If your local eatery/coffee place/pub were to review you as a customer


how many stars out of 5 do you think you’d get and what do you think your pros and cons would be?

Xylo, review by Nero

Always cheery
Remembers peoples’ names
Predictable order for maximum ease

Always cheery
Asks for iced coffee in winter
Says ciao because the servers are Italian and thinks that’s a good thing to do.



Big Tone, review by Bo’s Local:

We’re not entirely sure who we’re being asked to review here, sorry


Mate, i’ve done ten edits of one post before. True story.


:’( heartbreaking. they know you! i bet they do!


someone did a thread to see how many you could cram into a post before it locked and it was insane. something like 40


I keep it strictly self-service so I wouldn’t have thought so.

There’s an outside chance I might get an “Always takes his basket back to the big pile by the door instead of leaving it on the machine for us to sort out - 10/10”


Smee, review by Co-op Great Western Road


  • Has a cute toddler who used to always offer checkout staff a little go on his dummy and didn’t get offended when they politely declined
  • Is generally polite
  • Doesn’t commit any crimes


  • That pram is too big for these aisles mate
  • …especially when you’re sprawled on the floor exploring the back of the reduced fridge every fucking monday at 11:50am on the dot.
  • Doesn’t talk to staff apart from basic functional pleasantries (could be a pro tbh)


this is exactly what i was looking for (take note @Antpocalypsenow)



  • Doesn’t stand at the bar after getting his drink.
  • Isn’t overfamiliar.
  • Doesn’t ask for pints to be ‘topped up’ because it’s a Tory thing to do.


  • Never has cash reddies.
  • Asks for the music to be turned down.
  • Likes places to open on time.


the ‘topping up’ thing used to grind my gears working behind bars. if it’s really low i’ll notice and fill it automatically. if it’s just a bit below, don’t be a bastard!


They’d complain that I’m hardly ever in


you owe them thousands in no show deposits


I’m pretty much the most apologetic man in history, polite to a fault but will engage you in well meaning conversation and try and make you laugh which you might not be into.

2.5 stars.


8.6 BNC


would hate any customer to know my name if I worked in a place like this.







and ho!


dunno, I guess I wouldn’t be there to make friends. I’d just want to serve the coffee and them to go away


probably working around coffee people and all the smooth jazz would change me as a person though and I would relish it.