Have had a couple of massive dips in the last couple of nights whilst really trying to keep a burgeoning pre-occupation with my mortality at bay.
And in the last 10 minutes have felt a wave of anxiety and enormous self-doubt thump me in the stomach all around my job situation.
I've had to apply for a role that I've been doing for the past 13 months on a secondment, and today is the closing date for applications. I've got mine in and all that, and yesterday was feeling pretty sanguine about it all.
The secondment was into a band higher (just spelt that 'hire' ffs!) than my substansive role, and has taken on line management responsibilities and a hefty pay-rise as well. Quite apart from the obvious enjoyment from the extra money, I've really enjoyed the extra responsibility and expectation and have definitely delivered what has been expected of me.
However, the nagging doubt that some hot-shot analyst is going to appear and blow me out of the water has really taken on less of a nagging quality and one of mild strangulation.
I don't think any of this will affect me in the interview (assuming I'm lucky enough to get offered one), but the thought of not getting this role on a permanent basis is actually terrifying. I really don't know how I'd cope with the body-blow of not getting it - it feels as though it could re-open a lot of old mental wounds around confidence, self-worth and generally being a useless chump.
Think I need to go for a walk around the block to get my head back together.