So I think I have this strange ocd(?) thing where all my material possessions have to be in perfect condition. I’ve kind of had this for years I suppose (undiagnosed and untreated), but since moving into my own flat earlier this year it has escalated somewhat.
Recent examples include:
I was lying in bed and noticed a minor scuff mark on the ceiling paint above me. I tried to wipe it off, but took off a lot of paint, making it much worse than it was previously. After much agonising I think I have found a matching paint colour so part of my weekend will be spent going to buy paint and a roller and trying to fix the mess I made. I have been feeling absolutely (disproportionately) gutted that I even tried to fix it in the first place, I wish I had just left it so as to avoid this hassle and expense.
Last night I noticed a very minor scratch on my kettle. So, I tried to rub it out, this created even more scratches. The same feeling of being absolutely gutted returned, and in a stress I deliberately broke the kettle which means this weekend I will also be going out to buy a kettle, using time and money that I could have used to see friends instead. Also, a waste of £55 which is what the kettle cost me only a few months ago.
This is similar to a couple of months back when I was taking off my watch before going to bed and my fingernail caught into the strap and created a small dent. I tried to rub this out but made it a lot worse, I deliberately smashed the watch and the next day ordered the exact same watch, at a cost of £120.
I realise how stupid this is and what an unnecessary waste of money it all is. It’s not sustainable and I’ve sort of set myself a standard now where everything I own has to be in new condition, otherwise I just bin it and replace it with an identical brand new item. I’ve always taken care of my possessions but I don’t know how it’s gone to this extreme, it’s just ridiculous, but I cannot stop. The level of stress and despair I feel when I notice a blemish on something I own feels akin to a much more “conventionally” traumatic event and it’s a horrible sensation.