How's your depression?


#766

The set backs can be such inane things too, like saying the wrong thing, which only compounds matters.

I find that with the therapist, i feel quite removed from myself and that the problems are someone elses, or that they aren’t quite as real, to the extent that sometimes I almost feel like I should excuse myself for wasting both our time.

Anyway, it’s done for and I can’t go back for another six months. It feels a bit rudderless and it’s also unusual to have someone know so much about you and you’ll not see them again.


#767

really want to reach out to someone and tell them that I love them right now but nobody there


#768

you mean someone you know isn’t there for you? we’re here x


#769

thanks, more just thinking about my mortality and it’s a shame to feel like you have left no positive impression on the world.


#770

sorry, it’s partly the wine, gonna shush now


#771

you’ve made a well positive impression even to people on here and probably to people irl too.


#772

thanks, hopefully you are doing alright?


#773

yeah I’m fine thanks


#774

I’ve moaned a bit on here about my recent experience with GPs but my appointment yesterday was great - found an empathetic doctor who was really knowledgeable about mental health issues and who’d taken the time to read through my history and had a few options ready to suggest. Feeling positive about things for a change.


#775

I have a question - hope it’s ok to ask.

If you have depression - is it a burden when people ask ‘how are you?’ in general? I ask because my line report took me to one side this morning and asked me not to ask him how he was every morning. I mean I just do it naturally - “Morning, how are you?” etc. but he seemed agitated and distressed by it and seems like it’s been building. Wondering if it’s a consequence of depression and that but I’m not aware of him having actual depression if you get me?


#776

My guess is, as with most of these things, it differs from person to person.

Personally speaking, when I am feeling really low, I find it difficult to answer that question first thing in the morning. I feel almost duty bound to paper over everything and say I’m fine when inwardly, I’m wanting to fold myself in half and mail myself to deepest Alaska. But, I am equally aware of making other people feel awkward and so tend to deadpan a ‘terrific’ just to get the conversation done as quickly as possible.

However, if someone was to pull me aside on a one-to-one basis and ask me how I was based on the fact that I was more withdrawn than usual, then I would generally feel comfortable enough (now, anyway) to answer honestly.

Don’t know if this has helped at all…


#777

That is helpful. Like I said I don’t know if he’s got depression or whatever but it could be that him answering that question, which I thought inane/well meaning, is agony for him so it’s right that he asked me not to.


#778

no but i hate when people ask what i’ve been up to. obviously it’s completely innocent but i tend to just not reply sometimes (if it’s a message) rather than say ‘struggling to get out of bed most days’


#779

Thanks for this. I hate that question anyway and I don’t have depression. “What’ve you been up to?” “The usual shit mate as you well know”.


#780

So.

This week has been to all intents and purposes, a damn fine week. The job situation I was really stressing and being ground down by came up trumps, the election went way better than I could have even begun to have hoped and yet…

And yet…

I’m sat here on a Saturday evening feeling super wretched.

I’m frustrated as fuck about the apparent inconsistency flying around my mind. I’m currently sat in a four-bed house alone and when I am surrounded by people I crave my alone time more than anything. Yet, right now, I couldn’t feel more lonely and I am craving the company of someone - anyone - who might understand me. Someone who would listen whilst I spew my brains and where I wouldn’t feel as though they’re sat there feeling as though they’re being held hostage, thinking that I’m being a self-indulgent, self-pitying knobarch.

Does anyone else find that balance hard to find when they’re feeling really shit and reaching out to someone, that they feel as though they are coming across as just feeling sorry for themselves when, in fact, the reality is that they’re kinda despising themselves? Even with therapists, although what I’ve talked about feels very real, the words don’t do my feelings justice and end up feeling slightly sugar coated - albeit with liquorice. And no-one likes liquorice.

Although I’ve resolved that depression and anxiety is likely to live with me for the rest of my life, and although I have coping mechanisms in place to help, those lows don’t get any easier to cope with. At all.

I will sleep, I will probably have fucked up dreams as I often do when I feel this way and then try and spend tomorrow
revising whilst feeling slightly haunted.

Dammit, this is a pile of nonsense. But, better out than in, right?

I know I’ve said it before, upthread, but this site has come on an awfully long way since I was on it first ten years ago. There are some lovely, beautiful and caring strangers here and having a safe place like this to let my spleen bleed upon is so valuable.


#781

hope you feel a bit better for getting all of that out.

Maybe you’re tired? Try to get an early night, could be really nice and sunny tomorrow if it’s anything like here and you can take yourself for a nice walk.

I have been more or less anxiety free for about a month now and I never thought I would be. You can and will improve :slight_smile:

Be kind to yourself, eat and sleep well, have some patience and remember there’s people out there who love you and many many joyful social experiences for you in the future.

Sorry you are feeling lonely right now but this won’t last forever.

take good care of yourself x


#782

Thanks Bammers, as ever you are a beacon amongst stars.

It sucks that it always seems to be the good 'uns that struggle with shit like this (I don’t include myself in this).

I know that things will improve, I’ve had those spells where, although not ‘cured’, things have been manageable.

I am exhausted, I had a couple of hours sleep Thursday night 'cos of election excitement, but slept a good 11 hours last night. I have to revise tomorrow for an exam on Tuesday (I’ll pass, that’s no issue and not heaping any stress or anxiety on) but was thinking of taking an hour or two out for a walk - and having eaten rancid shit for the past week, I cooked up a vegetable pasta sauce today en-masse which felt good.

We should have a ‘How’s your depression thread’ meat where we can all feed of each-other’s dark souls.

Thanks again, man. Means a lot.


#783

no worries, any time! I’m not going anywhere :slight_smile:

Yeah I went to bed about 5am on election night/morning, still don’t feel right, could be that you’re still suffering from the after effects of the tiredness.

Chances are you will feel a bit better once the exam is over even if it’s not your main concern, it’s funny how things can subtely change your mood. I’ve got an upcoming dentist appointment and it’s kind of annoying me even though it’s weeks away and nothing major.

Do you do anything creative like writing, art or music? May be cathartic to create something new if that’s the case, always helps with my self-worth anyway.

Going to have a beer in a minute so I’ll raise the glass to your improving health


#784

Funny you should mention that, I’ve almost finished a game and was then going to sit down for half an hour and write.

I’ve recently got back into creative writing - it is extremely cathartic as I’m sure music is for you. Even though it will probably never be seen by anyone else, it’s a damn fine release of the pressure valve.

To assist with the flow of words, I’ll have a beer when I start too. So - chin chin, and all that.

And thank you again.


#785

well I’m still looking for some spoken word stuff to narrate to music so if you have anything suitable please send it over, might be fun :slight_smile:

anyhow, beer and pizza time. thanks for the chat! cheers! :beers: