How's your depression?


#1847

Felt like I needed to give a wee update after a couple of months of utter hell and several years of feeling off.

After 5 weeks on 100mg Sertraline I finally FINALLY finally feel like I did way toward the end of the last decade. I feel energetic, happy, empathetic and most importantly all the years of cynicism appear to have dimmed and faded. I’m no longer a judgemental prick and am able to engage and start conversations.

It’s SUCH a relief because honestly, with the odd exception, the last 7 years have been such an incredible ball ache for me that I thought it’d never end. It was like being held hostage by the version of me I didn’t like. The tired, judgemental prick that’d be unsociable and rely too much on self-deprecating humor to talk to anyone, still early days but I’m hopeful that this happy, perky, confident and motivated me is here to stay.


#1848

:smiley:

Great news YIAMD :slight_smile:


#1849

Bleugh.

Not really a huge knock back, but it’s hit me quite hard that one of my best friends from uni cancelled meeting up after work today. Absolutely not her fault as she’s sick and she wants to reschedule for when she’s better, but it totally feeds into my irrational anxiety that even my best friends don’t actually like me very much and spending time with me is more of a chore than a pleasure for them. Also finding it difficult because I woke up this morning with a nagging suspicion this would happen and spent most of the morning dismissing it as the irrational part of me running away with itself, so now it just feels like confirmation.

(BTW, on the very, very unlikely chance that said friend knows I’m on here and sees this, I know it’s not your fault - don’t feel bad about what’s going on with me. x)


#1850

I can relate to this quite a lot - how a knockback can feel like a real validation of the irrational thoughts and feelings you have about yourself. I’m sure you know that in reality, this is all part of the illness and condition and low self-esteem, projecting those feelings onto other people when nothing of the sort would have crossed their mind.

But, even that realisation that is at the back of your mind doesn’t lessen the impact of those feelings and how real they feel to you. I know that only too well. I’ve been there and I still often find myself there. It’s a devil of a place to be in and it’s a devil of a place to climb out of.

Fwiw, and this isn’t just me trying to make you feel better (in so much as I am trying to make you feel better but the following sentiments are entirely genuine), there are four people I have the opportunity to spend time with on a semi-regular basis and where I actually find myself looking forward to being with them - you are one of those four that make me feel completely at ease and able to be myself with no need for a forced joyful facade, or to put up the defenses.

You know where I am, even though I have the kids tonight, if you need a chat or anything.

Take care, mate.


#1851

Cheers bro. :heart:


#1852

It’s good that you see it as irrational (I’m sure they think you’re great) but I totally get where you’re coming from, if you feel doubts and then it happens it can feel rubbish. Hopefully it’ll pass soon and you’ll feel better about it all!


#1853

can’t stop crying today, just getting everything wrong. Supposed to have a job interview later but I think i’m going to have to cancel


#1854

I don’t know what to say Severed mate, other than… :hugs:

If you really can’t face the interview, then do what’s best for your mental health and look after yourself.


#1855

Yeah - was talking to my therapist about this yesterday - it’s like I usually seem well balanced, rational and think about things logically, but these irrational things just come in from nowhere and can really knock my self confidence, even though I know there’s no basis behind them.

Cheers JB x


#1856

at this rate, I’m not sure if I’ll ever work again? Or learn a new language? or keep doing freelance work and getting paid buttons for it? Or complete my masters? Or ever be a “successful musician”? Or ever stop ignoring my problems, usually with drinking and then feeling terrible the next day about it?

I’m not even sure what to say to them. It makes me so unreliable.


#1857

My best friend has a chronic pain illness and cancels on me sometimes. I usually just think “ahh well at least I can have a chilled night in/go gym” cause down-time/me-time during the week for me is quite precious.

But you know you’ve got a real friend who wants to spend time with you when they always reschedule.


#1858

feeling super embarrassed by someone you respect is a bit of a kick in the nads too.


#1859

I also wonder if I will ever work again (not as a freelancer)

HUGS


#1860

Mental health was pretty good for the first time in ages yesterday. There wasn’t really anything on my plate. I’d just got past a couple of stressful deadlines, house move over with and money troubles beginning to ease…

Boiler is leaking today. Also got offered an interview to go back to uni to do medicine - which is good news, obviously. It’s nice to have that validation that my application is strong enough to be considered at a place like Cambridge. But now I have to prepare for that interview which is in just over a week.

It just doesn’t seem to let up…


#1862

Can’t cope. Can’t face anything. Or anyone. Have said one word so far today to another should and that is one word too many.

Full of anguish and anxiety and self-hate. Want to rip my head off and drop kick it as far as I possibly can, leave it for ferile dogs to tear to pieces.


#1863

*soul, not should.

Fucking technology. Fucking predictive text. Just fuck the fuck off.


#1864

Sorry to hear you’re feeling that way, it’s absolutely shit and even though it doesn’t feel like it, it will pass. Times I’ve felt like that and talking to anyone I know felt like the worst idea in the world, I called Samaritans (116 123) which is so helpful, ranting to a stranger who actually will listen and you can say as much or as little and hopefully ease the burden. Hope you feel better soon and if talking on here helps then pm me anytime


#1865

Congratulations :hugs:

Obviously interviews are stressful situations, but don’t minimise how brilliant it is to even get to that stage. One thing that gets me is how we all see interviews as this massive make or break situation…whereas really you’ll be even better suited to tackling them in the future, regardless of whether you get offered a place or not.

Good Luck!


#1866

Yeah, obviously it’s great news! I knew the dates, so I’d been preparing for the possibility and tend to take the same attitude towards interviews these days…

Just would have been nice to have a few days without having to take anything seriously! :slight_smile:


#1867

Struggling big time today and have no idea where to go. This is actually far worse than last time. Was a total zombie at work having not slept at all due to crippling anxiety last night about how everything in my life has come to a head very suddenly, but there was literally nothing for me to do today anyway, which just contributes further to feelings of complete futility. I’m not sure how to deal with things, I’m viewing things through a very dark lens today and feel very bleak about the potential ramifications of the life choices that have ended up coming to the fore in recent weeks, which impacts upon the future of both my partner and I and I’ve pushed myself to a proper meltdown. I’ve had a really bad panic attack and can barely type due to pins and needles in my hands but I have to get it down no paper. My partner isn’t home for another couple of hours and I literally can’t face seeing anyone or doing anything else.