About 3 months ago I split with my ex and things have got progressively worse since, culminating in a breakdown in early August which I’m still struggling to pull myself out of. After more than 4 years of resisting drugs I’m on Sertraline, and I’ve referred myself to the local Wellbeing Service who I’m seeing today. I’m doing all the right things, I think - regular exercise, massively cutting back on booze and caffeine, eating better, trying to keep myself busy without overdoing - but I’m finding everything such a struggle and I constantly feel like I’m on the edge of a panic attack. I really am trying to open up to friends and be vulnerable when I need to, but I just find it so difficult. I feel like I’ve become so conditioned to say “I’m okay” or “I’ll be okay” when asked how I am, perhaps because I feel like I need to be strong for friends who need my support. The only person I can really open up to is my ex, who’s already taken a few calls from me lately mid-meltdown. So I guess this is me being vulnerable and saying actually, I do fucking need help, I do need to talk and I want someone to listen. And y’know, I imagine there’s worse people to open to than you lot, heh.
Flitting between “things will be okay, it will be better” and “there’s no hope, I wish I was dead” at the moment. It’s exhausting.