that got me into CBT, got me exercising, got me talking to people honestly, helped me meet new friends on equal terms etc. It took real time.

But what has become obvious is that what I had been imagining - that outright departure from ever thinking of depression again - was something that was never going to be achievable. And what is even more obvious is that accepting that from the outset would have sped up the process.

Depression now feels like an old friend, which sounds stupid but I guess I mean the old friend who shows up on your couch once every few years and you just hope they leave after two days and not stay for a year. And as much as they piss you off there's such a familiarity when they're there that you catch yourself lingering with the idea of this being real again and circling the rim and deliberately questioning where you're at and hey, maybe it would be better if you asked them to stay because at least then there's no surprises.

But it's knowing that and taking it for what it is - irrational fear and rational caution turned disproportionate - that helps when you want to ask that friend to leave

I'm grateful any day I don't have that thought in my periphery but I'm more grateful that I got a handle on what depression is, because the second it's tangible the second you can understand that while it is something you've created, it's not something that is an embedded inevitability. And sometimes your friend just calls to check you're okay, and you just get a shiver when you see them out the door before the relief comes.

I'm not gonna read that back or I won't post it but yeah"


#523

Thanks for sharing this. I think the stuff about how routines feed into depression is important and something I need to work on. I fall into routines so easily when down and from there it feels impossible to break out of them.

Glad you're in a better place now. It's comforting to read stories like this and be reminded that while it never truly goes away living with mental illness can get better.


#524

you've always been a wise dude, nice analogy! Yeah I should maybe stop trying to defeat it and worry about managing it and accepting that part of myself. Thanks :slight_smile:


#525

yes. it's a bit of you but it doesn't mean it's all of you man :slight_smile: