I might delete this later as I’m not really one for sharing personal stuff on the internet, but my head is all over the place.
I watched my mother die at the weekend.
She was 57, she was an alcoholic and I hadn’t spoken to her for nearly 10 years. My sister called me on Thursday night to let me know that she was in hospital and it didn’t look good. I went to visit on Friday and managed to speak to her and have a conversation and she recognised me and held a conversation with me. It was only short but we both said ‘I love you’. My sister then phoned at 4.30am Saturday to say the hospital had called everyone in. Over the next few hours my mum lost consciousness and slipped into a coma. She then died on Sunday evening.
Sitting around watching someone die is fucking horrific. Watching someone gasp their last breath is horrendous. Seeing her afterwards will never leave my mind.
I feel like I’ve lifted the lid on 10 years of suppressed emotions and I’m so so fucking sad. And guilty. If I’d have reached out sooner maybe I could’ve made a difference. I know it’s irrational and no one can stop an alcoholic drinking but she was weak and I am strong so maybe I should’ve tried. My heart is fucking broken.