I went to see a film called The Work the other night, and really cannot recommend it enough to you guys. It’s documentary footage of group therapy sessions in New Folsom prison (California) in which members of the pubic are invited to take part, too. No input from the filmmakers aside from a few title cards, etc. (aside from the obvious power of editing, picking what to shoot in the first place, yada yada—I basically just mean there’s no host/voiceover/apparent narrative drive). All the stuff I want to say about it sounds lame but is 100% true. It’s powerful, moving, thought-provoking, deeply sad and simultaneously very, very funny.
This afternoon I had a horrible sensory meltdown/panic attack at Stratford station on the way back from seeing my granddad at his care home. Totally lost all ability to function, which was terrible of me because I had my son with me and I should have been able to keep it together for him. My dad was there to help us home, but I felt awful about it because I hate that my mental health issues are impacting on my boy. He didn’t seem phased by it, he was really happy, calm and sociable all day - brilliantly behaved. But I let him down so much, I pretty much can’t handle taking him places other than a select few short, local things. I should be able to take him for little trips to the seaside or museums or to see more family, rather than deprive him of these things
Also feeling a complete drain of interest in anything, worse than in any previous depression. Like before there were things I could find relief in as distraction, but I pretty much just want to sleep in my meagre free time. I don’t want to listen to music, watch anything, work on any craft projects, I am only reading out of duty to the book club I go to. Today there are/were two sporting things that in previous years I would have been so excited by, but I just can’t muster a care about them, I feel totally flat and barely like a person any more.
I went out tonight. Had one drink. Went home. Couldn’t handle being in a place with lots of happy looking people having fun. Now at home with gin and Netflix. Feel better. Boyfriend, who’s able to distract me from my issues most of the time, if not all of the time, is back tomorrow night. I’ll hold on.
you haven’t let anyone down
you don’t need to answer this of course because obviously I don’t know you or the situation but have you talked to your kid why you can’t cope sometimes?
I’d also say it’s worth talking to a GP about this, they are there to help
(Also Stratford is the WORST and I feel like that every time I’m there - which was just last weekend, actually - so I completely sympathise )
If my dad hadn’t have been there I honestly don’t know how I could have got us home, probably would have just stood there hands clamped onto the pushchair, sobbing and hyperventilating. That would have been fine if I was on my own, but as a mum there with my baby I needed to be functional at least enough to get him home safely and I wasn’t
It is kind of you to say that though DB, thank you.
He is only 15 months old, it is a bit beyond his level for now to understand that mummy has mental health issues and is autistic.
I am well into things with mental health services already - waiting on a therapy appointment, on meds though not feeling they are doing much (have a review with my GP in just over a week)
Did you notice at Stratford how the platform announcements are really fucking loud? I think that might have been what sent me over the edge.
it is always possible that a person with a child in their care can become unwell - due to mental or physical ill health. you really shouldn’t beat yourself up about it, it’s always something that can happen and it doesn’t make you any less capable or great a parent! I’m not a parent so don’t really know what it must be like for you and can’t really tell you how to feel but I don’t think ANYONE would ever think you were in any way letting your kid down xxx
I think what severed said about talking to your son makes sense, idk how old he is. it sounds like something an advice line might have some more specific advice on. can help you have a look if you’d like?
I had a horrible experience coming off a train a few months ago and ended up causing delays for hundreds of people. we can’t feel bad about these things! they happen and it’s unavoidable.
so sorry you’re experiencing this at the moment and hope you get some really good support xx
I see, that makes sense
Sounds like you are doing the right things, so I guess all I can say is please don’t be too hard on yourself, as I’m sure even if your father hadn’t been there someone would have helped you and as @DarwinBabe says, you haven’t failed anyone. It is OK for these things to happen. Just notice it and build. (I.e advice I should give myself a lot but struggle to, because we all do, that’s why we are in this thread)
I have, also the copious amounts of people EVERYWHERE AND ALL TIMES. It’s a very stressful place and I hate that I often have to rely on it when in London.
yeah I think it’s a real problem with a lot of public transport and public spaces - they are designed without taking into account people with sensory processing issues and it’s really really annoying.
It is quite annoying, though I understand with some things there is a difficult balance to strike - for example with PA announcements I often find them distressingly loud (extra at Stratford), but if they were too quiet then it would present a problem for people with hearing difficulties and hamper their ability to use those services. Though things like music playing in shops, restaurants, etc, is frustrating because that really stops me from being able to handle those things sometimes.
On my own I will usually wear headphones to help, and I have a permanent light tint in my glasses to help with bright lights. I can’t use the headphones when I am out with my son though as he needs my attention more (I don’t like to just push him around and leave him to play with a toy - I try to talk with him and let him know what he is seeing and keep him entertained that way).
Thank you, and @Severed799 too - talking through this has made me feel a bit lighter about the ordeal. I know I shouldn’t be so hard on myself, I always have a struggle to get any sense of self worth.
It’s ok, we’ve all been there
I find some of this stuff quite useful, I don’t know if you’ve come across it https://www.amazon.com/Highly-Sensitive-Person-Thrive-Overwhelms/dp/0553062182 http://thehappysensitive.com
I haven’t come across it before, I will have to do some reading
hope everyone is having a good mental health day today!
Hit me up if you need to chat anyone
damn I fucked up and got depressed again.
I’ll get it together tomorrow
It’s ok, don’t apologise, tomorrow’s another day x
I’m sorry for not offering anything more than a platitude, but I crossed the american continent (south, central and north and back to south) and I can tell you this: you take yourself wherever you go. Be honest with yourself, don’t transfer responsibility and sure, your change can be the inner change you need/want. Don’t blame the trip if you don’t find outside somethingyou are looking for inside.
Does anyone else feel like their life is just empty and pointless? Like, there’s nothing to look forward to in the future, all there is is just a lifetime doing a job you don’t like and have zero passion for, and that none of your wishes or dreams will ever come true?
Or is this feeling actually ‘normal’ among most young people in this country under these economic circumstances, rather than ‘depression’ (in the same way right-wing politics is ‘moderate’ in the current Overton Window)?
I’m not even feeling particularly depressed typing this, that’s sort of how I always feel that I’m used to it.