I get that man. It's hard to build yourself up when things lack a purpose and you feel like you are just going to have to keep managing shit only for it collapse again.
Had a bit of a drinking run recently (only properly heavy a couple of days normally just a few pints). Yesterday was my first April 12th my room is a mess again and im struggling to pull myself together. Despite my personal life being the best its ever been and my professional life for the first time ever actually seems to be progressing somewhere.
I still dont want to get up most days and deal with this shit. I think its the pretense that gets me. The fact I have to pretend im feeling alright for work, to maintain relationships etc. Just digging myself into an anti social hole with drink for company.
That said I felt better today (though still had a beer) and I feel like im getting to the otherside of this dip now. It's just I was feeling so good before I went off on this one and it saddening to notice how easily it can turn.
The truth is I just dont want to sort shit out I want to be able to let go and escape for a bit because my mind is too hyperactive and struggles to balance this shit. This is why I go to drink or drugs to just switch it off for a bit or rediscover a bit of wonder in life. I dont want to take these moments away from me 'cause I feel I need them and I just get such terrible burn out from basically just maintaining a fairly standard life.
But sometimes my dips are too step and I just burn time with all the days blurring into one and all the chores and shit I need to keep up with pilling up and I just feel unreal in these moments. The time just dispersers and I lose it.
But I know that this is just the case with me and its pointless to compare myself to others. I have to work through these things and thats the hand ive been played. Its not a race. Its just about finding some sort of balance and enjoyment out of life. I used to think that there would be a magic pill or moment that will snap me out of these demons but now I've accepted that this isnt the case.
It's a long term engagement and I constantly have to remind my self to sow some seeds for the future. Maintain contact with the people I care about. Try not to be completely indulgent in myself and give time to others, even when im not 100% up for it. Because occasionally they can return the favour, and the absolute worst thing for me is coming out of depressive phase realising that there is no one to get in touch with. That I have drifted out of friendships and burnt the bridges when I finally feel the need to be around people again.