How's your love life DiS?


#1610

She really wants to get somewhere in Islington/Camden, we’re in Islington at the minute and my point is that we’re paying considerably more money to live there and there has been no tangible improvement in either of our lives as a result of it so why would we look to invest in somewhere as insanely expensive as it with no reason for it. My office is also moving in April so it won’t be convenient for me to be in Islington at all and she’ll be changing jobs but can literally go wherever she wants.

I keep saying she needs to nail the job first and then we’ll decide on where to look at properties based on that but she’s not even sure she wants to stay in teaching given how bad this current school is and is talking about doing her PHD or something else. Trying to frame these discussions as “you need to find what makes you happy/satisfied in your work and the rest will fall into place” is interpreted as me being reluctant to commit to buying property and spirals into me not being ambitious enough because I love my job and have no desire to change it etc.

Like I said, I think it can all be boiled down to having a very stressful and shitty time of it day-to-day at her work but that doesn’t make it any easier.


#1611

Yeah, this sort of thing colours everything else, doesn’t it?


#1612

It really, really does and it’s exhausting.


#1613

aw man that happened to me not long ago. got an email out of the blue from someone i thought i had got over. heart was racing as i opened it. fucking spam thing had hacked her account and sent out a bunch of emails :upside_down_face:


#1614

I think possibly you’re at the point where being a little more bold about prioritising the right things first, as opposed to framing it in as inoffensive a way as poss, might be prudent?


#1615

Yeah, you’re right. This is where it becomes a failing in my assertiveness more than anything else though innit.


#1616

it’s not a failing dude, it’s a tricky readjustment to a partner flailing in their own decisiveness and something you’re having to adapt to quite rapidly. No one could blame you for trying to make as gentle an objection as possible, so as not to catch someone already a bit unsure off guard. Figuring out how to be more direct isn’t easy at all.


#1617

Ain’t that the truth


#1618

That’s about the most negative way you could frame something as positive as enjoying your job. That must be pretty difficult to respond to in any meaningful way.


#1619

Yeah, it annoys me quite a bit in fairness. It stems from her having an ultra successful Dad and wider family in general and a whole upbringing of being told never to settle and to do whatever you do to the best of your ability etc which isn’t inherently a bad thing at all obviously but does (in my opinion) cause problems with enjoying what you currently have.

To me it’s not even a discussion, on Tuesday night I was genuinely looking forward to getting back to work and she was thoroughly depressed about it, no amount of additional income/responsibility/prestige or whatever would make me swap those feelings around.


#1620

Good for you. It’s a rare thing to love your job and you should take all the pleasure you can from that while it lasts.


#1621

Doing both things at the same time just will not work. Fair enough if you’ve nailed down an area you want to live in but they are very expensive areas and you’re pretty lucky if you’re going to be able to buy a house around there let alone a shared ownership (don’t shared ownership prioritize those in need and those with a certain low income?) so she’s going to have to have some element of compromise, right?

That doesn’t sound like the best discussions ever and yeah you probably need to be somewhat firmer (I could see myself being overly powerful with these kinds of decisions if I didn’t have an overly powerful partner to match so I don’t really get away with a lot of shit).

Can you line up some properties in different areas for her to see?
Where do YOU want to live?


#1622

Exactly. I know I can make more money doing something else but at what cost? Not up for it frankly and if that makes me unambitious so be it. To me, any human being’s ambition should ultimately be about enjoying their life.


#1623

The shared ownership priorities thing is very much part of it, we’d get priority in Islington by virtue of already living there and me working there (for now) and she’s considered a key worker so gets priority as a result of that.

The difficulty is that a perfectly valid criticism of my stance is that I’m not providing an alternative as largely I don’t care that much, as long as it’s affordable, has amenities, decent enough transport links and both of us can get to work ok my view is that everywhere in London is basically the same so why pay a premium for a specific area. I should probably start providing alternatives for sure though, frankly I can’t really stomach the fucking process again this soon after doing it last year though.


#1624

Well I can definitely see why that would be annoying and cause some friction. That would wind me up tbf as location and nice areas/coffee shops/resturants/pubs etc are pretty high up on my priorities for where I live. I don’t see all of London being the same and there are definitely areas I wouldn’t live in.

It does seem very soon to be looking to move again for sure! But she obviously needs some kind of change pretty sharpish so as long as you get one thing giving some kind of promise, it would be a good thing, no?


#1625

Yeah, I get that for sure but it’s not like she’s telling me “I need x, y and z wherever we end up” it’s always just some wishy-washy “it’s much nicer” line when I ask why she’s so keen on those areas without anything specific to say why which I can’t get my head around really.

Ultimately I think I need to ride it out until she gets her job situation sorted and then see where we go from there innit. Ideal world she finds her perfect job somewhere in an area near my new office and we get a share to buy there but that is very wishful thinking I think :smiley:


#1626

Move to Camden man, buy a spiky gasmask


#1627

Where’s your office moving to?

Yeah I think you’re gonna have to ride it out. If you know its just something she does every so often, you may just have to entertain it for a bit and it’ll pass.

(also lol she sounds like me BUT ITS JUST NICER)


#1628

Stratford. Not for one minute saying we should live in Stratford (despite a shitload of share-to-buy new builds going up there) but I think somewhere in Hackney would be a reasonable compromise. Again, all depends on where she ends up working though, that is a million times more important to me than where we live.


#1629

There are some good schools around the Olympic Park, Hackney and Leytonstone, all within easy reach of that area.

There’s a risk that things end up in a ‘grass is always greener’ cycle, but it sounds like the job should be the first thing that gets addressed if she’s not satisfied.