How's your depression?


#1766

kind of struggling, kind of don’t want want my partner to know that i am struggling because i know it affects him and he has a lot on this week but i know i will tell him because he is my best friend. i just get these waves of energy and enthusiasm for things and then drop them when they get too hard or when i get depressed and then i get depressed about dropping them. i’m even worried about my career/job (i’m a freelancer) because i’m not taking on any new work right now as i just feel like i need a break but argh where is the money going to come from? i worry all the time.

sorry, this is a really disjointed post and i should just talk to my boyfriend.


#1767

sorry to hear that. just try to get through the day, a day at a time, step by step. you’ll make it, we believe in you.


#1768

sending lots of love to all of you, esp @bugduv, @pinkybrain & @ghostpony


#1769

Not at all - that’s what this thread is for and if getting things off your chest here even lessens the burden just slightly, then that’s a positive.

I often get these waves of energy and enthusiasm and then they suddenly evaporate and I get frustrated and downhearted and depressed because I can never see anything through to a conclusion. I’d never really thought about it until quite recently, that some of my problems come from this inability to focus on something until it is completed. I can’t understand why it happens and it really grinds me down.

I was speaking to someone who is bi-polar over the summer and where I thought the mania side of the condition was always about experiencing highs, mood-wise, she said that actually, that’s not necessarily the case and that it can manifest itself in this way of experiencing real motivation to pick up something new, or something you’ve not revisited for a while - whatever it is - and almost burning yourself out with it because you’re focusing on it so intensely.

That conversation opened my eyes and although I’m not going to sit here and claim to be bi-polar, I do think I have some tendencies towards it which are probably partly wrapped up in the other issues around depression and anxiety.

Feel free to post here (or feel free to PM if you ever want) any time - as I say, that’s what this thread is here for.

Take care, hope the conversation with your bf goes well.


#1770

In terms of your issues at work, are they something that could be addressed through your employer making reasonable adjustments to your working conditions?

https://www.gov.uk/reasonable-adjustments-for-disabled-workers

Mental health conditions should fall under this, although it goes without saying that there is probably huge variance in what employers will do, or see as their responsibility.


#1771

Just ranting again but just wanted to say how horrible being of those people who just manage is. Was at a costa this morning and this man stormed in and started rifling through the bins and when the staff told him to stop he was like I NEED FOOD OK I JUST NEED FOOD and it was very sad. Luckily the staff gave him a sandwich but because I’m carefully budgeting I couldn’t even afford to get him one which is what I would have done. Left my job because my mh is so shit I can’t deal with it and my pride/pure embarrassment at all of this means I won’t tell anyone or ask for help financially and literally do a days office work for an agency here and there so I can live. Nobody knows I don’t even work because what am I supposed to say? I have never claimed benefits or that either, it’s too dehumanising and struggling as I am is preferable. I’m lucky in that I can get work when I’m desperate but it does mean living off v little which is hard, I’m always cancelling on friends because I feel too anxious or if I feel up to it, I can’t even afford the travel or food or whatever they’re doing and don’t want to have to admit I’m not working, it’s just embarrassing. I’m not ashamed particularly of having problems with anxiety and that, it happens and it’s nothing to beat yourself up over, my embarrassment lies in how badly I’m handling everything. Have made myself known to mental health services over the summer which was a good idea and even went to a a&e one night because I felt like I was dying and they were helpful but the whole thing made me feel very bad. Idk, I’m struggling but at the same time doing a lot better than other people so feel very ungrateful and I’m constantly invalidating my own problems whilst being aware that it’s not right to do so, but I’m unable to stop thinking like that. I expect a lot of myself so always feel shit when I can’t cope which makes me feel even worse about everything and it’s v hard. I just want to be normal


#1772

This is a bit vaguebooky but… Do people feel that getting a formal diagnosis was helpful to them at all?

I ask as I’ve been seeing a therapist about my anxiety and it’s been an enormous help for that, but while working through some of those issues it’s been suggested that I might have another condition. It made a lot of sense at the time but absolutely floored me and I’m not over it yet.

As I see it my options are to seek a diagnosis, or to instead try to make some adjustments to my lifestyle that people with this condition have and see if it helps me. I don’t need a formal diagnosis to try that. I don’t want the label of this diagnosis. That’s probably not helpful but I really don’t want it and just the prospect of it really upsets me. But on the other hand, sticking my head in the sand doesn’t sound healthy.

Dunno.


#1773

For me, massively, yes. But that definitely won’t always be the case - I’ve embraced my diagnosis and publically said “this is part of who I am at the moment”, but I know other people hate being “labelled”, particularly with some of the less well understood conditions (not that depression itself is particularly well understood anyway). I think it’s also helped me in terms of accepting myself for the time being too. Again though - that won’t be everyone’s experience.

@jazzballet :hugs:


#1774

Hey JB,

Man, I feel so much of what you’ve written there, particularly around the embarrassment you feel around how you’re handling things. It’s the absolutely killer circle of mental health that, beating yourself up because you’re not coping yet you feel like you should be - beating yourself up for feeling shit because in comparison to others your problems aren’t so bad etc. That’s all part of the toxic headfuck that mental illness infects your mind with… the thoughts that you somehow should be doing better with everything, especially when so many people around you seem to cope with life. It makes me feel particularly weak and pathetic, I don’t mind admitting, especially when I try and explain it all to people who aren’t suffering with mental health problems.

Again, I totally feel this, every single waking hour of every day. That’s no exaggeration, I always have these expectations at the back of my mind, always - in every single thing I do. And yeah, to wake up and feel just normal, without these reprehensible thoughts swimming through the back of my mind would be utopian.

You’re such a top poster JB, as are everyone who posts here and it kills me to know that so many good people here are struggling and suffering.

I don’t know if any of this helps at all, but I guess I wanted to say that you’re not alone with a lot of this and that we are all here for you.


#1775

I did at first, absolutely. It made so much sense of a lot of what had happened over the past 10-12 years all of a sudden. In actual fact, it was only reading Marcus Trescothick’s book where he talked about his own diagnosis with severe depression that I realised wtf had been going on in my own life.

That said, as time has gone on, I’ve really sought to try and make more sense of things my own way and work hard to find things that work for me in terms of managing the bad times and trying to make the most of the less bad times. I’ve realised that I need my own space in a big way and that I can’t see myself ever being in a relationship again where other people need to rely on me because I don’t think I am able to offer that.

The more I’ve began to understand mental illness - depression / anxiety and such like is that I really feel as though people need to be allowed to find their own way with things. As @colinzealuk says, some find a diagnosis and label useful and helpful in being able to make sense of things, others are fearful of being stigmatised - understandably.

If you’re worried about seeking a diagnosis, there is absolutely no harm in trying to make adjustments yourself and seeing if it helps, particularly if ideas are flying around your head about how to achieve that at the moment - people here will be only too happy to offer support or an ear if its ever needed.

Whatever you end up doing, I hope it helps you, man.


#1776

This is so helpful thank you :sob:


#1777

Same, hope everything improves for everyone :heart:


#1778

Anytime :slight_smile:

Take care of yourself and feel free to shoot me a PM if you ever need to rant away and don’t feel able to in here.


#1779

In general, I think the two main benefits that can come from a formal diagnosis are:

  1. access to services and/or treatment
  2. possible legal protection under the Equity Act

Speaking from my personal experience with autism/aspergers, diagnosis meant I could access an aspergers-specific service at the local mental health trust, which has meant I have someone there who knows me and understands because they are a specialist and I can access help from them quite easily (I have their direct number and they usually get back to me within a day). Also they run various groups, of which I attend a reading/social group which is some months my only social activity at all.
Depending on your possible condition, your level of need and what is actually available locally, access to services may or may not be relevant.

As far as equality act stuff goes, with a formal diagnosis you would be entitled to reasonable adjustments at work (and supposedly with public services, but pretty sure that latter only really gets paid attention to with straightforward access stuff) if you need them. You might think this is irrelevant, and it could be for you currently, but bear in mind that situations like that can change quite quickly through a variety of things you might not even anticipate, and if you already have the diagnosis then you won’t have any delay on that end of things to ask for adjustments.

Another thing as well is, there is no reason why you would have to disclose a diagnosis to anyone you didn’t want to (until such time as you might need to, such as seeking adjustments at work), you could just keep it to your partner or maybe close family or friends you really trust if that was all you wanted.

Do you know what it is about the prospect of the diagnosis that upsets you? (don’t feel you need to answer that if you don’t know or don’t feel comfortable)

It seems, like @he_2 touched on, that it is a good thing if you have ideas to try out things you think could be beneficial whether or not you seek diagnosis. I hope you find things that help x


#1780

Sup everyone. I’ve been thinking about writing something in here for ages, but… basically, I’m just too much of a coward. Writing it makes it all true etc etc wooooo

So I moved back to London at the start of the year as I was offered a graduate contract. And the job has been really good so far. The work is challenging, I enjoy it a fair degree, the culture is really supportive and focused on development and learning, and the people are great.

But the rest of my life is basically terrible, I guess? My partner of nearly five years is still in Edinburgh, and I go there twice a month. The travel is exhausting and costs me a fair bit, but it’s totally worth it. But, god, the lows afterwards. The Mondays after are always horrible. And the time I spend in London is just terrible. I just never have any human contact outside of work. I live with some randoms who are nice guys but both work really odd hours so I never really see them, even at weekends. Aside from one or two friends who i see maybe once a month on average, I just spend my time in London either playing Civilization or abusing my Cineworld card. I worked out this weekend that I spoke to like three other people, all of whom served me in various shops I went into.

Hey, look, I did it. I wrote it down. I should also say, I’m not looking for any of the many London DiSers to pity invite me to the pub or anything. I guess all I’m really trying to say is that loneliness is really strength-sapping and that I can’t wait to get the utter fuck out of London again at the end of my contract next year.


#1781

aw before you edited that I was gonna to say I would love if you went for a drink with us

London is really shit when everything isn’t going well in life though, you are right there.


#1782

Good on you for getting it out there Guntrip - it’s not easy to do; a couple of times in the past I came in here to write something but couldn’t find the words or just deleted whatever I wrote for the same reasons you give. Can’t entirely empathise as I’ve usually been quite happy spending time with my own company, but I totally understand what you’re saying and London can certainly be a pretty alienating place when you’re low or lonely - it’s absolutely capable of accentuating that stuff.

Do use this thread whenever you want to get your thoughts written down, and hopefully the end is in sight and you’ll manage to find something much closer to home next year.


#1783

as someone who also lives very much on the breadline i can relate to an awful lot of this. it’s fucking grim and i hate the thought of anyone else going through it. the stress of just staying afloat is utterly, utterly exhausting. you never feel like you can relax because you never know when some unexpected expense might crop up.

i wish i could offer some kind of useful help or advice, but the best i can do is to sympathise and let you know that you’re not alone in feeling the way that you do and that you really shouldn’t feel ashamed or embarrassed about it.

i love your posts on here, you seem like a top person, and i really hope things pick up for you soon! :slightly_smiling_face:


#1784

Sometimes I cannot express things as intelligently or compassionately as some others here and I am tired but I made a drawing to show my love for all of you in your battles with life

please do not give up hope! x


Monday thread
#1785

So I am, usually. I suppose like most things its the difference between it being a choice and it being… not… a choice.

On the plus side, though, I’ve seen an average of ten films a month for the last few months. Works out about £1.90 a ticket!!!111!