How's your depression?


#1546

alcoholism is a truly horrifying thing to see, i wouldn’t wish it on anyone so i can’t imagine how difficult the weekend was for you

all the best and don’t feel bad about anything you’ve done or indeed anything that you haven’t done - just keep moving forwards


#1547

Hey,

Just wanted to say that I’ve taken a lot from things you’ve said on the thread and I totally understand feeling the need to take some time offline.

Hope things settle down for you soon and that you’re able to find some level of equilibrium again.

Take good care of yourself and hope to see you back soon.


#1548

Thank you :slight_smile: genuinely means a lot


#1549

Yeah, you’re good egg wonton, clear to see and very helpful and supportive in this thread.


#1550

so after much deliberation I told the magazine I’m interning at about they issues, their reaction was “yeah probably best we end this” COOL :sunglasses:


#1551

I know I’m hard on myself but I feel rly pathetic. I’ve tried some things recently out of my comfort zone and they all failed which just reinforces these feelings. All I ever do is second guess every last desicion and every rejection I get makes me feel so bad, and the thought of picking myself up and trying again feels impossible, and honestly just pointless. I used to think I was good at certain things but I’m not, and while other people have the force of personality or tenacity to supplement a lack of talent, I’ve just got a sadsack personality and the willpower of a dead slug. I made a pact with myself recently to stop putting myself down in front of others (I’ve made self depreciating humour a thing in my life and I hate myself for it, I hate being laughed at) and also a pact to stop apologising for myself but it isn’t working because honestly, I don’t really like who I am, how weak I am in ways where strength is the only way forward. How the hell are you supposed to get away from that? When I was younger I thought I had the world at my feet and that any shitty bits of my personality or way of doing things would disappear with experience and age, but I’m old now. I spoke to therapists and they say it’s depression clouding my opinions and low self esteem etc etc but I know it’s deeper than that which is really fucking sad. I wish it was just depression because that can be worked around. I was in denial for ages about having problems with mental health in the first place, and anxiety and depression and insomnia on other people sounded twee and endearing or deep, like something that would pass with the help of lots of talking/soul searching etc (obviously seeing mental illness romanticised the way it kind of is in many ways caused this) so at first I was rocked by how ugly and dark and overwhelming my own anxiety and depression is, how there was nothing the slightest bit tragically beautiful or artful about endless crying and general sadness. It was just lots of ugly crying and debilitating feelings that I wanted to turn off but couldn’t. Still can’t. I’m also so paranoid these days, like if something goes wrong or I’m rejected I’m just like, is it because I’m [insert feature that casts me as an undesirable minority] or because I’m just shit? And I know the answer is probably a bit of both which just doesn’t feel very good. Anyway as usual I’m just ranting, this is a load of unedited shite and I just want to get it off my chest because I don’t have anywhere to word vomit on other than here :dizzy_face:


#1552

Oh man this is really long. Also another thing I can’t stand is that my closest friends all joke around about me which is fair because I made myself that person, the one it’s ok to joke about but it’s really not and I hate it so much. When you’ve got no chat and zero social skills it’s easy to talk about yourself or use yourself as the punchline but when others do it it’s taking that control away. They legit think I’m a joke/clumsy oaf/that person to wearily shake their head at like “what are we going to do with her”. Idk i just hate it but not sure what to do about it. I’ve kind of stopped seeing them and haven’t seen them in ages tbh but they’re the only friends I still have and if I ditch them then there goes my already shitty social life


#1553

tho this is a good thing ty for this thread <3


#1554

you can make new friends, you’re lovely

everyone loved meeting you at he DiS meat you came to


#1555

Thanks wiggy <3 tho I’m not sure why I barely said anything and left first :tired_face:
Edit: not not not fishing for compliments at all btw pls


#1556

aah you didn’t leave that early, i arrived quite late cos of work and you were there for long enough that i got to meet you

also i can understand non drinkers leaving earlier than drinkers, when i’ve gone through periods of not drinking i’ve always left events at least a couple of hours earlier than i would otherwise do


#1557

Hi jb, I wish that there was something more helpful I could say, but a fair proportion of what you wrote resonates a lot with me. You seem like a genuinely awesome person and I am certain you don’t have a “sadsack” personality at all.

Pretty useless post from me here, I just wanted acknowledge to you that I read your posts and identified with them and wanted to offer some kind of solidarity x


#1558

Thank you, it means a lot <3


#1559

Jb I wanna talk about the simpsons, come to the next meat!


#1560

If I’m following, they let you go from the internship because of your mental health? That sucks if so.

You feeling any better than yesterday, or still struggling?


#1561

I want to! But I’m honestly awful and might decide I can’t go last minute :dizzy_face: but I would love to meet you and imaperv and whoever else is going that I haven’t met yet!


#1562

Hey that’s me every other social occasion! Maybe we’ll both cancel last minute :slight_smile:


#1563

Hey jb - feel free to word vomit here as much as you want.

For what it’s worth, you come across here far better as you see yourself, so there’s something worthwhile in you, even if you can’t see/feel it at the moment. I can empathise with much of what you say as well, albeit I don’t think I often feel as awful as you eloquently put it.

With your friends, is there any individual that you trust enough to have a quiet personal word with about your mental health and the knock on effect of how they talk with you? If so, they can hopefully talk to the others to get them to lay off a bit. One of the best things I did when diagnosed was send a PM to my closest friends to let them know and they’ve been fantastic since; obviously when you feel socially anxious that’s really hard to do (I still can’t believe I managed it), which is why I’m suggesting maybe just pick one person you feel you trust the most.

Keep safe and know we’re always here for you.


#1564

And btw you’re not awful. One of the all time best dissers!


#1565

Thanks so much <3 I left a message in the group chat about apologising for missing loads of social stuff and I’m feeling a bit low atm so that’s why, and nobody acknowledged it lol. Not sure what that means but I was offended/embarrased and never mentioned it again :pensive: