How's your depression?


#806

I can only speak for myself from a completely uninformed position but I think that being aware that it is a thing that you do is in and of itself the way I deal with it?

Like, I always let small things play on my mind for ages and, as I said upthread, am really prone to internalising hypothetical conversations about the small thing which spiral into a bigger thing. The fact that I am aware that it’s entirely a construct of my own mind is a big step forward to how I used to (not) deal with it and allows me to tell myself that it’s not as big of a deal as I think it is.

It sounds like you’re recognising a pattern of behaviour that, while you’re obviously not happy at having, you can at least know that it’s nothing bigger than the way you’re wired or something?

This reads like mumbo but hopefully you get what I mean? Basically, recognising that there is a thing that needs to be dealt with is in and of itself dealing with it a bit?


#807

Yeah, I completely get what you’re saying. The problem I face is that I’ve known it’s a thing I do for a very long time but I can’t seem to do anything about it?
I’ve tried but I can never seem to take a step back and be like “ok chill out lets just take a minute and deal with this”. I seem to make a huge fool of myself in the process every time and that makes me dwell on it for ages afterwards.


#808

Yeah, I agree with Ant.

I don’t know there is necessarily a way of stopping these episodes from happening, but by recognising them for what they are and not trying to suppress or ignore them, or feel as though you’re stupid for feeling how you are (difficult, I know) is a pretty big step forward.

The hardest part I’ve found over the past five years or so, is having to accept that feeling shit a lot of the time is just something I have to deal with and mitigate as best I can. It’s not easy, it’s a daily struggle and at times can become overwhelming. Being able to move on is something I really struggle with - it fucks me off no end when people say I’ve got to leave things in the past and move on. I know that, and if it was just as simple as putting those words into practice, I’d have started doing it 20 years ago. There’s isn’t a silver bullet that just makes everything okay all of a sudden, sadly.

My own way of dealing with it is simply by cutting myself off and withdrawing from most other people until I feel I’m in a better headspace - probably not the healthiest way of dealing with it, but it works best for me.

So, probably scant consolation @meowington :frowning: - really sorry that you’re feeling so low. If there is any consolation in knowing that others can understand how you’re feeling, then I hope it helps.

Take care x


#809

Yeah, that’s the bit where I struggle as well. That’s the fucking key to the kingdom right there isn’t it.

Hang in there, Meo. You’re the best and far from a huge fool.


#810

I think thats something I feel pretty strongly about is that I’m going to feel like this for periods FOREVER.
I definitely think I have a Highly Sensitive Person, I fit the brief exactly that it could have been written specifically for me but it kind of leads to me to feel quite alone because i feel like no one can feel the things I feel (which I know is the case for everyone but I feel things 10 x more than other people).

I really envy that you’re able to withdraw. Thats what makes things hard for me is that I can’t keep things in my head and I NEED to talk to be able to try to move on. If I keep it all inside and to myself, it’s going nowhere.

Thanks @he_2! You’re always so responsive in these threads and it’s super nice to have you here and you’re very wise :slight_smile:


#811

OK this is going to sound glib, but believe me that’s not what I mean. If you can never seem to do this then the obvious conclusion is that that’s not the right answer to your problem. And that’s fine. You don’t have to conform to a set timetable of recovery from setbacks.

I couldn’t agree more with Ant that being self-aware is a huge step forward in dealing with downswings and life obstacles. It means you can diagnose yourself and take action. So the fact that you are self-aware is a huge bonus.

I would suggest that when you’re feeling a bit better, whenever that is, you take some time to think over previous occasions when you’ve felt like this, and try to view the whole timeline, from trigger to reaction and then to eventual recovery, noting what seemed to make things better along the way. Often it’s just time: your life carries on and new things appear that demand your attention more, your brain subconsciously draws a line under the thing it was obsessed with an hour/day/week ago and you move on.

All the best though, hope you feel better soon.


#812

I have this semi-regularly. If it feels like an outlier to my general mood I have a self-care ‘session’ - have a nice relaxing shower, put on clean pyjamas, light some scented candles and watch a film without being distracted by social media. It sounds really basic, but I do find that doing it makes me less likely to get into a week-long rut over something small that’s triggered me. Take care of yourself Meow x


#813

Thanks. I literally have never thought of it in the sense that I don’t need to take a step back if I don’t want to/can’t. Everyone around me seems to be able to just park their feelings and pick them up another time so just assumed I should be doing the same thing there.


#814

I carry a notebook around with me everywhere I go and scribble away in it when I’m feeling consumed with thoughts, anger, grief, hopelessness - whatever it happens to me. I have dozens and dozens of word documents at home and at work with similar musings. All completely unfinished, just a stream of consciousness. I never throw any of it away, equally I never go back and re-read it. That’s the way that works best for me, in terms of processing my thoughts and getting them out of my head - and it’s something I can do in my own space really easily.


#815

Feel like I’m pretty much at breaking point.

Sit here at work with absolutely no drive, literally doing the least I can possible do because I’ve just got so much swimming around in my head. Social life is a non-entity, only time I go out is to play music or see my son. On the subject of which, I see him once a week, which is absolutely shit.

Job’s coming to an end anyway (maternity cover), and I’m starting to panic about not finding something else before this one finishes. Literally no money, so I can’t afford to be unemployed at all. Seems like the worst time to be applying for jobs though, as I have zero self confidence, meaning interviews (if I get one) will be an actual nightmare. Also would ideally like to earn a decent amount so I can live on my own again, but that seems unlikely.

Just wish I could see any sign of things improving.


#816

sorry to hear all of that!

How’s the music going? Some positives there you can talk about to make you feel better? :slight_smile:


#817

Played a few gigs on Saturday which kept me busy (and earned me some money). I wrote a song on my drive home from MK last night (actually pulled into the services to record it so I didn’t forget it - worrying behaviour). Got in and recorded a bit and remembered how much I can’t stand the sound of my own voice. So down again.


#818

Got pretty brutal dread today. I think it might be because I got really, really drunk on Saturday night and I’m on some sort of alcohol comedown. But I currently feel like everything is verrrry out of control at the moment. Hoping that tidying my apartment and getting an early night will help things, and that this is just a short term thing…I rarely get really brutal post-alcohol dread but this is pretty acute.


#819

don’t worry - you’d almost certainly feel bad if you’d not recorded it and then forgotten it!

i get this so bad now, used to be pretty hangover free but since early 2016 things have got pretty nasty. i’m lucky in that i don’t get anxiety in general… meaning that hangover anxiety is absolutely brutal


#820

Yeah I think I’m similar - don’t get too anxious much but sometimes if I really overdo it with the booze it absolutely slays me. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.


#821

I’ve ceased contact with pretty much everyone (still talking to my parents and one person I know mainly through the internet) and it’s actually helped level me out a bit. Still get moments where I feel completely out of control and unsafe but when they pass I feel more peaceful because nobody has had to witness me making a fool out of myself.

Come to terms with the fact that I’m just quite an unlikeable person so everything is pretty much pointless, just a matter of passing the time until death. Not sure if this is worse or better because I’m less erratic than before but I used to have some kind of vague hopes of a life for the future. Think overall I prefer it but I worry about my parents growing older and what they’ll think when they look at me.


#822

I’m sure you’re not unlikeable, what makes you feel that way?


#823

Sod’s Law dictates that barely a day after I make that suggestion to you I fall into a classic example of it myself. Today I found out the results of our reorg at work, and confirmed what I already suspected, namely that my boss is insecure and doesn’t trust me. So as a result I didn’t get a job that I would really have loved to have done, because he was worried (with no reason) that I might undermine him. So I’m now stuck in a dead end and will have to find a way to leave the team against my will.

And obviously that’s got me down, even though I was steeled for it. For most of this afternoon I’ve had a seething internal monologue going on, but… experience means I didn’t lose my shit with him, and I also calmed down quite a bit quite fast. Nevertheless I know that I’m going to spend the next week, at least, obsessing over this whenever my brain’s not busy. And then after that it’ll cool down (I hope). But that doesn’t make it any easier while it’s going on unfortunately, but at least I’m on my guard.


#824

That sucks!
But at least you’ve got a few positives from it in that you know in yourself that you can calm down quicker.
Maybe you’re also in the midst of it right now that over the next week, you can look at the bigger picture and things like that.
Unfortunately I don’t have much advice other than the feelings will be less tomorrow, and the next day etc.


#825

Yup. That’s life. Just got to get on with it.