I'm doing a stand up comedy set tomorrow - need help


Only 5 minutes long so got to keep it short and snappy. Before a gig at Roadtrip and the Workshop at Old Street, London. Feel free to suggest ideas as I haven’t done this kind of thing much before!


Link them to this thread?


Talk about the declining quality of quality street and say something like ‘tin of quality street? more like tin of shattered nostalgia and broken Britain’ and then walk off to God Save the queen whilst waving miniature flag.


For if I ever hype myself up to do a stand up set like I’ve said I will for the last decade or so, I have a bit about how I would try to lower the murder rates by legalising, and offering monetary rewards, for attempted murder. Hence giving prospective murderers a financial incentive to do it wrong.


What you got so far?


Just my trademark theme of pissing off hipsters


My serious answer to this is not to mention social media at all.

I saw loads of free shows at Edinburgh last year whose routines were about Facebook likes or hilarious Vine clips they’d made and none of them were funny.


Oh god please say it’s not just all “what are these cereal cafes…”


something along the lines of this


Rip off some comedy from the 70s that nobody remembers


I thought of a joke the other day which you can use:

Q: Why are ponds always full of sperm?
A: Because all the fish have a go on the frogspawn (frog’s porn)

not sure if there’s some nonce issues or not with this, best to figure out if that’ll offend your audience


Talk about the amount of packaging you have to deal with when buying a men’s shirt. There’s a solid three minutes in that.


Every time there’s silence after you say something hilarious affect a German accent and say “That’s the joke”