I’m in a different situation, but I think maybe I have similar issues. I mean, maybe. actually more likely I’m cherry picking what seems relatable.
like, I’ve been struggling with anxiety around others for years now, and I find it nearly impossible to be open/vulnerable around others, and feel constantly on edge, uncomfortable, etc.
and the only time in god knows how long that I’ve felt relief from this was feeling like maybe I’d met someone I could love, having felt able to be open and vulnerable around them, and felt receptive to life in general for the first time also in a long time as a result of that feeling of trust.
only for the depth of that connection to turn out to be mostly imagined, and that feeling of relief to vanish. the thought of them brought me comfort, then I felt anxiety at the thought that I had ruined this potential love, then I felt anxiety at the thought they would never want to even be friends.
and now I just feel that though they are open to being friends, the feeling of trust has been irreperably broken, that they will always be circumspect of the feelings I confessed to, and that I will continue being utterly inhibited by the same old social fears.
I also have little to no hope in mental health services, and medication might not even be the source of temporary relief I hoped; if anything, it just guarantees I waste away unfeeling for another few months of my life.