I can relate to this quite a lot - how a knockback can feel like a real validation of the irrational thoughts and feelings you have about yourself. I’m sure you know that in reality, this is all part of the illness and condition and low self-esteem, projecting those feelings onto other people when nothing of the sort would have crossed their mind.
But, even that realisation that is at the back of your mind doesn’t lessen the impact of those feelings and how real they feel to you. I know that only too well. I’ve been there and I still often find myself there. It’s a devil of a place to be in and it’s a devil of a place to climb out of.
Fwiw, and this isn’t just me trying to make you feel better (in so much as I am trying to make you feel better but the following sentiments are entirely genuine), there are four people I have the opportunity to spend time with on a semi-regular basis and where I actually find myself looking forward to being with them - you are one of those four that make me feel completely at ease and able to be myself with no need for a forced joyful facade, or to put up the defenses.
You know where I am, even though I have the kids tonight, if you need a chat or anything.
Take care, mate.