How's your depression?


#1948

Ok so I got a job that isn’t the dream but I get to talk about bacteria and it’s close to my house and pays ok. I literally feel like a fraud though and like I’ll get fired any second. I know I passed loads of interviews (4.5 hours worth ffs I was a wreck by the end) and am qualified and that but i just feel like an imposter when they’re consulting me about my opinion and asking me questions. Literally had this conversation:
Person: what does _____ mean
Me, suspiciously, wondering if I’m being tested: what does it mean??
Person: yes because I don’t know

Like I couldn’t believe someone was asking my opinion. I know objectively that I am an intelligent person worth consulting but the irrational and overpowering part is screaming I’M A FRAUD WHY HAVEN’T YOU FIRED ME YET IM A TERRIBLE WORKER. I mean I am a terrible worker, I’m on my phone right now instead of working and played about an hour of minesweeper and it’s my first week. It’s like I want them to warn me and tell me I’m shit so that thought is validated. Which is so fucked up. Worse yet, I can see it happening and know full well if I keep this up they will eventually sack me after a warning or two and that I’m taking the piss and don’t need to because I can just get on with the job and stop being a twat, and I can be good at it because I am good enough. But still, here I am. Hate my brain


#1949

nah you’re smart and capable and can get through this! Most people have uncomfortable situations at work and nobody knows everything so it’s totally fine to just be yourself, you are definitely more than good enough for the job! :slight_smile:


#1950

Could you have been spiked? Or had some kind of toxin, like shellfish poisoning? Hope you feel better now.


#1951

I don’t think so no. Definitely not a spiking. And I don’t eat shellfish either. I think I was on a massive high which sort of spiralled out of control.


#1952

Thanks bam, I’m just an anxious moron and will probably sort it out.was was being a sycophantic creep all afternoon trying to make up for it and they’re probably completely oblivious to all this lol


#1953

Shit cakes, man, I hear what you are saying JB. It is so easy to say ‘trust yourself, you’re there on merit’ - which you absolutely are - and yet you feeling worthwhile in the role, it’s like an unbridgable gap in your head.

This is just me talking from personal experience, but even three years into my job I often feel totally out of my depth knowledge wise and just have to somehow find the bluff and bluster to effectively bullshit my way to a point of acceptance. And… I do know more than I give myself credit for when I look at it dispassionately - yet therein lies the beauty of the beast (some fucking beauty!), finding a rational frame of mind is darned hard to do.

I hope things settle next week, you absolutely can do it… Good luck x


#1954

Hi JB, can effectively empathise with that feeling (as I imagine a few more people on here could) of being seconds away from being outed as a fraud. I think there’s something to that Socrates quote “The only true wisdom is knowing you know nothing” (haha, I’m such a dork). Though what I mean is…if you’ve got reasonable knowledge of a subject and a healthy amount of self-awareness, it becomes natural to recognise your own limitations…and you start doubting your abilities. I don’t think it’s necessarily bad to be aware of limitations…but maybe not to the point where you think you’re incapable of the job (because I’m certain you’ll be very capable).


#1955

My therapist phoned me yesterday and said how he was very concerned about me after my session last week (because of how I had answered some of those tick box things he had to do risk assessments, etc), and said that he wasn’t sure therapy was really working for me. He then told me that as a result of this he was deciding to discharge me. The reasoning he backed it up with was that I was still under the mh first response team, but I am not - they discharged me because beyond suggesting a change in my meds and that I start therapy there was nothing they could do for me. So now I am just left feeling cut off because I have been passed around and no part of the mh services can be bothered with me (other than the aspergers service, but they are understaffed and also I can’t attend some of the groups they run because of childcare issues). Meds aren’t helping and I am on my fouth antidepressant, with an additional anti-anxiety drug - but that seems all I can be offered. Anything I try do to “help myself” just leaves me feeling more depleted. Feel like I need to self harm with alarming frequency, but I know I can’t do that so instead I channel that impulse into over eating. Also having a ridiculous amount of panic attacks. Just have no clue what to do.


#1956

Had a terrible weekend. I’m in the midst of a costochondritis flare up which is causing me so much discomfort, pain and means I can’t exercise.

Working out that I definitely use over exercising as a way to control my anxiety and depression so when I’m not able to do it, I have several meltdowns over very minor things. I’ve been very emotional all weekend and very up and down. I feel sorry for my bf but he’s been very kind and supportive but I can’t help to feel quite dreadful and struggling to see past not feeling like this (psychically and mentally)

No real answer or reply needed to this but just wanted to vent to people who would understand x


#1957

Oddly enough Meo, this is what I self diagnosed myself with at about 5am this morning - getting myself checked to make sure it’s not anything more serious. If it’s anything like I feel, you have my sincere sympathies. :hugs:

Hope the pain subsides soon so you can get back to doing what works for you.


#1958

What have you got going on?

Definitely good to get it checked out. Do you have private healthcare?


#1959

Just gone to A&E to cover off worst case scenarios, innit. Clear on EKG, but they’re doing bloods and chest x-ray to cover all bases off.

Got this dull pain around the left side of my breastbone, which turns into a sharp pain whenever I cough, bend,twist or otherwise aggravate it. I’m assuming muscle or cartilage damage from a coughing fit, but given where it is wanted to be safe rather than sorry.

Oh, and work took me off the private healthcare without me knowing at some point in the last couple of years… Annoying, because it means I’ll never be covered for mental health, even on the policy that disregards existing conditions. Can’t get back on till sometime next year.


#1960

Oh good. I’m glad EKG is clear. I’m sure it’s probably an inflammation somewhere. Have you had a nasty cough or something recently? It can be triggered by coughing a lot!

Do the bits in between your ribs feel tender to touch?

Don’t let them send you away with just ibuprofen. I have been taking naproxen this time and it’s much better but i’m booked in to go back to the rheumatologist on Thursday so praying for some steroid injections again as they helped loads.

It’s horrible when it’s something like that as it really affects my breathing with leads me to hyperventilate a lot and i feel very on edge/panicked at the moment because of it. You have my sympathies!!


#1961

Hey FL - this sounds like the worst possible thing that could happen. At the time you need to most possible support you have been cut adrift.

I don’t know what the answer is - does your MH team allow self-referral? I realise this is perhaps the last thing you want to do given how you’ve been left in limbo right now but if its an option I think it might be worth doing and trying to explain how you’re feeling.

As always, I and others are here for you if letting of steam in the thread or by PM helps. But again, I realise you need more than this realistically.

Take good care of yourself x


#1962

Yeah - had a cough for the last month. Nothing showing up on any of the tests, so I’ve been sent home with… ibuprofen and paracetamol.

I’m actually okay with that though - I think it’s most likely that I’ve just done a muscle in my rib cage. Had a rotten night, but it’s a little better now, so likely that I’ve not done anything more serious like cartilage.


#1963

Oh good, I’m pleased to hear it.

Put some frozen peas on it!


#1964

Saw this morning that someone I used to see out a lot (more an acquaintance than friend but was very close to some friends of mine) died in his sleep on Saturday morning. No warning. Only in his late 30s. So scary that this can happen and it’s hit me quite a bit.


#1965

Really sorry to hear about this, roasty. Such awful news to happen to anyone, never mind someone so young.

Never mind it puting things in perspective, it’s profoundly scary when stuff like this happens - remember about 6/7 years ago when my older cousin twisted his ankle playing squash. He went to A & E to get it checked and suddenly passed away from an undetected blood clot within an hour of going in. He was 32.


#1966

Meant to say as well - hope you’re doing okay yourself.


#1967

Thank you, so sorry to hear about your cousin too. Life is so much more fragile than we realise and it’s a shame it takes these instances to realise it innit?