Ah, I always get like that when people don’t respond to me. Usually it’s just because people are busy, Facebook didn’t show it on their feed or similar, but I end up thinking the worst and that everyone I’ve known for 20+ years actually detests me and wants nothing to do with me again.
No comfort, but it will get better at some point.
Thanks so much Jordan <3
Thanks so much for being so nice tho, you lovely people, it means so so much
Basically, I didn’t make it in today because I was still feeling pretty shitty, and when I eventually did contact them to say I wasn’t there, I told them about my mental health issues (in some detail) and that its a high-pressure job and with university starting soon that it will become harder for me to do everything but that I’d be willing to try.
I got what read as a fairly insensitive reply just saying “sorry to hear that but yeah probably best that we end this” because (reading between the lines) I’m an intern and can be replaced/have no rights or need to be looked after. It might not be as bad as that, but it didn’t exactly help me feeling any less of a failure/fuck up I already was.
It would be absolutely lovely to meet you on Sat evening if you feel up to coming, but please don’t put pressure on yourself to come if not! You come across as such a great person on here and are definitely someone who makes this community a better, more positive place. I hope you feel better soon, be kind to yourself xxx
I really, really relate to so much of this. so hard to exist without self-esteem. seems like you’re in a similar state to me, really.
I guess it’s also upsetting because it made it seem like I had this big dirty secret and now it’s out obviously I have to be let go
That sucks. For what it’s worth, you’ve done the right thing throughout; gave it a go and were honest with them. The fact they were insensitive fucks is not your fault - they should have been able to work with you.
Spend some time looking after yourself before university starts if you can mate and do your best to avoid slipping back into old habits if at all possible. As always, shout if you need an ear.
yeah, we’ll see how it is when I go in tomorrow. I want to at least finish this month’s issue cycle to maintain some dignity. They are terrible communicators in general in that place (ironic for a bunch of journalists, huh) though.
I’ll try to have a relaxing weekend at least!
I feel like I’ve finally snapped out of the daydreaming I’d been doing of this one person. it feels horrible, because I have thus snapped out of every which way in which she made me feel alive and happy, and the ways in which she illuminated my life have gone too.
I can now see that I had just taken this small part of her that I did know and dreamt it to be much more significantly representative of her than it actually is. and now she feels like a stranger to me. I really don’t know her.
I mean, I don’t think I do. she said she’s a closed book a lot of the time. I’ve been very open, but I think I have had to try and extrapolate what relatively little I knew, when we were still really speaking.
do we ever really know anyone? do we ever really connect with anyone? I felt myself truly relating, truly opening up, for the first time in so long, but no matter how well you think you know someone, it’s always just some continuity conjured from fragments.
I can feel my anxiety crawling back out from deep down, permeating my entire being again.
It is really hard, and I think you’re great, but if you’re like me though compliments like that just leave you like “thanks but why???” which isn’t nice for anyone involved if you ever want to talk tho I’m here!x
I’m in a very anxious and dissociated state right now. the thought of a compliment just shatters into the same fraught abstraction as everything else I thought I knew when I try to think about it.
not really capable of talking at the moment, but I will drop you a message when I’m feeling like more of a functioning person. x
p.s: it sounds like this person has been holding a lot back which must make it a lot tougher to connect properly so it’s so understandable to construct your own thoughts of what she’s like in the blank spaces
yeah. I think so.
it’s so jarring to wake up from it like this. I’ve been hoping to get to see her again for ages; she might be coming along to a music festival in a week and a few days. hopefully alone - she confirmed she’d started seeing someone, which has been the main thing bursting the bubble, for me.
I really want to be friends. I want to believe that there was a lot of truth to way I felt about her from when we were talking a lot. but I don’t know. maybe she’ll turn out to just be another person who I can’t relate to that much after all.
also, if she brings this person along (I don’t necessarily think she will), I don’t really want to talk to her as part of a couple. she certainly won’t be the person I was talking to in that instance. she’ll be part of someone else; someone else will be part of her.
sorry to ramble about this girl. she’s been dominating my thoughts and feelings for most of the year, so I suppose it can’t be helped.
It’s absolutely fine, getting it off your chest is good! Hope your meeting goes well with her
I went to some preliminary assessment thing for a uni counselling group for people who think they may be prone to social anxiety / related stuff. The group has been postponed, but the counsellor at the thing had suggested I would be suited to it and has recommended I consider one-to-one counselling stuff.
I’m slightly apprehensive (I was quite nervous before and during the original preliminary thing); has anyone got experience they could impart on this sort of thing?
just been up twisting myself into knots again, in quiet agony from the anxiety of mental gymnastics that are now beyond me. not as a result of anything that has just been said, just from trying to maintain some hope from the pieces I’m left with.
the realisation that you probably really don’t mean that much to somebody, never did, it’s awful. realising the one-sidedness of the affection you hold for someone.
that they were probably just being courteous, not wanting to cause pain and probably saying what they thought you wanted to hear.
that the confusion when you first started letting on how much they meant to you wasn’t just modesty, that it was confusing because whatever was budding didn’t feel that significant to them.
that you will never be more than an occasional person to them when they felt like the whole world to you. that if they ever make time again, it’ll just be because they happen to be passing through, or in the same place briefly.
I hope this doesn’t sound like I ever felt entitled to anything. I just feel like a profound connection I thought I made has just been mostly an illusion. and I needed that connection; it filled a void in me, started to heal all the emotional trauma I have been through, in a way that nothing else could, in a way beyond therapy, beyond medication.
maybe I’m just tearing myself up again. maybe I’m going too far in the other direction. it’s probably somewhere in the middle. probably that this person really did want to get to know me, but has found it too difficult of late. surely they must care, if they haven’t completely abandoned me after all my shit.
either way, why am I clinging on to this? it’s just making me unhappy.
I can’t keep putting myself out there and getting only relative indifference. but I’m desperate not to retreat back into that guarded state, because that’s what they pulled me out of to begin with. and I was in hell, for years. absolute abjection.
I don’t know what to do. I can’t cope with this. I want to believe that we’ll see each other and spent time hanging out and they’ll start to feel as much affection as I do (as friends, probably, which I need to reiterate is something I could be happy with, if it was a real, emotional thing). but what if they just stay a closed book, what if they still end up not having room for me?
I’m sure people would also say it isn’t okay to place that burden on somebody. but I don’t feel like I have that with any of my actual family anymore. as much as I try, I struggle to feel that depth of connection with any of my other friends. and I can’t make up for that absence by myself - it’s fundamentally impossible. it has to somebody else.
it isn’t any expectation of emotional labour, either; I have no desire to be talking about any of my struggles. I just want the happiness, the lightness. that isn’t something that has to be a burden; that’s something that would feel good for both parties.
sorry for the self-centred ramble. I feel like it’s impossible to fully convey my struggles with utter lack of self-esteem, crippling anxiety. feels like they must seem like nothing, even though these things consume me completely. there is a lot of context which informs why I am the way I am which I have not spoken of here. I promise I’m not a terrible person. just a completely broken one.